Mr. Tuesday

Mr. Tuesday’s morning text prompted me to pretty much tell every single girlfriend I know that this bitch was preparing for battle so soon after I lost the first war.

Since Leilani and Piper pretty much orchestrated this twist of fate, I let them know first that I was meeting him today.  I then contacted my friend Jenn who is basically my neighbourhood fellow ethnic, like me.  I let her know that I scored a date and she more then happily offered to chauffeur me to my meeting place.   I then continued down the line of girlfriends to fill them in on the latest developments with me. 

I was grateful that Sash was coming over for a quick visit.  Nothing like getting hands on advice and a pep talk from one of my online dating gurus.  I was starting to get just a little bit nervous but her presence helped to calm my nerves. 

Carrie the style maven was away at the cottage so I had to text her for advice as to what I should wear for my coffee date.  I remember Sash telling me she always wears the same outfit for the first date so I was going to do the same but Carrie said it was way too fancy for coffee.  I opted for an A-line skirt with a large floral print in tan that was just above the knee, a white fitted deep scoop neck t-shirt and a bright pink three-quarter length sleeve cardigan with matching coloured peep toe flats.  I sent Carrie a pic of my outfit and she gave me virtual thumbs up.  I left my hair down and tousled it to give it a little volume.  I did a dramatic smokey eye and just sheer gloss on my lips.

Jenn and her husband Big Al came to pick me up about an hour before my date as they had children to drop off to assorted events.  They are SERIOUS multi-taskers so they had being efficient down to a science.  I hadn’t seen both of them in a while so while we were driving to drop one child off to soccer I had to rehash my crappy date to them and fill them in on my plans for this evening as we headed to my final destination.  The two of them were grinning like idiots for me.

As we were pulling up to the Starbucks I saw him walking down the street.  I immediately told Big Al to swing around the back of the building.  I suddenly felt extremely self-conscious.  I despised the thought of my date seeing me hobble around in my crutches.  I wanted to get inside as soon as possible so that didn’t happen.  I hopped out quick as I could, Big Al wished me luck and Jenn and her daughter were just a shadow behind me.  They wanted to see what Mr. Tuesday looked liked first hand.

As fast as I my one leg could take me, I went inside the Starbucks, found a table for two and sat and waited for him.  I figure I had less then five minutes before he came strolling in.  Jenn and her daughter totally scoped him out as they walked past him and through the windowpane they gave me open-mouthed grins and the big thumbs up.  I wanted to belly laugh out loud.

Mr. Tuesday saw me right away and smiled.  I smiled in return as he walked towards me.  I was suddenly nervous.  Not as nervous as the first time but nervous enough that I could feel my heart beating a little faster then usual.  He was wearing an indigo coloured linen jacket, black dress shirt, dark wash jeans and a pair of Chuck T’s.  I extended my hand to shake his. 

“Hi.  Really nice to meet you.  You look really nice.” I say to him as he firmly takes my hand in his to shake in return.

“Why thank you.  Wow.  You’re really pretty.  You look great by they way.” he replies. 

Okay, I’m right in the heart of blush city.  He then asks what I would like to drink before leaving me momentarily to grab our drinks.

I glance his way every now and then while he waits in line.  I’m too nervous to make direct eye contact.  He’s cute.  Tall.  Facial scruff.  I like.  He looks like his photos.  Good.  He’s paying for our beverages.  Even better.  He comes back with our drinks and sits down.  OMG!  He smells amazing!  So amazing that I in fact blurt out, “You smell REALLY good.”  He chuckles.

“So…” he sips his coffee and stares at me. 

Oh no, please don’t tell me I’ll have to carry the conversation yet again. ‘So’ is such a pussy word.  Shit.  Shit.  Shit.  This is not how I wanted it to go. 

“Good day so far?” he asks. 

“Yup.  Had a pedicure this morning and met up with a friend and did the ice bucket challenge.  Pissed that I got nominated but I did it and my friend donated on my behalf as well.  Have you done it?”  I was madly chewing my bottom lip and giggled.  Mr. Tuesday was more subdued so it was hard to gage how the evening would progress but it was also very early in the date. 

“I did get nominated but I didn’t want to get wet.  I donated instead.”  He paused and took another sip of his coffee and looked at me.  “God.   You have gorgeous hair.”  I giggled again as I sipped my drink. 

“You laugh a lot.”  He pointed out. 

“Nervous habit.” I look down as I reply back and take a huge gulp of my cool lime refresher.

“You’re nervous?  Don’t be.” And Mr. Tuesday then squeezes my hand and lightly pats it.  Tingly.  This dude just made me tingle when he touched me.  

He launched into one of his cheesy jokes and it totally broke the ice.  The conversation started flowing more freely as if we were on the phone again.  We talked about bad date experiences and touched on our kids.  He then asked if I had eaten.  I said no. “Do you wanna have some wine and snacks?  There’s a place just across the street we could go to.”  I nod in agreement and I swear I think my bottom lip is bleeding from the constant chewing I’ve done to it.

Dread.  Sheer dread then washes over me because now, my worst fear is coming to fruition.  Mr. Tuesday is gonna see me hobble on my crutches.  Fuck.  I plaster the fakest smile I have on my face but inside I’m dying.  I don’t want to leave the confines of my chair but I really want to continue my evening with this guy.

I reluctantly follow him out.  He walks ahead of me, until we get to the door and he opens it so I could go first.  Gentlemanly gesture for sure but now my ‘handicapness’ is in full view for him and everyone one else to observe.  I fucking hate myself in that very moment.

“You must have pretty good upper body strength.” He says to me.  

I smile and giggle.  

“Hey, still nervous?  Don't be okay?” He noted my nervous cue. 

“You’re curvy and gorgeous.  I think you're amazing.” 

I don’t believe him.  

He pities me.  

I’m sure of it.

“HA!” I snort.  We cross the street and head towards the restaurant.

“What?  I’m being serious!” He says. “Own it.  You’re gorgeous.”  I smile, thank him and mention that he smells really damn good…again.

The restaurant was a quaint local joint with five star food.  We share a bottle of wine and assorted tapas.  The wine definitely loosened me up because I was more chirpy, flirty and relaxed.  My hand would also settle on his knee every now and then as did his on mine.  We talked more about dating and he mentioned that he was actually going on a date Friday afternoon.  “Good for you.” I said sincerely. 

Hey.  I knew EXACTLY what I was getting myself into so it wasn’t a big deal.  He mentioned that he felt comfortable enough to tell me and wanted to let me know that if “we” didn’t work out that he still wanted to be friends.  He told me he liked me because I seemed different, ‘cool’.  I grinned happily.   Mr. Tuesday placed his hand on my bare knee and rubbed circles with his index finger.  Yeah.  I was ready to eat butterflies now.

The night was still young when we were done at the wine bar.   Like a true gentleman he paid for dinner.  That gesture alone made him almost perfect.  I was a tad tipsy from the wine and maybe just a little more touchy feely then I normally am.  He suggested that we walk back to his place.  Warning sirens were going off in my head.  I gulped down a big glass of water to try and clear my addled alcohol induced brain.  “Do you promise to behave yourself?”  I smiled at him impishly.  Mr. Tuesday then leaned in, gently squeezed my thigh and whispered in my ear, “Have I not been a perfect gentleman all night?”

HOLY FUCK!  This bastard was bloody S-M-O-O-T-H.  I think we all know what my answer was going to be.

“Okay.  Let’s go back to your place BUT just so you know ALL my friends know exactly where I am and what I’m doing tonight.”  I hop off the bar stool and thanks to the libations I consumed I could give two fucks about him seeing me hobble.

“That’s perfectly fine.  Thank you again for coming out to meet me.”  Mr. Tuesday then chastely kisses me on the cheek and I follow him out. 

He told me lives close enough that he walked over but wanted to get a cab so I didn’t have to walk.  I explained to him that I’d be fine.  It was beautiful night out and I was up for it.  He admitted that he really enjoyed my company and reiterated regardless if I had two legs, six legs, he didn’t care.  He said I was pretty damn cute.  I reciprocated the compliment back but said he was handsome instead.

It was a fifteen-minute walk to his building.  We talked about our siblings and what we were like in high school and our banter seemed familiar.  I didn’t feel at all uncomfortable or threatened around him.  I followed him into the lobby and we waited in silence for the elevator.  I was feeling just a little flush and by default I started gnawing my slightly raw and now very pink bottom lip.

The elevator door opened.  His chivalrous self let me in first and I scooted all the way to the far corner.  He entered.  Pressed the button to his floor and the elevator door began to close.  Mr. Tuesday turned to face me and took two big strides in my direction. His eyes were hooded and fixed on my mouth. 

OMG!  OMG!  O-M-FUCKING-G!!!!  

He gently leaned his body towards me, tilted his head and touched his lips to mine.  I felt the tip of his tongue swipe the seam of my mouth open.  I granted him access and sighed into him as he deepened the kiss.  My belly instantly tightened and my heart was beating like a hummingbird’s wings.

The elevator came to a stop on his floor.  He pulled away and stared at me.  I swear I could have been the Joker in the latest Batman reboot because the smirk on my face was GIGANTIC! 

I believe I just had a Fifty Shades of Grey, ‘FUCK THE PAPERWORK’ elevator moment and HOLY SHIT!  Mr. Tuesday was a CRAZY GOOD kisser!  He chuckled and quickly pecked my lips before placing his hand on the small of my back and guided me down the hallway towards his apartment. 

Mr. Tuesday kissed my forehead, smirked devilishly at me as he unlocked his door. He stepped inside and I willingly followed his lead…

Chirp Session

Not sure what possessed me to be so bold and just immediately call without any hesitation or pretense.  Maybe it was all the foolish adrenaline I was feeding off of post visit with Leilani and Piper.

Ring.  Ring.

Him:

Hello?

He has a nice voice.  A perfect baritone.  Eeek…butterflies!

Me:

Hi.  How are you?

He giggles.

Him:

Wow.  Wasn’t expecting you to call so soon.

Oh shit.

Me:

You gave me your number.

Him:

Hahaha…It’s fine.  I just thought you would give me a text first.

Oops. 

Me:

Oh.  Well kinda late for that now isn’t it?

So began our telephone date.  He was a well-educated professional with a successful career.  I think he was a little tipsy when we were talking and thusly just a little manic BUT that didn’t bother me.  He was funny as hell.  We had a really good playful banter going.  He asked me about my current love life.  I told him I’m not looking for anything serious.  I just want to date and have some fun.  He asked what my marital situation was.  I said separated.

He told me that he doesn’t date women who are separated but that, “There’s something about you that makes me want to know more.” We talked and laughed and then a little over an hour later he said he had to go.  He suggested that we should meet one day.  I told him to let me know and then we called our phone date a night.  I immediately called Leilani and gave her the 411.  We spoke for about 15 minutes when I noticed that he was trying to call me on the other line.  I politely told Leilani to fuck off so I could take the call.  She laughed and wished me luck. 

When I answered, it was quarter to midnight.  He told me that it didn’t feel right that we stopped talking so soon.  HOLY FUCK!  Blush city!!!  We discussed my amputation and he told me that he didn’t care about it.  That I was still “beautiful” in my photos. Swoon.  He then got a little serious and said what he was about to tell me may change my opinion about him and that I may not want to continue but he wanted to be clear and truthful with me. 

He proceeded to tell me that he was a ‘man-whore’.  That was it?  The revelation wasn’t shocking BUT it was in the realm of what was acceptable to me.  Who am I to judge?  To be honest, I was a little jealous.  I wish I was experienced.  Seems a shame that I so badly want to sow my wild oats now when everything is sagging and that I have an appendage missing.

Not once during our phone conversation was there any talk of anything overtly sexual.  We just laughed at his bad jokes and talked about our mutual interests in art and culture.  We spoke until 1:15am!  I was the one who had to go this time.  I wanted to take a shower before bed.  Again before we let each other go he suggested that we meet.  I again told him to let me know when works best for him and to call or text me.

 When I got out of the shower, I noticed there was a text message on my phone.  IT WAS FROM HIM!!!  He still wanted to talk with me!!!  I let him call me back and we finally pinned down a date and time to meet.  We would meet later today—since it was technically already early Tuesday.  He offered to call in and spend the day with me should I desire but I would have to meet up at 10:30am…AT HIS PLACE! 

Yeah right!!  After the fiasco that was with Rico Suave there was no fucking way I was putting myself in a situation where I didn’t have much control.  I told him his gesture was very charming but I already had daytime plans.  I suggested that we meet for coffee.  I’m NEVER doing dinner again after what happened on Saturday.  He agreed and we planned to meet at the Starbucks in his neighbourhood.  By the time we settled all the details it was 2:17am!!  I purred out my goodnight to him and he in turn huskily bid me adieu.

I went to bed that night smiling.  I woke up just after 7am to a text.

Him:

Morning…I think the world of you…

No wonder this guy was a man-whore!  He knows EXACTLY how to reel us bitches in!!  I was kind of pleased that his first thought in the morning after speaking only mere hours ago, were of me.  SQUEE!!!

Me:

Good morning…looking forward to meeting you…

Him:

Same…have a great day…see you soon...

Forty-eight hours after disaster date number one, with the help of Leilani and Piper, I landed date number two.  I was more excited then nervous this time and called my girlfriends to let them know that I’m back in the saddle for round two and the horse’s name was Mr. Tuesday.

Match Game

I’ve learned to be pretty damn good at dusting myself off and getting my shit together, even if I have to fake it just to get by so no one asks questions.  I reflected on the previous night’s comedy of errors.  I was proud of myself for holding my own and that after 17 years I had my first date under my belt.  I also had to laugh at the sheer audacity of Rico Suave.  The material one could be pull from that hour of suffering, could make for some serious comedy fodder on television.

After getting up that morning, I crawled outside, grabbed my crutches and looked myself over in the powder room. I scared myself a little bit as I was the poor man’s Alice Cooper.  Make-up streaked down my face, grout lines imprinted on my left cheek and my hair a mess of tangles.  I needed to get ready fast as I remembered that I was taking my daughter into Toronto to go back-to-school shopping.

I quickly called Holly to discuss last evening’s activities and she was just happy that I was safe. She said  that I needed to most definitely to kick Rico Suave to the curb if I haven’t done so already.  She also encouraged me to get back out there.  I got the ‘shitty date’ out of the way.  It can only get better moving forward, she advised.

Shopping was a great distraction.  I was pretty much back to my old self by the end of the day and made plans to see some girlfriends Monday night for dinner.

Leilani and her younger sister Piper arrive at my place for dinner Monday and after a quick tour of my new abode I rehash my date night to them over homemade chicken tacos.  They simultainiously laugh and cringe at the details.  They then ask to take a look at the dating sites I’m on and how they work.

I bust out my computer and show them Similar and eCompatability; the two sites I signed up for.  I then explain how winks and smiles worked and it then becomes a  ‘Find a Date for Curiousanyone’ game.  They each took turns picking out a dude for me to check out and if I approved then ‘we’ would send out a ‘wink’ or ‘smile’.  Little did I know that they viewed guys that not only appealed to them like ‘salsasmooh78’ or ‘steeeeeve74’ they also viewed dudes that were a certainly in the ‘not a chance in hell’ category. 

We went back between both sites and we were acting like idiot high school girls looking at the profiles and pics of assorted men.  They were horrified at how questionable some of the photos and profile write-ups were.  Then we noticed someone liked a few of my photos and that he even liked one of my CRIPPLED pics. 

So immediately we go to check out his profile.  His profile was pretty basic. Laid out in just list form of ‘I love…’  Nothing stood out but we perused his photos and THEY thought he looked decent so we collectively decided that WE should ‘wink’ at him.  Wink sent, we went to check out the other fancy dating site I was on.  I answered an email over there and my friends wanted to check back to the other site since there was a far greater plethora of men to peruse through.  Upon my return I discovered that there was an email, from the dude we sent a wink at 10 minutes earlier!! 

Needless to say my girlfriends squealed and were giddy with excitement as was I - a little. (Not gonna lie).  Now I totally had to reply back with THEIR help of course. Below is a transcript of our email interaction which unfolded in a about a 40 minute time-span late Monday evening:

Him:

Thanks for the wink…very sweet of you…

How are you?

To say I was hyperventilating a little as to how to answer was an understatement.  It took us close to 10 minutes to come up with a witty enough reply that didn’t sound too needy or serious.  Leilani noticed the famous Oscar selfie Ellen made famous and we laughed that he tried to insert his face in the image.  We opened with that…

Me:

Very jealous that you went to the Oscars this past year :P  My Photoshop skills are probably worse then yours.

I see you like to travel.  What are some of your favourite destinations you have visited?  I would love to travel more.  My dream is destinations are Paris and Cambodia.

Cheerio

I honestly did not think he would have responded so quickly so the girls and I checked the other dating site to see if the gentleman I smiled at sent something back.  Lo and behold, HE DID TOO!!  We answered the survey type questionnaire that was sent and we checked back to Similar.  There was a message waiting in my inbox!  This then prompted a screaming frenzy from Leilani and Piper.  I just laughed my ass off.

Him:

Don’t be jealous…I was a “seat filler”…auditions for that were terrible…I’ll leave it at that….

Paris is a great bucket list…I love a lot of places…sometimes home…sometimes far away…I loved Prague…I love Budapest…I love my kitchen…it all depends on the time and day…

Warm Regards

Piper was all over the ‘Warm Regards’ close of his email.  At this point in the night Leilani probably urinated about 4 times in 15 minutes, saying she was so nervous for ALL of us.  OMG!  How do we respond back?  He seemed so well travelled.  Piper, who like me was single, suggested to still keep the response light and to mention that I bake but I should end the email with something cuter then ‘Cheerio’.  I decided that I would end with a happy face emoticon.  Daring, I know.

Me:

Wow!  Those are some pretty awesome places you’ve visited, was that for business or pleasure?  I travel for leisure mostly through North America.  I do like a good road trip.

Are you a good cook?  Do you follow a recipe or do you wing it?  Like you, my kitchen is also one of my favourite destinations.  I love to cook and am a self-taught baker.  Dude I can make a totally legit croissant from scratch!  LOL!

:)

Back to eCompatibility.  Buddy over there wanted to skip straight over to direct contact via email!  Wow!  Leilani, Piper and myself were all flushed with excitement.  I accepted his invite to email then we quickly went back to see if the other gentleman responded.  Yup.  There was a message in my inbox.

Him:

Ha…laughing about the croissant part…

I have travelled everywhere…mostly for pleasure…as of late as I get older and wiser…I travel for work…

You are cute my friend…and I adore cute…

His close of ‘You are cute my friend…and I adore cute…’ caused not only heart palpitations but also screaming worthy of going to see a boy band in concert.  I was laughing and shaking at the same time.  Piper and Leilani were already swooning.  Now we knew the next response to him was critical.  We needed to make it flirty without sounding desperate.

Me:

Aww…you’re making me blush.  You are pretty handsome…and I adore handsome :)

Do you want to move this over to IM? I am a night owl…

We hit send and at this point we had long forgotten about the buddy over at the other site.  At this point in the evening the girls were peppering their sentences with the word ‘adore’ like it was going out of style.  The entire evening felt like I was at a high school sleepover.  Hilarious.  Then we immediately noticed there was a reply.

Him:

Would you just prefer my number?

HOLY FUCK!  The girls were jostling me around like a rag doll now and fanning themselves acting like pure idiots.

Me:

Sure.  I’d love to chat with you…

I am grinning like a Cheshire cat right now.

Him:

Okie dokie…

He emails me his digits and I IMMEDIATELY usher my friends out the door so that I can chirp with my new friend without distraction.  We all agree that it was one of the BEST NIGHTS ever hanging out.  I hugged and kissed them and said I ‘ADORED’ them to no end and I would give them the 411 ASAP.  Just “Get the fuck out of my house already bitches!”  I said jokingly.

I wave them good-bye as they drive away.  Lock my front door and literally skip towards my phone.  It’s 10:34pm when I call his number…

Baptism By Fire Part Three

I got super nervous again all of a sudden but not for the reason that one would think.  I was nervous about Rico Suave watching me hobble out of the restaurant.  There is ZERO attraction to this dude but the fact that he has to see me and my disability in action bothered the hell out of me.  It made me feel I was not enough, even for someone like him.

He didn’t even open the fucking doors for me himself.  He used the handicapped buttons on the doors and ONLY because I approached the doors first, well before he did.  One of them didn’t even work so I had to open the door MYSELF!

As I followed him to his car, he made a comment about the fact I wouldn’t be able to stop him from touching me if he wanted to because I was busy using my crutches.   He then proceeded to grab my ass.  I knew right then I was totally fucked once I got into his car.  I wasn’t scared more then I was annoyed.  I knew he was planning on fully unleashing his Rico Suave moves on me.  I knew I could beat the shit out of him with my crutches! 

I roll dough by hand for a living, so my pipes were bigger then his.  Fear of something really bad happening to me wasn’t an issue.  This bitch can take care of herself.

Shockingly he opened the car door for me and I immediately grabbed my phone as a precautionary measure.  He grabs my left hand in his as we drive off.  I try to wiggle my hand free and I look at him and say, “How do you think the night is going to end?”  He finally lets go and says, “I don’t know but I had a really good time with you tonight.  How do you think it’s gonna end?”  I let him know that it was very nice to meet him (LIE) and that he gets a handshake from me, that’s how the night is going to end.

Rico Suave looks at me with shock and disappointment.  I also tell him that there is no way in hell he is coming inside my house.  One would think that was a telltale sign that the date was a dud.  Nope.  Dude had the balls to actually park the car on my driveway.  My seatbelt was already off and I had already opened the car door dying to make my escape. 

I thank him again for a ‘nice’ evening and offer a handshake.  He takes my hand and pulls me in for a hug and then BAM!  Rico Suave shoves his tongue into my mouth!!

He wasn’t a horrible kisser but I was practically barrel-rolling out of the car to get away from him.  One would think it would be best not to put the ‘moves’ on.  I made the mistake of placing my hand on his shoulder to push him away and bite his lower lip to get him to extract his tongue from my mouth. 

My complete inexperience in the art of saying ‘good-bye’ showed, because when I pulled away and attempted to say, “I have to g….” Yes.  That’s right Rico Suave only pulled me back into him and intensified his kiss.  I didn’t even have the chance to say the word ‘go’ for fuck’s sake!!  I shoved him off me and got the hell out of the car, slammed the door and got the inside my house as quickly as I could.

I then immediately called my friend Carrie and told her I was coming over.  She asked if I was okay.  I said ‘yes’ and hopped on my scooter and booted it to her house.  As I was making my way to Carrie’s I get a text from Rico Suave.

Him: 

Did you panic when I kissed you?

Me: 

No.  Why?

Him: 

You just left really quickly.  I think you’re hot BTW.  We have chemistry.  I’m still close by.  Do you want me to come back?

Seriously.  The motherfucking balls on this guy!!! 

Me:

No.  Go home.

I wanted to add “You fucking pervy cheap bastard!” to the end of the text but Rico Suave wasn’t worth anymore of my time.

I got to Carrie’s place and she immediately got me a Mango-rita and asked me again if I was okay.  I reassured her that I was then gave her the play by play of the evening.  She was horrified that I paid for dinner.  She then asked me if I regretted going.

“As bleak as the date itself was, I know that I am capable of engaging in conversation and I wasn’t a complete idiot.  I also got kissed for the third time in my entire life.  It may have been unwelcome and the LEAST romantic, but someone kissed me.”

“Nice!” Carrie says happily.  “Now you won’t be so nervous the next time.”

Lucky for me Sharknado 2 was making it’s premiere that night and I stayed over to see what all the hype was about.  I laughed my ass off with her family before I headed home for the evening.

When I walked through my door after getting home from Carrie’s place, I cried.  I crumpled onto the floor and sobbed in the foyer of my new place.  Alone.  I hated online dating.  I hated that you are judged on the way you look.  My whole life my look wasn’t good enough.  I was the fat funny girl.  Fun to hang out with but not to kiss goodnight.   No boy liked me in high school.  I never posed for my high school grad photos or went to prom for fuck’s sake because I didn’t feel pretty enough compared to everyone else.  College was the same.  I was actually surprised I managed to get married, but that ship has sailed.  To start from scratch at forty and be disabled amplifies every last insecurity I have about myself.  In the world of online dating looks aren’t everything.  It’s the ONLY thing and I certainly don’t have that.  

I fell asleep that night in the hallway like a dog, my pretty white dress and make-up ruined and I had thrown my crutches out on the porch with disgust.

Baptism By Fire Part Two

Holy fuck.  Holy fuck.  Holy fuck.  I’m not ready for this.

He’s smaller then I thought.  He’s got a bit of a Beetlejuice head.  Little.

Shit. Shit.  Shit.  He noticed me.  He’s walking towards me.

Smile.  Smile girl.  SMILE AND BREATHE.

I shake his hand.  He has really little hands.  Why isn’t he letting go of my hand?  Why is he grabbing my other hand as he sits down?  Say something.  Stop smiling.  SAY FUCKING SOMETHING!!!!

“Hi.  You smell nice and I like your shirt.” 

I read somewhere one should always offer a compliment when first meeting someone.  I just don’t understand why he’s NOT letting go of my hands.  I reach for what’s left of my red wine sangria and he finally lets go of my hands I take a sip that pretty much empties my glass. 

Rico Suave didn’t even acknowledge my compliment.  He stared at me then looked under the table super quick to see the rest of my outfit before opening his mouth to speak.

“So what do you want to know?”

Kill me.  Seriously.  He looks under the table and that’s the first thing he says to me?  WTF???

I quietly sigh.  Rico Suave is a creep.  However because I am too fucking nice and felt bad that he drove so far to meet me I decide that I will give him the benefit of the doubt and hope his demeanour improves once we talk face-to-face a little more.  I’m still nervous but I think, ‘new experience…I’m learning on the fly…I can do this’. 

I ask him how his drive across town was and ask how his evening was the night before.  He answers then after we order a bunch of appetizers he says to me, “You look really pretty.”  I don’t take the compliment in high regard considering that he didn’t say it to me right away.  I smile the fakest smile I could muster and call the server over and order another drink.  In hindsight I should have initiated my back-up plan at this point but the kind bitch that I am says give it a little more time.

I order another red wine sangria.  The server smiles a knowing smile at me.

“So what else?” Rico Suave says.  He has yet to ask anything about me. 

Granted looks aren’t everything.  I of all people should know that, but because he is lacking in general social skills I hate his face. 

Our appetizers arrive.  I close my eyes so it looks like the grilled calamari I’m eating is the best shit ever but really I’m trying to regain my composure. (The calamari is rubbery as fuck BTW) I ask him to tell me more about his trip to New York then FINALLY the guy starts to talk and ask me questions!  We start to debate food joints and I deduce he’s not the foodie he claimed to be.  Please fucker, if you can’t name three James Beard award-winning Chefs, restaurants or at least two Thomas Keller joints and how he’s the American Culinary Godfather then you are full of shit.  He then he goes on to tell me that he’s a label whore.  He loves Armani, Gucci, Tom Ford and Burberry then points out that his shirt is from Burberry and the cologne he’s wearing is Tom Ford.   

If dude is thinking that I’m supposed to be impressed by this he’s got to be kidding me.   Wear something by Ferragamo, Dolce & Gabanna, Zegna, Massimo Dutti or Hermes and maybe then I may change my mind.

Rico Suave suddenly gets up and crosses the table and practically sits up on my lap, wraps his arms around me and demands that I smell his neck.  I reluctantly do as I’m told and push him away and tell him to go back to sitting across from me.  I now REALLY want to get shitfaced but then I remember I act kinda slutty when I’m drunk.  DEFINITELY want to avoid that with Rico Suave.

“You smell really good…so you wearing a thong?”

I laugh but inside I’m cringing and thinking what the fuck have I gotten myself into.  At that point I stuff as much polenta fries into my mouth so I look like a chipmunk to avoid answering his oh so classy question.  I’m thinking it’s gotta be late now. I’ve given him at least 3 hours of my time for sure.  Rico Suave asks if I want anything else before asking for the bill.  I shake my head, mouth still full. 

I check my phone.  It’s ONLY 8:37pm!  He met me just before 7:30pm!!!

The bill arrives and he takes it initially.  I was told that the lady should make the gesture to ‘offer’ to pay, but a real gentleman ALWAYS takes care of the bill.  I offer and to pay and guess what?  THE MOTHERFUCKER TAKES ME UP ON MY OFFER!!!!  I fucking pay the $97.89 for the sub-par meal and drinks. 

I am never getting the sixty or so minutes of my life back. I learned nothing new about him and douche didn’t fucking even care to really know anything about me.  And he made me pay the bill?!! Thank God he suggests that we call it a night. 

“Perfect!”  I say a little too quickly and with great enthusiasm.

Rico Suave offers to take me home.  I don’t want to bother Carrie since she did me a solid earlier today so I reluctantly accept his offer to take me home.

OMG!  I should have known better….

Baptism By Fire Part One

He wants to meet me.  Fuck.

Part of me was preparing for that and the other part of me was hoping to God that he would never suggest such a thing.  Ever.  We could literally JUST date online. 

I told him ‘perhaps’ to the date as I may have a photo shoot (My roots are in photography) on the Saturday he wants to go out.  I would let him know by late Friday evening if it was a go.  This of course was all pure bullshit.  A believable excuse just in case I pussy out without making me look bad.

The rest of the week continued with even more flirtatious texts between us and I even got crazy and used emoticons.  I know I was really pushing the envelope.  By mid-week I felt the anxiety slowly creep its way in.  I needed to call in the troops.  I needed my most bestest lady friends for advice.

Carrie who lives in my neighborhood and is as fanatical about shoes as her Sex in the City namesake and just as pretty (bitch), is the first to see me and debate the issue of going on the date.  “What are you worried about?” She asks me.  I explain that I am SUPER self-conscious about the way I look.   I don’t want him to see me and be totally disappointed.  She rolled her eyes at me, irritated.  Carrie pointed out that he contacted me first.

The next 48 hours brought two more girlfriends over.  Sash my profile proofreader and Holly.  Like Sash, Holly found love online.  They try to ease my ever-growing doubt and anxiety.  Both only reiterated what Carrie said.  “You have nothing to lose and it will be a great learning experience.”  Holly was super hardcore about safety.  She suggested that I let as many people know about my date and use Facebook to check-in.  Smart.  Safety-first, as always.  She also wanted to remind me that I should try and have fun and that I’ll know within the first 10 minutes if he’s a stage-five clinger. 

I let Rico Suave know late Friday that I was able to go out Saturday.  So began my restless and anxiety driven sleep that ensued.  The morning brought a phone call from my oldest friend Leilani giving me a pep talk.  “Wear something that you know makes you look hot even though today you will feel like everything you try on doesn’t.  Take it as a learning experience and you’ll be fine.”  I thanked her and then not even 2 minutes later Sash texts me, “You’re beautiful and amazing.  He’s lucky you agreed to date him.”  I honestly don’t know what I would do without my best bitches around.

By the time 3pm rolled around I was a fucking mess.  My chest felt tight like I couldn’t breathe and I actually vomited bile.  I couldn’t eat and I had a horrific headache.  Carrie texted me to see how I was doing and I let her know that I was a complete wreck.  She forced me to head out with her and her daughter to decompress and run mindless errands to take my mind off how nervous I was.  She could tell that I was not in good shape the minute I got into her car.  “Breathe.”  She told me.  Easier said then done, I thought to myself.  The hour that I was out with Carrie and her daughter was a total blur.  I felt nauseous.  I just wanted to lie down or vomit.  “Breathe.  I can tell that you’re not breathing.” Carrie says to me, concerned.  “What do you have to be nervous about?”  I explain that I am totally freaking about the fact the he will not like me when he sees me in person.  I don’t want him to see me hobble in my crutches.  I will have nothing to say to him.  I don’t really know how to act.  That I’m debating on wearing a long dress, that is not as cute as the short one I want to wear, just so that it wouldn’t be so shocking to see me disabled.  Oh and the list goes on.

“He contacted you first and is FULLY aware of your situation and you have been texting so why wouldn’t he like you?  Take a Tylenol for the headache, have a snack and a drink to take the edge off.  Do you want me to come over to help you decide what to wear?” She asks.

“No.”  I just want to be alone and cry I think.

By the time Carrie drops me off at home to start getting ready for my date, I feel like I want to pass out.  She offers to drive me to the restaurant and have a quick drink with me at the bar beforehand.  I feel a teeny tiny sense of relief and accept her offer.  I vomit as soon as I walk in the door. I crawl into the shower and pray to God it helps to wash some of my nerves away or at least stop me from shaking uncontrollably.

I wear a white spaghetti strap knee length A-line summer dress with a sheer patterned overlay in the same colour, with an oak coloured cardigan and belt.  My shoe is an open-toed cage lace-up sandal.  I wear my favourite pair of oversized gold earrings and I’ve left my hair down, gave myself a smoky-eye and glossed my lips sheer.  It’s the best I could do and I still feel inadequate and ugly.

Carrie picks me up and grins madly in approval then notices the utter fear and anxiety in my face.

“BREATHE!” she says as she shakes my shoulders.

I am lightheaded when we arrive at the restaurant.  We find a booth at the bar and I am a giant ball of nerves.  We order sangrias and I’m shaking as I bring the beverage to my mouth.  Carrie then suggests that I should have a ‘back-up’ plan should the date die by the wayside.  She calls our server over and writes down a cell phone number on a napkin and tells the server that if I order a white wine sangria that he is to call her ASAP and she will come to my rescue and whisk me away.  She then says, “You’re lucky that I like you because I feel like an idiot giving the server my phone number.  He probably thinks I’m trying to pick him up!!”  We belly laugh, then she sucks back her drink, hugs the shit out of me and wishes me luck before I almost tearfully see her exit.

I am on my phone texting everyone I know that I’m at the restaurant waiting for him and trying to find ways to distract myself from dry-heaving right then and there.

Rico Suave texts me:

I’m here.  What are you wearing?

Shit. Here goes nothing…

Textual Relations

Rico Suave:

“FINALLY… hello hello”

Me:

“Hi.”

Rico Suave:

“What are you up to?”

Me:

“Not much of a texter so forgive me if I don’t get back to you right away.  I also have a very busy baking week ahead of me.”

I know.  I’m all business in my reply.  Like I said before, totally awkward in situations like this and it’s ONLY texting.

Rico Suave:

“What are you making?”

Me:

“Cakes and cupcakes.  I’ll be covered in icing and sugar by the time this week is over.”

Texts can be interpreted in many ways and again my complete lack of experience in the art of texting had me walk right into the innuendo that came next.

Rico Suave:

“Hmmm…covered in icing and sugar…I’d like to see that.  I bet you would taste delicious.”

To say I more then blushed was an understatement.  I was totally embarrassed yet slightly intrigued at the same time.  I decided to be flirty back.  Why the hell not.  It’s not like I’m going to see him in person anytime soon.  Be bold I said to myself.

Me:

“Hahaha!  That’s for me to know and if you play your cards right…”

We texted daily over the next five days.  They were fun and flirty and I was enjoying myself and then he suggested that we meet.  I told him that there was no way in hell that we would meet until we had a ‘phone date.’  I said it was important for me to hear the sound of his voice.  The phone also allows you have a conversation in real time, no delay, no hiding behind a text that can be interpreted in so many ways.   It was also a delay tactic since I am scared shitless to actually go on a date with a boy.

I decided that I would let him call me.  Midnight.  Friday. 

12:01am he calls.  I’m having small heart palpitations just before I answer my cell phone.

 

“Hello.  How are you?”

I try to sound mysterious but I’m giggling like a school girl.  Giggling is my coping mechanism when I’m nervous. 

Rico Suave sounds like The Fonz but not as smooth. 

“I’m good.  So what do you want to know?  I like your voice.”

That was his opener to me.  I could see conversation would be a challenging task.  I ask him to tell me more about himself.  What he does for a living.  Siblings.  How his day was.  He answers them kind of matter-a-factly and then again with, “What else do you want to know about me?”  Then waits for more questions from me.  SERIOUSLY!?

I ask him about the restaurant he went to for dinner prior to calling me and that seemed to totally break the ice with him.  Maybe Rico Suave was just at nervous as I was talking to him?  Once we got into the topic of anything food our conversation flowed easily and he asked the typical ‘getting to know you’ questions of me.

About an hour into our phone date the topic of sex came up.  My friends KNOW this is a topic I have no problem discussing.  Aside from food it’s the next best thing I love to talk, dream, read, write and watch!!!  It got raunchy pretty fast but that was all him.  He’s technically still a stranger and I of course am still a lady and only answered with a yes, no or maybe.  I NEVER elaborated.  Must leave some stuff for the imagination!!!  His sex shit talk wasn’t anything new to me.  Please.

It was approaching 2am.  I was amused by our phone date and was VERY cautiously optimistic.  I gave him a pass on his foodie knowledge but just barely.  I told Rico Suave I needed to go, and bid him a breathy goodnight.

One minute later the fucker texts me to say that he can’t sleep and has the audacity to challenge me to a “sexting” contest.  The balls on this dude!  I however accepted the challenge against my better judgement and explained it was a ONE-TIME thing.  Rico Suave had no idea that I write erotic poetry for friends and smutletts for fun.  BRING IT ON!  There is no way he could EVER be better than me at this.  

I won.

He asked me out on a date 24 hours later.