Enter the Dragon

*Please note that I have used pseudonyms for all the sites mentioned here.

This online dating world scares the crap out of me. 

All the available sites to choose from feels so daunting.  I was going to go with that Fishing site but it looked too skuzzy.  Kindling, looked even more skuzzier.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’m totally DTF but not in the spontaneous fashion as the young folk do it or the mega desperate.  However to be honest I’m leaning towards the latter considering that I haven’t been laid in years. 

I blame that constant yearn to my late night porn watching and Christian Grey.   He really did put a voodoo on my literary choices as of late.  I’m gonna have to go on a British reading bender once my sexual needs have been satisfied.

Back to this online dating thing…I tried for eComaptability but those bastards said I didn’t qualify because I am separated NOT divorced OR single, so I just signed up again using a different email address.   Hey!  It’s not as if I’m the only one who’s done this.  I also signed up with Similar.   Both legitimate sites I deduced based on the high production quality of their commercials on major TV networks.  It felt less desperate-housewife and more single-ready-to-mingle and with the possibility of sex after the appropriate timely courting.

I went through the motions of filling in my description based on the pre-selected options available.  Asian, curvy/a few extra pounds, 5’ 3”, non smoker, occasional drinker, spiritual but not religious, black hair, brown eyes, has kids, no pets and self-employed/baker/photographer.  I felt like I was applying for a beauty pageant.  A pageant for the lonely-hearts club where the winner gets the possibility of A) soul-mate for life, B) Friend-zone frenzy, C) heebie-jeebies or finally D) Oral orgy and more.  I’m looking for option D, however I have a feeling that option C will be more of my reality. 

After you enter all your basic stats you need to have a tag line; a statement to grab someone’s attention.  I can cut some serious wit and humor on my Facebook page because everyone I know on there knows me and well.  Not in the biblical sense but enough to know that I’m a complete open book and that I pretty much have no filter and that my love of British male model David Gandy is borderline fanatical, but we’ll save that for another time. 

I think that I’m confident conversing à la social media, but all that changes when you first meet me.  The real me is nothing like the social media me.  I’m incredibly shy, especially when in new environments/scenarios and VERY self-conscious. 

My physical disability is always the elephant in the room. 

How do I get someone to like me when I don’t even like myself? Especially now?  

Sash, a friend whom I’ve known for the last 15 years and is THE veteran when it comes to online dating, stepped in and helped me write my profile.   She kissed her fair share of frogs before finding her prince - surprise, surprise - via an online dating site.  Sash suggested that I disclose my disability right away.  I totally agreed with her.  She said it would weed out the pussies that didn’t have the balls to date a woman with my credentials. 

Hahahaha!  Credentials.  Girlfriends are ALWAYS good for an ego boost.  God I love this woman!  She told me that I have to keep the profile light and funny and just kiss the surface of what turns me on.  Below is my actual profile:

Photographer, baker and champion 3-legged racer.

I am a very able disabled person. Lost my right leg above the knee to cancer 7 years ago. If you can get over the first two statements then I already think you are awesome. :) 

I'm a former professional photographer who did commercial work and weddings. Post cancer I dabbled in a bit of baking which eventually became my main passion. There's something so gratifying about having someone taste what I've made that makes them roll their eyes and go weak in the knees with satisfaction. I'm a hardcore foodie. I've been known to wait in line for 3 hours in below zero temps just for a hot dog. (FYI--It was in Chicago...Hot Doug's for a foie gras hot dog with duck fat fries. So killer!) Cookbooks are my vice. My collection of them is vast and varied and I can throw a mean dinner party. I consider myself shy when meeting new people but I promise I'm anything but that once you get to know me. I'm looking for someone who doesn't mind changing things up last minute. I like going to museums, galleries and cultural landmarks but more so for their architecture then their art. I don't mind long drives to nowhere because that means there is conversation and music. I will admit that I like crappy pop tunes but big band and jazz have a soft spot in my heart. I'm a closet geek. So that superhero movie you're dying to see or that over complicated board game you need an extra player for, I'm so down for that. Staying in or going out as long as we're laughing it's perfect. 

They also ask what book you last read…

My reading profile is diverse but I shamefully admit I'm currently reading one of "those" books that have spawned post Fifty Shades of Grey. I know I'll have to read Aesop's Fables or the bio of Hillary Clinton to redeem myself.

So that’s it.   Me in 600+ words.  Words that are meant to ensnare men.  To enrapture them enough to make contact. 

Now this means shit if you don’t provide at least ONE photo of yourself.  One hot-ass photo at that.  Fuck. Do I even have a half decent photo of myself that doesn’t make me look like I don’t speak English, have a double chin, show my muffin top or that is actually HOT?  Hmmmm…I search my Facebook page for photos of just me with the most likes and kindly comments from my amazeball friends. 

I find one pic where I think I look cute.  My make-up and hair is on point and I’m smiling.  It’s from a night I was heading out to a girlfriend’s 40^th birthday party.  I think dudes like girls who smile, especially in their pics.   I make that my profile photo.  I also chose a full-body pic.  To not disclose what I look like, as a cripple would be kinda shitty, no? 

I find the pic where I have the smallest muffin top but is still fairly recent.  You see my crutches and I’m wearing a cowl neck green jersey ¾ sleeve top with a beautiful red, hand knitted infinity scarf made by TARO. I have tight jeans on.  The right side where my stump is, (yes, that is an actual medical term for the leftover bit of my leg) I have knotted up the denim so that I don’t trip. I have never bothered to cut any of my jeans or pants, as I have a crazy-ass dream that I’ll eventually get the leg I need and walk again. But we’ll save that bit for another time.

I look kinda meh, but it’s the best and most recent pic of me standing.  I’m going to run with those two photos first and see if they are man-catchy enough.

I let Sash review everything and it’s a thumbs up for her.  Let the Hunger Games begin…