I have now checked my stupid profile hourly. Feeling shittier as time passes when I
get no response. Granted I did
answer the emails at just after 6am.
People go to work on weekdays still, right?
I try to keep busy.
Checking my Instagram and Facebook play Candy Crush and Candy Mania, which
is a far superior game in my opinion then its predecessor by the way. I answer emails regarding cake orders, vacuum the entire
second floor of my home and begin prep for what will be the most brutal of
baking weeks for me. It’s now only
9:04am.
I now second guess my response to these dudes and want to
smack my head repeatedly against the wall. Maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned I was a mom of three or
that I love food way too much?
Shit. Maybe the details of
my cancer wasn’t the most appropriate thing to mention right off the bat? I suck. I’m going to have a full time relationship with my
detachable shower head and alternate my imaginary escapes between my collection
of smut books and Harry Potter fan fiction.
I purposely never added the dating site apps to my phone or
iPod. If I am this manic now about
checking for responses can you imagine if I had it on my mobile devices? Disaster. I decide that I better get myself deep into my baking. Get into the zone and blast some Justin
Bieber (Yes. I listen to the
Biebs. He’s a punk-ass douche but
I like his tunes and if I were 16 years old again I’d have highly inappropriate
dreams about him) and try not to obsess.
It’s 2:17pm. I
have time to kill between my cakes baking in the oven so with baited breath I
check my profile…
DING!
DING! DING! DING! DING!
Two new replies.
I exhale and open the emails…
The first is from the older gentleman aka ‘OG’. He thanks me for the email, tells me
that he is happy that I have kids as he has a son the same age as my
youngest. He also says that my
disability does not bother him and says, “You are curvy and have a Mona Lisa
smile. I think you’re
gorgeous.” I want to tell you that
the best part of that sentence was that he properly contracted ‘you are’ as
‘you’re’ NOT ‘your’. Then I
thought, me and gorgeous in the same sentence? OG is really working it for a piece of ass!
Rico Suave dude replies back telling me that we will be
trouble together since we are both foodies. Then asks if I like wine. Then BAM. His
phone number. Then suggests we go
on a culinary adventure together.
This guy didn’t waste anytime.
Flirty. I liked
it.
I replied to OG and told him he made me blush when he said I
was gorgeous and that it was nice he had a son the same age as my
youngest. He mentioned in his
email that he was going to Nova Scotia.
I told him I loved it there and asked whereabouts he was staying and to
have a lobster for me.
The true nature of my naivety totally showed itself when I
replied back to Rico Suave. I told
him I know nothing about wine, just that I like it sweet and that ice wine
makes me weak in the knees. Oh
fuck. Did this guy run with
that! I seriously did not think
that statement had any innuendo to it.
In hindsight, it totally was.
I am on a dating site after all.
Amateur move girl. Amateur move.
Those who know me personally know that I have an above
average knowledge of food. I don’t
eat to live. I live to eat! I
wanted to test this dude’s foodie knowledge so I asked him a bunch of food and
restaurant related shit to see if Rico Suave was still worth my time.
I send off my responses and make a point not to check the
site because I just antagonize myself and I have a shit-ton of baking to
do. It’s not until after 10pm that
I check again.
DING!
DING! DING! DING! DING!
I was totally taken aback by what I got from OG.
Him:
I don't mean to embarrass you or me for that matter. It's probably not appropriate to talk about this sort of thing, but, This is a dating site.... so there's going to be a little bit? Of flirting right? flirting is kind of expected is it not? Smiles
I can tell you this, I am a normal healthy man, especially when it comes to sex and if you are a normal healthy woman and you and I are together, In a committed monogamous relationship, we are going to have a lot of sex! (Well, as much as a couple could knowing there are 3 or 4 children around!) I truly believe you are a gorgeous woman. What can I say.
Okay, I guess that's enough flirting!
Uhhh….Just a bit fucking BOLD, no? I got the pure heebie-jeebies after reading that and the nice gentlemanly image of this dude I had in my mind went to shit. It was a complete Ewwwww....gross forever moment. I immediately shut that shit down like Kanye West did to Taylor Swift at the MTV Video Awards.
I can tell you this, I am a normal healthy man, especially when it comes to sex and if you are a normal healthy woman and you and I are together, In a committed monogamous relationship, we are going to have a lot of sex! (Well, as much as a couple could knowing there are 3 or 4 children around!) I truly believe you are a gorgeous woman. What can I say.
Okay, I guess that's enough flirting!
Uhhh….Just a bit fucking BOLD, no? I got the pure heebie-jeebies after reading that and the nice gentlemanly image of this dude I had in my mind went to shit. It was a complete Ewwwww....gross forever moment. I immediately shut that shit down like Kanye West did to Taylor Swift at the MTV Video Awards.
Rico Suave’s wasn’t much better:
REALLY?! Isn’t texting a form of writing? Shitty phonetic writing but still writing. I rolled my eyes but he wasn’t as totally creepy as OG. I offered him my Blackberry PIN that way he would not be able to have access to my actual cell number until I find everything to be kosher.
Safety first and so begins my “textual” relationship with
Rico Suave because I got a BBM from him five seconds after I offered my PIN.
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