Kiss and Yell

I was on a bit of a high, post sex and feeling fucking awesome rehashing my dirty tryst with Mr. Tuesday with all my girlfriends.  They were ALL so happy for me and I just needed to complete my circle and relay my latest life update with Victor. 

I’ve known Victor for over half of my life.  The dude has seen me through all the highest of the highs and lowest of the lows and vice versa.  He is the one person who truly knows ALL the skeletons in my closet.  We don’t see or speak with each other often but when we do, the two of us just pick up where we left off last.  Happily married with two kids and his wife is deadly gorgeous.

It was my bff duty to call him.  It was late Friday night when we spoke.  I was all bubbly and giddy as I retold, in great detail, my unexpected sexcapade.  I totally thought he’d be all over the fact that I did something so out of character and so very liberating.  He was well aware of my ‘dry spell’ and my complete lack of confidence so I was really expecting that final pat on the back from my oldest and dearest friend. 

Alas.  That was not the case.

VICTOR:

Are you out of your fucking mind??

ME:

What are you talking about?  Dude, I JUST had a super lusty night with someone.  It was totally consensual and fun.  Very out of character of me but fuck, it was awesome.

VICTOR:

I just don’t think that you are being very smart.  You just moved out on your own, you have kids…

ME:

Wait.  What does just moving out and having kids have to do with the fact that I just fucked someone?

VICTOR:

You just don’t want to bring that shit into your home.  Plus you’re a mother.  Kids first.

I was totally flabbergasted at his response to my encounter.  I truly believed that he would be on cloud nine for me considering how he knew exactly how I felt about my self-esteem and my situation.  He was supposed to share in my glory.  Be happy that I did something that felt so damn good both physically and mentally, once I got past my numerous anxiety attacks, that is.

VICTOR:

You don’t know a single thing about him besides the fact that he is a “player”.

ME:

What’s wrong with that?  I knew exactly what kind of creature he was when I went on the date with him.  Eyes wide open for me.  I wanted to test the waters out, to just have fun.  I haven’t been laid in two fucking years and what better way to get fucked then with someone who KNOWS what he’s doing.  Penis in vagina was pretty nice dude.

VICTOR:

Did you come?

ME:

No but…

VICTOR:

HA!  Not good then.  What’s the point of fucking someone if you don’t come? 

ME:

Ummm…HE came…TWICE…so I think I did alright.  Anyways, I don’t give a shit if I came or not…I fucked someone and someone willingly wanted to fuck me.  My vagina was serviced with a fucking real dick and a pretty nice one as a matter of fact,  tell me that isn’t fucking awesome??   I took care of business afterward.  He was gentlemanly during the whole encounter and I feel great, what’s the problem Victor?

VICTOR:

I just think that you need to concentrate on getting your shit together and focusing on the kids.  I just think that you’re not being very smart.  I think you need to talk to someone.  A professional.

Whatever miniscule moment of happiness I had, vanished after talking to him.  I began to doubt my decision about getting into the dating game and especially sleeping with Mr. Tuesday.  Maybe I was being a selfish bitch.  That I was putting my needs first above all things.  I was a shitty human being for being so frivolous.  I wanted to crawl under a rock and die.  Dammit.

I managed to sway the conversation from my tryst to updating him on all the other mundane shitty parts of my life which seemed to suit him fine.  I eventually let him go but not before he had to shank me with…“Make sure you go and talk to someone and kids first bitch.”  Kiss. Kiss. 

Fuck.  Sigh.

I laid on my couch for a good thirty minutes mulling over the events of the last twenty-four hours and what Victor spewed at me.   I teared up a bit thinking that I disappointed my oldest friend but then I realized he was just looking out for my best interests and being protective.  Maybe I needed that dose of tough love.  To ensure that I keep my head and heart separate as I further explore this “friends with benefits” arrangement.  It is all brand spanking new to me.  I also noted that he isn’t living MY LIFE.  No matter how much I discuss my situation with him or anyone for that matter, they will NEVER understand exactly what I am feeling.  No one can.

I am a grown damn woman.  Being a mother doesn’t mean I have to forget who I was BEFORE kids.  I’m still a single woman with basic needs, wants and desires.  I should be able to act upon them as I see fit, with whom I see fit, if it makes me happy.  Not everyone is going to be pleased with me but I have to remember that it’s okay.  Good or bad, I know a lesson is going to be learned that will make or break me.  If it’s the latter then so be it.  Like I said, I ALWAYS find a way to pick myself up, dust myself off and move the fuck on.

  

First Contact

I have now checked my stupid profile hourly.  Feeling shittier as time passes when I get no response.  Granted I did answer the emails at just after 6am.  People go to work on weekdays still, right?

I try to keep busy.  Checking my Instagram and Facebook play Candy Crush and Candy Mania, which is a far superior game in my opinion then its predecessor by the way.   I answer emails regarding cake orders, vacuum the entire second floor of my home and begin prep for what will be the most brutal of baking weeks for me.  It’s now only 9:04am. 

I now second guess my response to these dudes and want to smack my head repeatedly against the wall.  Maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned I was a mom of three or that I love food way too much?  Shit.  Maybe the details of my cancer wasn’t the most appropriate thing to mention right off the bat?  I suck.  I’m going to have a full time relationship with my detachable shower head and alternate my imaginary escapes between my collection of smut books and Harry Potter fan fiction.

I purposely never added the dating site apps to my phone or iPod.  If I am this manic now about checking for responses can you imagine if I had it on my mobile devices?  Disaster.  I decide that I better get myself deep into my baking.  Get into the zone and blast some Justin Bieber (Yes.  I listen to the Biebs.  He’s a punk-ass douche but I like his tunes and if I were 16 years old again I’d have highly inappropriate dreams about him) and try not to obsess.

It’s 2:17pm.  I have time to kill between my cakes baking in the oven so with baited breath I check my profile…

DING!  DING!  DING!  DING! DING!

Two new replies.  I exhale and open the emails…

The first is from the older gentleman aka ‘OG’.  He thanks me for the email, tells me that he is happy that I have kids as he has a son the same age as my youngest.  He also says that my disability does not bother him and says, “You are curvy and have a Mona Lisa smile.  I think you’re gorgeous.”  I want to tell you that the best part of that sentence was that he properly contracted ‘you are’ as ‘you’re’ NOT ‘your’.  Then I thought, me and gorgeous in the same sentence?  OG is really working it for a piece of ass! 

Rico Suave dude replies back telling me that we will be trouble together since we are both foodies.  Then asks if I like wine.  Then BAM.  His phone number.  Then suggests we go on a culinary adventure together.  This guy didn’t waste anytime.

Flirty.  I liked it.

I replied to OG and told him he made me blush when he said I was gorgeous and that it was nice he had a son the same age as my youngest.  He mentioned in his email that he was going to Nova Scotia.  I told him I loved it there and asked whereabouts he was staying and to have a lobster for me. 

The true nature of my naivety totally showed itself when I replied back to Rico Suave.  I told him I know nothing about wine, just that I like it sweet and that ice wine makes me weak in the knees.  Oh fuck.  Did this guy run with that!  I seriously did not think that statement had any innuendo to it.  In hindsight, it totally was.  I am on a dating site after all.   Amateur move girl.  Amateur move.

Those who know me personally know that I have an above average knowledge of food.  I don’t eat to live.  I live to eat! I wanted to test this dude’s foodie knowledge so I asked him a bunch of food and restaurant related shit to see if Rico Suave was still worth my time.

I send off my responses and make a point not to check the site because I just antagonize myself and I have a shit-ton of baking to do.  It’s not until after 10pm that I check again.

DING!  DING!  DING!  DING!  DING!

I was totally taken aback by what I got from OG. 

Him:

I don't mean to embarrass you or me for that matter. It's probably not appropriate to talk about this sort of thing, but, This is a dating site.... so there's going to be a little bit? Of flirting right? flirting is kind of expected is it not? Smiles

I can tell you this, I am a normal healthy man, especially when it comes to sex and if you are a normal healthy woman and you and I are together, In a committed monogamous relationship, we are going to have a lot of sex! (Well, as much as a couple could knowing there are 3 or 4 children around!) I truly believe you are a gorgeous woman. What can I say.

Okay, I guess that's enough flirting!

Uhhh….Just a bit fucking BOLD, no?  I got the pure heebie-jeebies after reading that and the nice gentlemanly image of this dude I had in my mind went to shit.   It was a complete Ewwwww....gross forever moment.  I immediately shut that shit down like Kanye West did to Taylor Swift at the MTV Video Awards.

Rico Suave’s wasn’t much better:

How bout you give me a text anytime and i'll be more then happy to share all with you....i just find it easier since im not the greatest of writers:P

REALLY?!  Isn’t texting a form of writing?  Shitty phonetic writing but still writing.  I rolled my eyes but he wasn’t as totally creepy as OG.  I offered him my Blackberry PIN that way he would not be able to have access to my actual cell number until I find everything to be kosher. 

Safety first and so begins my “textual” relationship with Rico Suave because I got a BBM from him five seconds after I offered my PIN. 

Behind the Title

When I tell people that I have little to no experience dating even when I was a young padawan they are shocked.  No boyfriends in high school or college?  I answer with a resounding ‘NOPE’.  I was the token funny fat friend.  You know the one people wanna have around to laugh with or at? I was that ice breaker when a potential hook-up was unfolding before my eyes between two mutual friends.  I had to be happy for everyone else but what about me?  I probably seriously loved 3 dudes my whole life.  Two of the three didn’t pan out but it was more one sided and secret on my part.  Nothing like pining away for somebody you know you can’t have but are good friends with.  Fuck.  Brutal.

I ended up marrying the third guy.  I kind of changed my approach and made it known not only to his friends but also to him that I was totally into him.  I was a total pussy when it came to being assertive with the opposite sex prior to that. This guy, this guy for some reason was a game changer for me.  We were friends first so there was none of this awkward first date jitters.  Our relationship just organically progressed with some strategic nudging on my part.  He was the very first dude I slept with and consequently the ONLY one as well.  I kissed one other person before him and it was one of his best friends against the back wall of a club totally shitfaced.  I also only went down on one other dude aside from my now ex-husband.  All this went down when I was in my early 20’s.  I got married when I was 23 and that was it.  I was locked down.  I had a very good marriage for the first 10 years.  We had two beautiful children and another one on the way.  We were at a decent status quo then I got cancer.

I’ll give you the Coles Notes version because I want to keep things light and every time I have to retell what I went through I small piece of me gets really sad.  I was diagnosed with Melanoma.  I had just given birth to my youngest son.  It stemmed from a small, what I thought was a Planter’s Wart, little bump on the bottom of my right big toe.  By the time I saw the orthopaedic oncologist my condition was Stage IV and they had no choice but to amputate just above the knee.  Going through what I went through completely changed me.  My ex would say I turned into a bitch.  Well, that’s HIS interpretation.  No one, and I mean no one will ever be able to relate to what I went through and what I’m STILL going through unless you become a physically disabled person as an adult.  To make a long story short my marriage struggled since my diagnosis and amputation.  I finally called the time of death on the marriage and made the appropriate arrangements.  I’ve been officially separated for over a year and a half now. 

So…what brings me to the suffering of online dating?  My voracious appetite of smutty books led me to this depravity.  Reading about romance and sex made me crave it ten-fold.  I need sex or at least some kissing and heavy petting.  I haven’t gotten laid in 2 years so I’m basically shrivelling up and dying.  Well my vagina is.  One can only kegel for so long and it’s just not fun anymore.  I’m also tired of being alone.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my time by myself but it’s nice to have someone to be alone with.  Does that make sense?  What I really want is to sow my wild oats.  Never really got to do that when I was younger and able bodied.   Now that I’m old and crippled this will be quite the challenge.  I’m a bit afraid because my experience with men is practically nothing.  I’m basically Anastasia Steele but the chubby disabled version with a hellava lot dirtier mind and mouth.  I want to be more then ‘sorta been kissed’ after all.  I don’t think there is anything wrong with that.