The Beaver Pelt

Mr. Tuesday and I spoke on the phone over the next few days and discussed our encounter.  He told me that I was a damn fine lay compared to some able-bodied women he’s slept with. To say I was shocked when he disclosed that information was an understatement.  I was happy dancing all kinds.  It made me want to go and fuck him ASAP.  Sadly however the logistics of us meeting up again so soon was complicated. We both mutually maintained contact via cell and I was praying that he would want to have another “friendly” rendezvous soon.

With the possibility of more sex on the horizon I decided that I needed to properly maintain my nether region.  The fact that it took THREE triple blade razors to rid myself of enough hair to make a life-sized sculpture of an Ewok was disturbing.  You cannot even imagine what my stubble situation was post shave.  Let’s just say that it would not be a problem to grate a hard cheese, rind and all with my crotch. 

Having a tidy vajayjay was never a priority.  I wasn’t a fan of cunnilingus so what was the point?  Penis in vagina will occur if there is hair or not, right?  I have on occasion done an outer lip shave just so that I didn’t look like Borat when I wore a bathing suit.  Also, when I was super pissed off at my now ex-husband, I’d use his razor to take EVERYTHING off so I would ensure he would have a super fun shave the next day as punishment.  Granted I suffered a few days later once the hair came in.  Actually, now that I think about it, I just let that rain forest grow down there because I just couldn’t deal with the torture of the stubble.

Many of my girlfriends suggested that I get my fur burger waxed. The thought that a complete stranger, who is NOT your doctor or someone you’re fucking, touching your business kind of freaked me out.  I did entertain the idea several times in the past but couldn’t get over all the strange positions one would have to pose for JUST to get into all those special nooks and crannies.  Let’s not forget the pain.  I’ve been told it was almost akin to childbirth.  I remember those days.  NOT FUN.

After much consultation with Carrie about maintaining my lady parts along with coaxing from the local neighbourhood gal who does my pedicure, eyebrows and all the mommy waxing in the ‘hood’, I booked an appointment to get a real proper bikini wax.

I was told that one’s VERY first whisker biscuit wax was going hurt.  BAD.   Like a bitch.  That I should prepare by having a drink to take the edge off.  Fuck.  I should smoke weed instead then there would be NO EDGE.  Alas, I was not able to get my hands on some the day of my waxing. I gave myself a good scrub down so that I was meadow fresh when I spread my legs open.  I took three shots of Soho and finished half a bottle of riesling at 9:30 in the MORNING.  I know, classy.   Needless to say, I was buzzing pretty darn good.

I arrived at my appointment feeling only slightly nervous thanks to the alcohol.  Karly, my esthetician, told me to take my pants off but leave my panties on.  Strange I thought.  I figure that I’d have to be naked from the waist down, guess not.  John Mayer was playing softly in the background.  How appropriate that “Your Body is Wonderland” was the song. 

“Did you have something to drink?” Karly asked smiling.  “Yuppers.” I quickly responded as I hopped up on the table.  She then asked if I was nervous as she placed a towel over my lower half.  I told her that I wasn’t as anxious as I was earlier thanks to my alcohol consumption.  “PERFECT!”  She squealed out.

“This is going to be a tag team kinda job okay?  I’ll tell you to where to put your hand and you pull the skin there.  It makes it easier to apply the wax and to really get all those little hair goodies.”

I felt her tuck some Kleenex into the right side of my panties before she gave me a front wedgie.  “Spread ‘em girl.”  Baby powder was then sprinkled on me and then she asked me to pull my inner thigh taught with my right hand and then with my left to hold the front wedgie in place.  I watched as she dipped a wide flat stick into the hot wax.  I tensed up in anticipation.  I felt the extremely warm wax adhere to my skin.  She then placed a strip of fabric directly onto the wax then rubbed the prepared area.  Fuck.  Here it comes.

“Ready?”  Karly asked, eyes intently fixed on me.

I could only nod.  I had tensed up as I bit down on my lower lip and worried my eyebrows together.

Karly got a good grip on the corner of fabric that was wax free and then on the count of three….RRRRRRRRRRIP!  SWOOSH!

I squeaked out my discomfort like a piglet then exhaled loudly.  Fuck, did that ever hurt, but not as much as I would have thought.  Then I remembered that she still has the rest of Dumbledore’s beard to do.  Damn.

“Do you want everything off?”  she asked just as I let out a loud hiss from her latest pull.  “I think I want a little bit of a landing strip but everything else can go.” I replied through clenched teeth.  The next thirty minutes consisted of grunts and hissing on my end and I got a full abdominal workout from being so tense just before every biting rip of the cloth.  Karly was so OCD about getting every stray hair she even busted out the tweezers to get at the little suckers that didn’t stick to the wax.  THAT. WAS.  TORTURE. 

When she let me know she was totally done I exhaled loudly and wiped the small beads of sweat that had formed on my forehead.  “What did you think?”  Karly asked as I picked out my front vaj wedgie  “It hurt but not as much as I thought it would.” I replied as I was putting my pants back on.  I felt very uhhh…aerodynamic and spacious without the forest of pubes occupying real estate in my panties.  I felt lighter actually.  Weird, I know but that’s what it felt like to be practically hairless down there.

I was dying to get home and look at myself.  I thanked Karly and she told me that in order to maintain my burger buns I would need to come in at least every 5 weeks.  I booked my next appointment and made my way home.  I went straight to the bathroom as soon as I entered the threshold of my house.  I dropped my pants and panties and looked at Karly’s handiwork. 

WHOA.  It looked so smooth and neat.  The landing strip was nice and even and I felt like I had the crotch of a porn star.  I couldn’t stop looking at myself from EVERY angle.  Damn she was good.  I wanted to walk around sans bottoms all day.  Fuck.  I wanted to kick myself for not doing this sooner.  My overall experience with my very first bikini wax was that it was both painful and erotic at the same time.  Odd but true.  I loved the feeling the heat from the wax but the sudden jarring pain when a pull had to be done was brutal.  Ying and yang I guess.  Either way, I’m glad I did it and couldn’t wait to test my porn-like looking vagina.  Beaver pelt gone it was time to call Mr. Tuesday…

Pon Da Replay

The very first thing I did when I closed the door was totally take a post-sex selfie and posted that shit-eating grin on my Facebook page with the caption, “Good motherfucking morning world!”

I now had to give my favourite bitches the play-by-play of the night because of course, that’s what girls do and I was DYING to just physically talk with someone about my indiscretion. 

Below are my actual text exchanges between my girlfriends over a two-hour time frame from when Mr. Tuesday dropped me off at home:

ME:

Mr. Tuesday is driving me home from his place…

JENN:

Shut up!!!!!  Did you guys do it!!!!!  Stop holding out on me!!!!!!!  Tell me!!!!!

ME:

Are you up?

JENN:

You ass!  I know you want to tell me!  Call me quick!!!!!!

LEILANI:

What!!!  Good for you!!!  Need the deets!!!  Who?  What?  When?  Where?

ME:

Call me….

PIPER:

WHAT?????  With who????  Mr. Tuesday???

ME:

Yes.
PIPER:

LOL!! Amazing!  Good for you girl!

MIRANDA:

I assume you saw Mr. Tuesday?

ME:

I went to his place at 1:30 in the morning.  He called to chirp and he dared me to come over…so I did.  Serviced TWICE!

MIRANDA:

Omg, u had better have a nap

ME:

I need to brush my teeth first then I’ll sleep.   He did after all impregnate my mouth.  Hahaha!!

MIRANDA:

Sweet dreams girlfriend!!

  

SASH:

HAHA!  Love it….Mr. Tuesday?

ME:

Yup.

CARRIE:

WHAT?

ME:

TWICE in one night!

CARRIE:

Nice….was it good sex?  Did he have a nice dick?

ME:

I didn’t enjoy it as much as I thought I would.  I had an anxiety attack in the middle of him fucking me the first time because I had body image issues with myself.  He does have a nice dick.  He manscapes.  I let him impregnate my mouth!

CARRIE:

Well if you were so nervous and have been pleasuring yourself for a while then it may take some time.

I love that my girlfriends never once made me feel slutty for the out-of-the-blue crazy shit I just pulled.  Virtual pats on the back was what I got and I was so thoroughly amused by that.

The very last person I got in touch with was Holly.  She by far was THE most excited about my encounter and made me belly laugh like no one’s business via text.

ME: 

My vagina was serviced last night… TWICE!!!

HOLLY:

Shut the fuck up!!!!  Shut the fuck up!!!!  BY WHO????!!!!!!  OMGEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

ME:

Mr. Tuesday

HOLLY:

Way to go Girlfriend!!!  How was it??  Was it amazing??  Do you feel awesome??  Tell me, tell me!!

ME:

I had an anxiety attack for the first time we went for it.  Body hang-ups and shit.  By the time we did it the second time it was better but I didn’t enjoy as much as I should.  He fucked my mouth good ‘tho.

HOLLY:

Wait a second.  Any 40+ year old man who can service a vajayjay more than once in a night is a fuckin’ hero.  Just saying.  Ahhhhh… I kinda love that you had this wild wild sexcapade.

ME:

Me too

HOLLY:

Free your mind girl… let the jizz clear your soul!!  So, so, are we friends with Mr. Tuesday, or just fucking Mr. Tuesday, or seeing where it goes.  Damn Gurl – I’m fuckin’ excited you got LAID!!!  We should celebrate!!!

ME:

It was a total booty call night.  I went to his place at 1:30 in the morning!!!  He dared me to come over.  He didn’t think I would actually show up.

HOLLY:

Haha!!  Good for you Girl.  You know what you want.  You go for it!!

ME:

I think we’re gonna end up with a friend with benefits situation.  I’m not putting my eggs in one basket.

HOLLY:

That’s good too tho…

ME:

And neither is he

HOLLY:

You need it.  Sex is an amazing euphoric release that you need girl.  And it gets all the jitters out and works out the kinks!!  Ain’t nothing wrong with FWB.

ME:

I know, I just gotta get over my body image hang-ups.

HOLLY:

Just don’t get emotionally attached and you are GOOD!!  This should help.

  

ME:

Call me later tonight and I can totally spill the deets properly!!!  So so dying to tell you!!

  

HOLLY:

Making a man feel good.  Or letting a man love your body (and do it good) is what you need!!  I will, I will.  I fuckin’ love you.  Way to GO !!  You get on wit your bad ass self!!  Boot-TAY Licious!!

ME:

Fucking Love Love Love YOU!!

HOLLY:

100 million times ditto

I then send her a shameless selfie with the caption, “Me, waiting in his car as he gets Starbucks for the drive home”

HOLLY:

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!  That looks like an amazing after sex up all night selfie.  Damn Gurl – You Fine!!!  It’s your ‘Sorta been Fucked’ photo!

ME:

OMG YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!

HOLLY:

Loves It

ME:

I fucking reek of cologne and sex.  SO AWESOME!  Holy Fuck!  I just looked in the mirror and I have scratch marks running the length of my back!!

HOLLY:

Damn Gurl – He rough!!! (And you were obvi that good!!!  Made him pounce!!!  Rawwrrrrr!!!)  Damn!!  I think you should name him Tony the Tiger!  LOL

No joke, after speaking with my friends I totally felt like a damn rock star.  I also felt confident that I could swing the whole FWB thing.  That I can separate mind from body.  I like fucking…well actually I like everything that leads up to fucking…the actual intercourse is always just meh for me. 

However I remembered what Carrie told me, that it’s been so long since someone else pleasured me that it would take some time for me to fully enjoy sex.  I also needed to work on my body image issues.  That shit haunts me on the regular.  Either way I fucked a dude on my own terms and was COMPLETELY fine with it. 

I just wondered what Mr. Tuesday thought our late night tryst.  I’d NEVER contact him of course to find out.  I just hoped that IF we ever met up again he would tell me if I was decent or not.  I know for dudes, that sex - even if it’s bad- is still good sex.  I was just happy that he was a total gentleman from beginning to end, so no harm no foul should he not contact me again.

Total bounce in my hobble the ENTIRE day, that is until I called an old friend to relay my news….

...And Repeat

I JUST had sex…with a practical stranger…nine days after we first met…HOLY FUCKING SHIT!

I waited so long to just throw caution to the wind and I didn’t even really enjoy the whole thing.  Yeah, I got some good feels out of it, but I was just so in my head about being naked and my performance that it seemed more like a task rather then something fun.  I however also believe that my sleeping with Mr. Tuesday solidified the fact that I was really and truly totally single.  No more significant attachment.

His warm naked body was pressed against mine in perfect post coital slumber.  I so wanted to revel in my personal victory but I couldn’t.  I actually just wanted to go home.  The deed was done.  He got what he wanted from me and I from him.  I didn’t think there was a need for me to stay.    What I did tonight was so incredibly uncharacteristic of me that it totally felt like an out of body experience.

I laid awake for what seemed liked and eternity and waited until Mr. Tuesday rolled over and we were no longer making skin-to-skin contact.  I stirred just enough to see where all my clothes were.  Okay, jeans and cardigan were where I left them prior to hopping into bed.  I looked around for my top…ahhh….there it was, tossed near the window.  Now where the hell were my panties?  I thought that I would just leave without my fancy gitch and chalk it up to a casualty of the night but fuck, those were expensive and I’m taking them with me dammit!

Mr. Tuesday noticed me stirring.  “Everything okay?” He asked gently as he turned over to face me.  Fuck.  Now I really couldn’t leave.  I laid my head back down on the pillow and looked up at the ceiling and Mr. Tuesday draped his right arm across me and I intertwined my hand with his.  “Uh..huh.” I replied.  “You sure?  Was it okay for you?”  He softly asked as he kissed my temple.  “Yeah….yeah it was fine…you were good.”  Not sure if I sounded convincing but I didn’t really have much to add.

It was odd for me to receive such affection post sex.  It was nice.  Like I said if I wasn’t so self-conscious, I’m positive my encounter with him would have been so much better.  Maybe that was a blessing in disguise, me not coming at all.  It makes the whole “friends with benefits” thing easier to manage.  I’ve always associated climaxing as an emotional thing and isn’t that the whole point of “friends with benefits”?  NO EMOTION.  As long as I NEVER came with him, then all is well. 

I kissed his hand that was holding mine and looked at him in the shadowy darkness.  I leaned in and nuzzled my nose to his before kissing him tenderly.  I began to pet him beneath the sheets.  He returned the kiss in kind and pulled me gently towards him.  He wanted me on top again.  I looked at him and dragged my mouth slowly towards his right ear and suckled his earlobe and whispered, “You on top…please…”

Mr. Tuesday sat up on his elbows and eyed me lasciviously.  He rolled over and used one of his knees to part my thighs.  I could feel him land on my stomach, already rigid.  He softly brushed his lips against mine then began to taste his way to my breasts.  I raked my hands through his hair as he lavished his warm mouth on my peaked nipples.  I was beginning to feel the tightness in my belly.  God I loved what he was doing to me.  I was biting my lip and I swear I broke the skin.  Mr. Tuesday now hovered above me, his forearms on either side of my head.  I then felt his entire length sink slowly into my wet folds.  He filled me and I grappled his back to meet him as he thrusted.  I clenched him inside me.  I arched my back so I could feel more of him as he pumped.  Mr. Tuesday was frantically kissing my mouth, neck and ears and they bore a heated trail from his tongue.  I was distinctly moaning now and pretty sure there would be marks on his back and biceps from where I clasped my hands.  He was unrelenting as he fucked me.  I could feel myself building up but somehow knew that missionary wasn’t how he was going to finish and that I’d have to take care of business for myself later.

“I want you to put me in your mouth.” he gasped into my right ear.  I nodded, then quickly bit his lower lip as he pulled out of me and rolled onto his back.  I nipped and sucked at his nipples as I made way south.  I noticed they were obvious buttons for him as he groaned loudly.  I liked the sound he made when he was noticeably aroused.  It was such a turn on.  I trailed my tongue down his smooth torso and kissed him open-mouth on his right hip. 

Mr. Tuesday was now looking down at me.  I let him watch as I grazed my fingertips against the length of him before I held him firmly in my left hand.  The tip of my tongue stroked him repeatedly until I licked my lips, eyed him and watched as he saw me open wide and engulf him fully into my warm mouth.  He audibly gasped as I felt him hit the back of my throat.  My lips suctioned onto him and I began my advance.  He was slick from just being inside me.  I gripped him tightly at his base and sucked him until my cheeks hollowed.  He was pushing himself deeper into me and every now and then his swollen crown would press against my throat. 

Fuck.  This guy likes to savour every minute of getting oral.  I was beginning to feel my jaw twinge.  I knew he would be done soon when I felt him forcefully push my head down to take him in deeper.  I nursed him a little faster now and gripped and pumped the base of cock.  I could feel his legs slightly shake.  I gave him one last solid pull from my mouth and Mr. Tuesday finally let go with conviction.  He fully impregnated my mouth and I milked him the best that I could.  Shit.  I haven’t swallowed since I was in my 20’s.  Fuck.

I chastely kissed the very swollen tip of him once, twice, three times before swiping the back of my hand across my mouth and crawling back up towards him.  I made sure to kiss him deep because if I had to taste myself so would he.  Fucker.

We laid beside each other holding hands.  My free hand softly tracing long lines against his skin.  Again, I totally felt that I had an out of body experience.  That it wasn’t me in that bed with Mr. Tuesday. 

HIM:

So…uhhh….what was that you said about being hard to get?

He chuckled into my shoulder.

I covered my face with my hands then punched his arm.

ME:

Shut up…Fuck you…THIS whole thing is so not like me at all.  I’m not sure what the hell prompted me to be so crazy and come see you in the middle of the night.

HIM:

You were enamoured by me remember?

ME:

HA!  Okay…you’re right.

Both of us stared at his ceiling.  Mr. Tuesday and I then just started talking. He more so then I.  He talked about television shows he watched, his family and work.  He fascinated me.  I listened intently.

We laid in bed and cuddled for a little while longer before he had to get ready for work.  Mr. Tuesday asked if I needed anything before he made his way to shower.  I nodded and said that I was perfectly fine.  He put on some music and I admired his backside as he walked away from me. 

I exhaled loudly and kept reminding myself to not regret a single minute despite the fact that the logical part of me was arguing that it was a mistake; a HUGE one.  I was starting to over think things and I knew it was so going to kill my vibe.  Fuck that noise. 

I closed my eyes and took a deep cleansing breath in and out.  Better.  I began to get dressed.  I made his bed.  Weird I know, but it’s an OCD thing of mine.  I can’t leave a bed in the morning if it’s not made, regardless of where I am.  So yes, I made the sex bed and hopped down the hallway desperate to get to my phone.

Fuck.  I needed to tell people that my cobwebs have been officially cleaned out.  Here are the assorted texts I sent out the minute my fingers touched my phone:

ME to MIRANDA:  I have been SERVICED!!!!!

ME to LEILANI:  Dude!  I had sex!!

ME to SASH:  I am about to do the “ride of shame” home!!

ME to CARRIE:  I spent the night at a boy’s house…

ME to JENN:  Mr. Tuesday is going to drive me home from his place…

ME to PIPER:  Did THE DEED last night!!

Very high school of me, I know but I couldn’t help myself.  I actually felt pretty damn good.  I can see why people are in such a eurphoric mood post sex.  Hell, I didn’t even come and I still felt great. I was shocked that none of my lady friends responded to me right away.  WTF?!  I needed to talk to someone so badly.  Fucking bitches.  I’ll have to call everyone once I got home.  Damn.

I was in the hallway on the floor madly texting my friends when Mr. Tuesday came out from around the corner, freshly showered and naked.  I was a bit taken aback by his casual demeanor but then again we did just fuck and what I saw wasn’t anything new.  I blushed.  He asked me again if I was alright.   I did my best to look him in the eyes but him being naked was a tad bit distracting.  “Yup.  Totally fine.” I told him quickly.  He turned and headed down the hall and I made my way to the living room and waited on the couch.

“Thanks for making my bed.”  He called out from his room.  I smiled to myself.   A few minutes later Mr. Tuesday walked out in dark jeans, a grey button up and a black suit jacket.  Fuck me, he was handsome.  He pecked me on the lips before he sat down and tied his shoes.  God this man smelled amazing.  Whatever cologne he was wearing I will forever associate it with him regardless of whomever else was wearing it.

Mr. Tuesday gathered his things and I was ready to do the ‘hobble of shame’ out of his apartment.  We made small talk and I kissed him on the elevator ride down.  I liked him.  I liked him enough to know that I could totally work the “friends with benefits” angle.  We were ALWAYS very upfront with each other so there was no bullshitting anything and I loved that.

The drive home was pleasant.  He stopped off at the Starbucks where we first met and picked up some warm beverages for the ride.  I nursed my chai tea latte as he sang along to his playlist with abandon.  He totally made me smile like an idiot.  Loved it.

He pulled up into my driveway and walked me to my front door.  I thanked him again for taking me home and that I had fun.  I smiled up at him and hoped that he would kiss me goodbye.  Mr. Tuesday did not disappoint.  He touched his lips to mine, soft wet and slow.   It was a lovely and proper kiss goodbye, the kind that leaves you floating.  Nice.

I watched as he got back into his car and drove away.  I wondered if he would ever contact me again since we showed each other the benefits.  Could we really be friends?

Please Insert Here

Mr. Tuesday was stark-ass naked now.  I had his generous (Thank GOD) and very turgid member firmly gripped in my right hand.  One of his hands then slipped inside the back of my fancy panties.  GAHHHH!!!  This was seriously happening…JESUS CHRIST! 

I let him go and felt him bounce against my still underwear covered ass.  I was straddling his waist now, the flimsy piece of cloth separating my more intimate connection to him, drenched.  My top was now askew and I my placed my outstretched arms on either side of his head. 

Mr. Tuesday and I looked at each other lustfully, my long hair tenting our faces.  I felt him tug my panties completely off me, an easy feat when you only have one leg.  Surprisingly enough, especially to me, was the fact that I wasn’t self-conscious of him seeing my stump in all its amputated glory.  With him I forgot I wasn’t physically complete.  There was something about him that ALWAYS allowed me to forget.  I liked that.

I was completely exposed from the waist down now and I could feel the length of his shaft against my seam.  Jesus, Mary and Joseph was that ever winding me up!  I leaned down to latch onto his mouth.  To have his tongue explore mine with abandon.  Whatever his mouth was doing, I wanted to have his member mimic the same to me below the waist.  My lord was it ever an excruciatingly welcome torture.

My blood started to slow and white noise filled my ears as he continued to kiss me and ruthlessly rub himself against my opening.  I needed air.  I couldn’t breathe fast enough.  I was gasping into his right ear enjoying the feel of his stubbly jaw against my cheek.  When I broke free he used that as an opportunity to pull my top off me.

All of a sudden, I was thoroughly naked in front of him.   There was just enough light coming from the hallway that it dawned on me…Mr. Tuesday would see E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G.  My saggy boobs, my wrinkled soft middle that bore scars from childbirth, my poorly deforested crotch, all of my imperfections I hide with clothes, laid bare.  That ULTRA amazing feeling I was climbing to just landslided HUGE.

Hello anxiety attack number three.

Mr. Tuesday looked fantastic without clothes on and I needed to remedy my situation quickly.  I didn’t give two fucks—no pun intended—about what satisfaction I needed.  I was hell bent on ensuring that he would be taken care of without having to endure looking at the grossly imperfect side of me.  Distract.  Distract.  MOTHERFUCKING DISTRACT!!!!

I just needed to go though the motions and get the deed and him done by any means possible.  I had to complete the challenge.  I leaned forward as my chest and pebbled nipples dragged against his smooth heated torso.  I adored that skin-to-skin contact.  I kissed him deep and full once more then licked and nibbled his neck and ears.  Then I felt his right hand grip my hip and his left hand position himself to enter me.  The lush tip of his cock teasing my slick entrance then in one fail swoop he pushed up and I sunk into him. Penis entered vagina….wait a minute… OMG.  OMG.  HOLY FUCK!  PENIS HAS ENTERED VAGINA! Mr. Tuesday groaned loudly and I looked at him, my eyes wide and my mouth open to a perfect ‘O’ as he filled me from root to tip.  He started to move, to slowly pump me as I laid on top of him.  Fuck.  He felt so good but I wanted to feel him deeper and harder which meant that I had to sit up and expose myself to him where he could see all the unattractive bits of me. 

He wanted that too, to be deeper in me I could tell.  He slipped his hands in front and pushed me off him just a little so that he was now intently palming and cupping my breasts and rolling my peaked nipples in between his fingers.  Goddamn.   What he was doing felt incredible and I needed compliment his actions with my own but I was freaking out at the fact that he would really have to look at me once I sat upright.

I finally found the courage and to sit up but not before I crossed my forearms in front of me so that my boobs were all that he saw as I placed my sweaty palms against his chest.  I figure this was the best I could do to hide my jelly belly. 

I began to rock my hips and grind myself against him.  Mr. Tuesday groaned loudly as I squeezed him against my inner walls.  He suckled my breasts and pinched my nipples every now and then, which drove me absolutely insane and I just wanted to fuck him even harder however that would mean me leaning back more and he would see just too much unsightly things in the available light.

I knew I was totally over thinking everything which killed a bit the mood on my end but I assumed that what I was doing was decent because he was audibly moaning and panting.  Just take care of him…just take care him…just take care of him I kept repeating to myself. 

I think he wanted me to ride him to the brink and I just couldn’t do it…I was too self-conscious so I figure the best way to hide myself and take care of business was to be a ‘giver’.  I bent forward and kissed him again and then began my slow descent south.  Licking, kissing, sucking and blowing bits and pieces of his ears, throat, chest and stomach.  My long hair like a sheet being dragged against his skin as my mouth moved lower. 

Mr. Tuesday ‘manscapes’!  This motherfucker TOTALLY deserves a blowjob!  Only truly considerate bastards know women don’t want to inadvertently floss their teeth with pubes.

I grazed my lips on his hips, licked his inner thigh and made my mouth known to expanse of skin below his waist.  I looked up at Mr. Tuesday through my lashes as he watched me trace my tongue from base to tip before I opened wide and swallowed his aching manhood until I felt him hit the back of my throat.  I could taste myself on him.  He hissed loudly as I continued my assault, my head bobbing up an down as I ensured I kept him nice and wet inside my mouth.  He started to roll his hips and grabbed a fistful of my hair as I sucked him harder.  He fucked my mouth long enough that my jaw began to slowly ache and my lips became swollen.  I could tell he wasn’t going to let me finish him this way otherwise it wouldn’t have gone on for this long.  I pushed my hair away from my face, kissed his velvety crown and looked at him through hooded eyes.

Mr. Tuesday pulled me up towards him, kissed me quickly then slipped away and stood at the edge of the bed…Ahhh…doggie style…I was game, as this position didn’t show off too much of my unsightly body, well from the front at least.  He entered me unbearably slow I couldn’t help but gasp loudly at the sensation of it.  He pulled back then without warning slammed into me deep.  “FUCK!” I called out.  He was then feverish in his onslaught of me.  Driving himself faster, harder and deeper.  We were both panting hard and I was fisting the sheets.   He let out a laboured groan, gripped my hips roughly before he pulled out and came.  

I already knew that I was never going to finish that night.  My personal hang-ups about my body were too great to fully enjoy my time with him.  He was taken care of and that was my objective.  I also prayed to God he didn’t notice my inexperience.  I just wanted to be a decent lay.   I also FINALLY got the fucking cobwebs cleaned out after two fucking years!!  FUCKING A BITCHES!!!!!!!

Mr. Tuesday then composed himself as did I, got back into bed, asked if I was okay, to which I replied a soft “yeah”, pressed his chest against my back, his left arm around my waist and spooned me as he fell soundly asleep.   I do not cuddle post coitus.  I'm a fuck me, don't touch me and sleep on the wet spot kind of girl.  I found it oddly strange that I did not mind him next to me.

I was awake.  More awake then if I had 5 venti Starbucks blonde roast coffees back-to-back.  My mind was racing reviewing what just transpired and I started to freak out…I think I just made a HUGE FUCKING MISTAKE….

 

Just Jump

Mr. Tuesday calling late wasn’t anything surprising.  Most of our conversations happen after 10pm anyways.  It was really nice knowing there was someone who actually wanted to talk and get to know me.  We were becoming friends, which I liked very much.  Like I said, he was way too charming and funny NOT to want to keep.

We made standard polite chitchat then in his typically charming fashion he cracked one of his terribly cheesy jokes and I cringed and laughed at the same time.  We started talking about our first date and how we were both very remorseful about it ending a little too prematurely.  I told him that he was a great kisser and that I could have done SO MUCH more.  He agreed.  We both sighed at the same time then silence…

In my mind I was recalling that night and imagining all the things that would have happened had I stayed longer.  I pressed my thighs together and felt myself getting tight down there.  I pipe up and say with hopeful questioning…

ME:

I’m okay with the whole friends with benefits thing if that’s what you want. 

HIM:

Yeah, yeah…we could do that.  That’s fine…friends…that mouth of yours….mmm…

Mr. Tuesday’s voice got a little low and husky now.

We sexually teased each other back and forth again about what we liked.  Hot and bothered doesn’t even begin to describe how I was feeling now.  My lower lip was raw from biting and my panties completely soaked.

HIM:

You should come to my place.

He jokingly said.

ME:

Uhhh…I think you should come to mine.  I’ve already been to your place.

HIM:

My place is better.

ME:

WHY?  What is it about a dude’s place that makes it better?

HIM:

It’s just better.  Guys just like being in their space.  Ha…you gonna come over?

I was giggling now.

ME:

NO!  It’s really late but fucker, you made me totally horny, you bastard.

HIM:

Awww…come on….come over…

It was now almost one in the morning.  I knew that it was very late.  I knew that he was completely teasing me about coming over.  I knew that I wanted to see him again to feel his lips against mine - amongst other things on my body. The cogs in my head suddenly spun in a completely different direction and clicked into a place very uncharacteristic of me.  I have no clue what made me so bold to say I what I said next…

ME:

Okay.  I’ll come over.

HIM:

Wait…WHAT?

ME:

I said yeah.  I’ll come over.  I need your address.

HIM:

Are you being serious?

ME:

Yes.  Don’t you want me to come over?

HIM:

Fuck.  Of course!

ME:

Okay.  I’m going to get ready.  See you soon.

I hung up before I could change my mind.  Then I realized that he never gave me his address, so I text him.  He immediately calls me back instead.

ME:

Hey…I need your address fucker.

HIM:

I’m not sure this is a good idea.

ME:

Why?  Is it because it’s so late?

HIM:

No.  I just don’t want to make it weird between us.  The friendship is important to me.

My shoulders slump in disappointment.

ME:

Okay…if that’s what you want.  I don’t want to make it weird between us either but I’m totally okay with friends with benefits…you know that….but that’s fine…it’s all good.

Damn.  Sigh.

HIM:

It’s not that I don’t want you…it’s just…(long pause)…it’s just that I don’t believe it would be respectful because I think the world of you.

Always a gentleman that fucker.

ME:

I’m 100% okay with the friends with benefits thing, but if it will make our friendship weird then don’t worry about it.  It’s all good…I understand.

HIM:

Umm…I think…hmmm…you know what…FUCK IT.  Just come over.  Even if nothing happens we can just cuddle in bed.

HOLY SHIT. 

ME:

Okay…but it’s alright if you don’t want me to come over. It’s totally fine.  I don’t want it to be weird between us.

HIM:

No…no…just come over.  It’s fine.

ME:

Okay text me your address and I should be at your place in about half an hour.

HIM:

Okay.  See ya soon.

HOLY FUCK!  I’m really gonna do this.  I’m going to his place in the middle of the night.  This is fucking CRAZY!  MENTAL!

Okay.  Breathe.  Deep breaths.  You just jumped off a cliff and are waiting to fly or crash.  Which one is it going to be girl?

WAIT!  FUUUUUCCCKKKK!

When one hasn’t engaged in any intimate physical activity in over 2 years there really isn’t a point in doing any kind of maintenance down the vagina way.  Now, with the possibility of that looming in less than an hour, one is in a desperate scramble to correct that severe oversight.

I quickly make my way to my ensuite and pray to God that I have razors.  Please, please…PLEASE!!!  I check the cupboard under the sink and collapse with tears of joy in my eyes when I see that there are still three brand new razors left.

I have never in my life spread my legs open and mowed the lawn so fast down there.  It was almost like watching a time-lapse video in ultra high speed.  I went through all THREE razors! It was THAT bad.  I pretty much shaved an Ewok off my crotch once I looked at the floor of my tub.

I put on a pair of cute panties, fitted dark jeans and a floral print deep V-neck cap sleeve top with NO bra-so classy I know-and a yellow cardigan.   Spritzed some perfume onto my cleavage, piled my hair into a bun and waited for the cab to arrive.

What I was doing to so incredibly uncharacteristic of me I was trying to reason with myself on the ride over.  I completely ignored all warning signs that what I was doing was a mistake.  That I wasn’t ready for anything close to this nature.  That bad shit is gonna come from it.  He’s practically a complete stranger.  I kicked those thoughts under the proverbial rug.  Just fucking live!   Enjoy the moment of spontaneity.  Just fuck it and hopefully him as well.  HA!

I text Mr. Tuesday to let him know I was on my way.

ME:

I am en route…if you feel weird about me coming over tell me now…I’m a big girl…

HIM:

It’s fine…

Phew. 

HIM:

Close?

ME:

I’m approaching your street…

HIM:

Okay…I’ll warn the neighbourhood

ME:

Hahahahaha!!!

HIM:

Snipers…Where are you?!

ME:

Fuck you!!!

HIM:

Ha!

Count on Mr. Tuesday for being consistently charming.  His comical texts put me somewhat at ease.  It wasn’t until I stepped out of the cab and walked into his building I began to have a SERIOUS anxiety attack.  

As I rode the elevator up to his floor I began to feel extremely light headed and began to dry heave.  Fuck me.  Not now!!!  I hobbled out and leaned my forehead against the cool metal doorframe of the elevator.  I closed my eyes and fought back the need to vomit.  I took four big breaths...in and out...then took four more, wiped the sweat off my brows and upper lip, gulped down the bile, straightened my back and tried to look as composed as I could.  I turned the corner and made my way down the hallway.

Mr. Tuesday opened the door to his place when I was about halfway down the hall.  I felt my chest tighten just a little bit when I saw him.  He looked adorable all barefoot in his grey plaid pajama bottoms and fitted grey T-shirt, eyes bright with an impish smirk on his face. 

HOLY FUCK.   This is really happening.

I giggled out a “Hey…” As he stepped aside and let me in...

Beneficial Understanding

HIM:

You okay? 

ME:

Yes…of course…Why?

HIM:

Just checking up…

Okay so now I was a little more than curious as to why he would want to check-up on me.  I needed to speak with him.

ME:

Can I call you?

HIM:

Call me what?

ME:

Hahahaha…silly boy!

HIM:

Yes…But for just a bit…I’m going to go for a run…unless later…I’m easy…

ME:

Call me after…have a good run you lucky bastard with two legs…FYI…I already know that you’re easy…BAM…fuck you… :)

HIM:

Some say I have three...you go fuck yourself... :)

ME:

Well…We’ll see about that…

HIM:

Ha…Maybe you will…maybe you won’t…

ME:

My mouth is your loss then…okay fuck off and go for your run…call me later

HIM:

Ha…Touché…

Playful Mr. Tuesday got in touch with me.  This was our banter when we spoke on the phone the first time.  This is what enamoured me to him in the first place.  To say I was pleasantly surprised was an understatement.  Butterflies of all kinds were wreaking havoc in my belly and we were only texting. 

Damn him, that fucker.

I immediately text Holly and let her know that Mr. Tuesday got in touch with me.  I forward my text exchange with him to her.

HOLLY:

LMAO.  You two are cute.  I love it!

ME:

Was it too much?

HOLLY:

Nah.  Never too much.  He kept it going too.  You two are funny.  I like the friendship behind the potential for romance and sex.  It’s something more solid then sexting.  LOL!

ME:

Me too!  He’s so fucking charming.

HOLLY:

I like that he’s like…You OK?...I’m just checking.  LOL!  CUTE.

ME:

I’ll let you know how tonight’s conversation goes.  I know that he has a lunch date tomorrow which I am totally not bothered by.

HOLLY:

As you shouldn’t be.  You’re still trolling sites too—but for now Mr. Tuesday is a fun ‘side piece’ until or if it becomes more.  :)  You go girl!!!

Ahhhh…you can always count on your girlfriends to put things into perspective.  I was too embarrassed to admit to Holly that I was doing a happy dance of joy when I got that text back.  It was HELLA flattering for me that he even gave me a second thought at all!

Later that night we spoke briefly before he told me he was headed out for what I assumed was another date.  He assured me that it wasn’t and I assured him that I didn’t care what he did in his own time.  I told him to enjoy himself.  Our conversation lasted 5 minutes. 

A little over 90 minutes later he sent me a text letting me know he had a crappy night.  I asked why and then he called me.  We spoke that night until almost 2am.  Oh man did we ever laugh when were talking.  It made me enamoured to him.   Mr. Tuesday also asked why I never got in touch with him post date.  I told him I never expected him to get back to me considering he was a man-whore an all.  I explained that I wanted nothing serious. Same as him. ‘Just fun.’   In my mind I remembered my girlfriends telling me that good girls don’t chase.  That is the dude’s job.  I was also trying to protect myself from developing any sort of attachment to this man however talking to him was making that EXTREMELY difficult.  Mr. Tuesday was so easy going and we didn’t even have to talk about sex…until later in our conversation.

HIM:

I had a fun with you that night.

ME:

Me too.  I REALLY enjoyed myself.  You’re a very good kisser.  I kinda regret leaving early that night.

HIM:

Yeah.  I thought so too.  The night seemed unfinished…

ME:

Yeah, right?  I wouldn’t have slept with you BUT I’m sure I could have done more…with my mouth. 

BAM!  I opened the door now…

ME:

I went home very ahh…in need of relief.

{Blush.}

HIM:

Oh fuck.  I was so horny after you left.  I jerked off thinking about you.

Thus began our talk about all things that we prefer during sex.  I told him I prefer ‘giving’ then ‘receiving’.  He explained that one of his favourite things is to go down on a woman.  I know ladies that you think I’m mental because who doesn’t love a good burger munch but I honestly don’t get that much satisfaction from it.  I think that things changed when I had my clitoral piercing years ago—YUP - I did get my lady bits pierced and now only ‘I’ can take cake of business down in that nether region proper.   He suggested that I should let him try one day and to give him ‘the tap’ should I want him to stop.  I laughed my ass off at that.

Damn that Mr. Tuesday for being so bloody funny and charming.  Fucker.

We established that we should try “friends with benefits”. This was all new to me so why the fuck not?  I agreed.  I’m sure I would learn a thing or two from him, which I could possibly carry on to my next encounter.  I remember Holly telling me that I need at least three dicks in me then I could get serious.  I countered with five.  I know…very overly ambitious of me but a girl’s gotta dream, right?

I have no clue how the whole “friends with benefits” thing actually works but I was enjoying my time chirping with Mr. Tuesday.  I would let him take the lead on that.  I think that he is too charming NOT to have as a new friend, even if the sex never happens.  Everyone in my life who ever made me belly laugh is keepers in my books.  He should stick around regardless, even if only to hear about his ‘sexcapades’.

Like I mentioned earlier, we spoke until almost 2am and my panties were soaking wet by the time I hung up the phone.  I ended up having to take a L-O-N-G shower again post phone call.  God, I love my detachable shower head!!!!!

Mr. Tuesday and I texted on and off for another week.  Nothing overly flirtatious.  Just basic stuff;  “How’s it going?  How was your day?”  Then one night, nine days after our first date he called me just after 11:30pm…