The Beaver Pelt

Mr. Tuesday and I spoke on the phone over the next few days and discussed our encounter.  He told me that I was a damn fine lay compared to some able-bodied women he’s slept with. To say I was shocked when he disclosed that information was an understatement.  I was happy dancing all kinds.  It made me want to go and fuck him ASAP.  Sadly however the logistics of us meeting up again so soon was complicated. We both mutually maintained contact via cell and I was praying that he would want to have another “friendly” rendezvous soon.

With the possibility of more sex on the horizon I decided that I needed to properly maintain my nether region.  The fact that it took THREE triple blade razors to rid myself of enough hair to make a life-sized sculpture of an Ewok was disturbing.  You cannot even imagine what my stubble situation was post shave.  Let’s just say that it would not be a problem to grate a hard cheese, rind and all with my crotch. 

Having a tidy vajayjay was never a priority.  I wasn’t a fan of cunnilingus so what was the point?  Penis in vagina will occur if there is hair or not, right?  I have on occasion done an outer lip shave just so that I didn’t look like Borat when I wore a bathing suit.  Also, when I was super pissed off at my now ex-husband, I’d use his razor to take EVERYTHING off so I would ensure he would have a super fun shave the next day as punishment.  Granted I suffered a few days later once the hair came in.  Actually, now that I think about it, I just let that rain forest grow down there because I just couldn’t deal with the torture of the stubble.

Many of my girlfriends suggested that I get my fur burger waxed. The thought that a complete stranger, who is NOT your doctor or someone you’re fucking, touching your business kind of freaked me out.  I did entertain the idea several times in the past but couldn’t get over all the strange positions one would have to pose for JUST to get into all those special nooks and crannies.  Let’s not forget the pain.  I’ve been told it was almost akin to childbirth.  I remember those days.  NOT FUN.

After much consultation with Carrie about maintaining my lady parts along with coaxing from the local neighbourhood gal who does my pedicure, eyebrows and all the mommy waxing in the ‘hood’, I booked an appointment to get a real proper bikini wax.

I was told that one’s VERY first whisker biscuit wax was going hurt.  BAD.   Like a bitch.  That I should prepare by having a drink to take the edge off.  Fuck.  I should smoke weed instead then there would be NO EDGE.  Alas, I was not able to get my hands on some the day of my waxing. I gave myself a good scrub down so that I was meadow fresh when I spread my legs open.  I took three shots of Soho and finished half a bottle of riesling at 9:30 in the MORNING.  I know, classy.   Needless to say, I was buzzing pretty darn good.

I arrived at my appointment feeling only slightly nervous thanks to the alcohol.  Karly, my esthetician, told me to take my pants off but leave my panties on.  Strange I thought.  I figure that I’d have to be naked from the waist down, guess not.  John Mayer was playing softly in the background.  How appropriate that “Your Body is Wonderland” was the song. 

“Did you have something to drink?” Karly asked smiling.  “Yuppers.” I quickly responded as I hopped up on the table.  She then asked if I was nervous as she placed a towel over my lower half.  I told her that I wasn’t as anxious as I was earlier thanks to my alcohol consumption.  “PERFECT!”  She squealed out.

“This is going to be a tag team kinda job okay?  I’ll tell you to where to put your hand and you pull the skin there.  It makes it easier to apply the wax and to really get all those little hair goodies.”

I felt her tuck some Kleenex into the right side of my panties before she gave me a front wedgie.  “Spread ‘em girl.”  Baby powder was then sprinkled on me and then she asked me to pull my inner thigh taught with my right hand and then with my left to hold the front wedgie in place.  I watched as she dipped a wide flat stick into the hot wax.  I tensed up in anticipation.  I felt the extremely warm wax adhere to my skin.  She then placed a strip of fabric directly onto the wax then rubbed the prepared area.  Fuck.  Here it comes.

“Ready?”  Karly asked, eyes intently fixed on me.

I could only nod.  I had tensed up as I bit down on my lower lip and worried my eyebrows together.

Karly got a good grip on the corner of fabric that was wax free and then on the count of three….RRRRRRRRRRIP!  SWOOSH!

I squeaked out my discomfort like a piglet then exhaled loudly.  Fuck, did that ever hurt, but not as much as I would have thought.  Then I remembered that she still has the rest of Dumbledore’s beard to do.  Damn.

“Do you want everything off?”  she asked just as I let out a loud hiss from her latest pull.  “I think I want a little bit of a landing strip but everything else can go.” I replied through clenched teeth.  The next thirty minutes consisted of grunts and hissing on my end and I got a full abdominal workout from being so tense just before every biting rip of the cloth.  Karly was so OCD about getting every stray hair she even busted out the tweezers to get at the little suckers that didn’t stick to the wax.  THAT. WAS.  TORTURE. 

When she let me know she was totally done I exhaled loudly and wiped the small beads of sweat that had formed on my forehead.  “What did you think?”  Karly asked as I picked out my front vaj wedgie  “It hurt but not as much as I thought it would.” I replied as I was putting my pants back on.  I felt very uhhh…aerodynamic and spacious without the forest of pubes occupying real estate in my panties.  I felt lighter actually.  Weird, I know but that’s what it felt like to be practically hairless down there.

I was dying to get home and look at myself.  I thanked Karly and she told me that in order to maintain my burger buns I would need to come in at least every 5 weeks.  I booked my next appointment and made my way home.  I went straight to the bathroom as soon as I entered the threshold of my house.  I dropped my pants and panties and looked at Karly’s handiwork. 

WHOA.  It looked so smooth and neat.  The landing strip was nice and even and I felt like I had the crotch of a porn star.  I couldn’t stop looking at myself from EVERY angle.  Damn she was good.  I wanted to walk around sans bottoms all day.  Fuck.  I wanted to kick myself for not doing this sooner.  My overall experience with my very first bikini wax was that it was both painful and erotic at the same time.  Odd but true.  I loved the feeling the heat from the wax but the sudden jarring pain when a pull had to be done was brutal.  Ying and yang I guess.  Either way, I’m glad I did it and couldn’t wait to test my porn-like looking vagina.  Beaver pelt gone it was time to call Mr. Tuesday…