Kiss and Yell

I was on a bit of a high, post sex and feeling fucking awesome rehashing my dirty tryst with Mr. Tuesday with all my girlfriends.  They were ALL so happy for me and I just needed to complete my circle and relay my latest life update with Victor. 

I’ve known Victor for over half of my life.  The dude has seen me through all the highest of the highs and lowest of the lows and vice versa.  He is the one person who truly knows ALL the skeletons in my closet.  We don’t see or speak with each other often but when we do, the two of us just pick up where we left off last.  Happily married with two kids and his wife is deadly gorgeous.

It was my bff duty to call him.  It was late Friday night when we spoke.  I was all bubbly and giddy as I retold, in great detail, my unexpected sexcapade.  I totally thought he’d be all over the fact that I did something so out of character and so very liberating.  He was well aware of my ‘dry spell’ and my complete lack of confidence so I was really expecting that final pat on the back from my oldest and dearest friend. 

Alas.  That was not the case.

VICTOR:

Are you out of your fucking mind??

ME:

What are you talking about?  Dude, I JUST had a super lusty night with someone.  It was totally consensual and fun.  Very out of character of me but fuck, it was awesome.

VICTOR:

I just don’t think that you are being very smart.  You just moved out on your own, you have kids…

ME:

Wait.  What does just moving out and having kids have to do with the fact that I just fucked someone?

VICTOR:

You just don’t want to bring that shit into your home.  Plus you’re a mother.  Kids first.

I was totally flabbergasted at his response to my encounter.  I truly believed that he would be on cloud nine for me considering how he knew exactly how I felt about my self-esteem and my situation.  He was supposed to share in my glory.  Be happy that I did something that felt so damn good both physically and mentally, once I got past my numerous anxiety attacks, that is.

VICTOR:

You don’t know a single thing about him besides the fact that he is a “player”.

ME:

What’s wrong with that?  I knew exactly what kind of creature he was when I went on the date with him.  Eyes wide open for me.  I wanted to test the waters out, to just have fun.  I haven’t been laid in two fucking years and what better way to get fucked then with someone who KNOWS what he’s doing.  Penis in vagina was pretty nice dude.

VICTOR:

Did you come?

ME:

No but…

VICTOR:

HA!  Not good then.  What’s the point of fucking someone if you don’t come? 

ME:

Ummm…HE came…TWICE…so I think I did alright.  Anyways, I don’t give a shit if I came or not…I fucked someone and someone willingly wanted to fuck me.  My vagina was serviced with a fucking real dick and a pretty nice one as a matter of fact,  tell me that isn’t fucking awesome??   I took care of business afterward.  He was gentlemanly during the whole encounter and I feel great, what’s the problem Victor?

VICTOR:

I just think that you need to concentrate on getting your shit together and focusing on the kids.  I just think that you’re not being very smart.  I think you need to talk to someone.  A professional.

Whatever miniscule moment of happiness I had, vanished after talking to him.  I began to doubt my decision about getting into the dating game and especially sleeping with Mr. Tuesday.  Maybe I was being a selfish bitch.  That I was putting my needs first above all things.  I was a shitty human being for being so frivolous.  I wanted to crawl under a rock and die.  Dammit.

I managed to sway the conversation from my tryst to updating him on all the other mundane shitty parts of my life which seemed to suit him fine.  I eventually let him go but not before he had to shank me with…“Make sure you go and talk to someone and kids first bitch.”  Kiss. Kiss. 

Fuck.  Sigh.

I laid on my couch for a good thirty minutes mulling over the events of the last twenty-four hours and what Victor spewed at me.   I teared up a bit thinking that I disappointed my oldest friend but then I realized he was just looking out for my best interests and being protective.  Maybe I needed that dose of tough love.  To ensure that I keep my head and heart separate as I further explore this “friends with benefits” arrangement.  It is all brand spanking new to me.  I also noted that he isn’t living MY LIFE.  No matter how much I discuss my situation with him or anyone for that matter, they will NEVER understand exactly what I am feeling.  No one can.

I am a grown damn woman.  Being a mother doesn’t mean I have to forget who I was BEFORE kids.  I’m still a single woman with basic needs, wants and desires.  I should be able to act upon them as I see fit, with whom I see fit, if it makes me happy.  Not everyone is going to be pleased with me but I have to remember that it’s okay.  Good or bad, I know a lesson is going to be learned that will make or break me.  If it’s the latter then so be it.  Like I said, I ALWAYS find a way to pick myself up, dust myself off and move the fuck on.