Behind the Title

When I tell people that I have little to no experience dating even when I was a young padawan they are shocked.  No boyfriends in high school or college?  I answer with a resounding ‘NOPE’.  I was the token funny fat friend.  You know the one people wanna have around to laugh with or at? I was that ice breaker when a potential hook-up was unfolding before my eyes between two mutual friends.  I had to be happy for everyone else but what about me?  I probably seriously loved 3 dudes my whole life.  Two of the three didn’t pan out but it was more one sided and secret on my part.  Nothing like pining away for somebody you know you can’t have but are good friends with.  Fuck.  Brutal.

I ended up marrying the third guy.  I kind of changed my approach and made it known not only to his friends but also to him that I was totally into him.  I was a total pussy when it came to being assertive with the opposite sex prior to that. This guy, this guy for some reason was a game changer for me.  We were friends first so there was none of this awkward first date jitters.  Our relationship just organically progressed with some strategic nudging on my part.  He was the very first dude I slept with and consequently the ONLY one as well.  I kissed one other person before him and it was one of his best friends against the back wall of a club totally shitfaced.  I also only went down on one other dude aside from my now ex-husband.  All this went down when I was in my early 20’s.  I got married when I was 23 and that was it.  I was locked down.  I had a very good marriage for the first 10 years.  We had two beautiful children and another one on the way.  We were at a decent status quo then I got cancer.

I’ll give you the Coles Notes version because I want to keep things light and every time I have to retell what I went through I small piece of me gets really sad.  I was diagnosed with Melanoma.  I had just given birth to my youngest son.  It stemmed from a small, what I thought was a Planter’s Wart, little bump on the bottom of my right big toe.  By the time I saw the orthopaedic oncologist my condition was Stage IV and they had no choice but to amputate just above the knee.  Going through what I went through completely changed me.  My ex would say I turned into a bitch.  Well, that’s HIS interpretation.  No one, and I mean no one will ever be able to relate to what I went through and what I’m STILL going through unless you become a physically disabled person as an adult.  To make a long story short my marriage struggled since my diagnosis and amputation.  I finally called the time of death on the marriage and made the appropriate arrangements.  I’ve been officially separated for over a year and a half now. 

So…what brings me to the suffering of online dating?  My voracious appetite of smutty books led me to this depravity.  Reading about romance and sex made me crave it ten-fold.  I need sex or at least some kissing and heavy petting.  I haven’t gotten laid in 2 years so I’m basically shrivelling up and dying.  Well my vagina is.  One can only kegel for so long and it’s just not fun anymore.  I’m also tired of being alone.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my time by myself but it’s nice to have someone to be alone with.  Does that make sense?  What I really want is to sow my wild oats.  Never really got to do that when I was younger and able bodied.   Now that I’m old and crippled this will be quite the challenge.  I’m a bit afraid because my experience with men is practically nothing.  I’m basically Anastasia Steele but the chubby disabled version with a hellava lot dirtier mind and mouth.  I want to be more then ‘sorta been kissed’ after all.  I don’t think there is anything wrong with that.