Baptism By Fire Part Three

I got super nervous again all of a sudden but not for the reason that one would think.  I was nervous about Rico Suave watching me hobble out of the restaurant.  There is ZERO attraction to this dude but the fact that he has to see me and my disability in action bothered the hell out of me.  It made me feel I was not enough, even for someone like him.

He didn’t even open the fucking doors for me himself.  He used the handicapped buttons on the doors and ONLY because I approached the doors first, well before he did.  One of them didn’t even work so I had to open the door MYSELF!

As I followed him to his car, he made a comment about the fact I wouldn’t be able to stop him from touching me if he wanted to because I was busy using my crutches.   He then proceeded to grab my ass.  I knew right then I was totally fucked once I got into his car.  I wasn’t scared more then I was annoyed.  I knew he was planning on fully unleashing his Rico Suave moves on me.  I knew I could beat the shit out of him with my crutches! 

I roll dough by hand for a living, so my pipes were bigger then his.  Fear of something really bad happening to me wasn’t an issue.  This bitch can take care of herself.

Shockingly he opened the car door for me and I immediately grabbed my phone as a precautionary measure.  He grabs my left hand in his as we drive off.  I try to wiggle my hand free and I look at him and say, “How do you think the night is going to end?”  He finally lets go and says, “I don’t know but I had a really good time with you tonight.  How do you think it’s gonna end?”  I let him know that it was very nice to meet him (LIE) and that he gets a handshake from me, that’s how the night is going to end.

Rico Suave looks at me with shock and disappointment.  I also tell him that there is no way in hell he is coming inside my house.  One would think that was a telltale sign that the date was a dud.  Nope.  Dude had the balls to actually park the car on my driveway.  My seatbelt was already off and I had already opened the car door dying to make my escape. 

I thank him again for a ‘nice’ evening and offer a handshake.  He takes my hand and pulls me in for a hug and then BAM!  Rico Suave shoves his tongue into my mouth!!

He wasn’t a horrible kisser but I was practically barrel-rolling out of the car to get away from him.  One would think it would be best not to put the ‘moves’ on.  I made the mistake of placing my hand on his shoulder to push him away and bite his lower lip to get him to extract his tongue from my mouth. 

My complete inexperience in the art of saying ‘good-bye’ showed, because when I pulled away and attempted to say, “I have to g….” Yes.  That’s right Rico Suave only pulled me back into him and intensified his kiss.  I didn’t even have the chance to say the word ‘go’ for fuck’s sake!!  I shoved him off me and got the hell out of the car, slammed the door and got the inside my house as quickly as I could.

I then immediately called my friend Carrie and told her I was coming over.  She asked if I was okay.  I said ‘yes’ and hopped on my scooter and booted it to her house.  As I was making my way to Carrie’s I get a text from Rico Suave.

Him: 

Did you panic when I kissed you?

Me: 

No.  Why?

Him: 

You just left really quickly.  I think you’re hot BTW.  We have chemistry.  I’m still close by.  Do you want me to come back?

Seriously.  The motherfucking balls on this guy!!! 

Me:

No.  Go home.

I wanted to add “You fucking pervy cheap bastard!” to the end of the text but Rico Suave wasn’t worth anymore of my time.

I got to Carrie’s place and she immediately got me a Mango-rita and asked me again if I was okay.  I reassured her that I was then gave her the play by play of the evening.  She was horrified that I paid for dinner.  She then asked me if I regretted going.

“As bleak as the date itself was, I know that I am capable of engaging in conversation and I wasn’t a complete idiot.  I also got kissed for the third time in my entire life.  It may have been unwelcome and the LEAST romantic, but someone kissed me.”

“Nice!” Carrie says happily.  “Now you won’t be so nervous the next time.”

Lucky for me Sharknado 2 was making it’s premiere that night and I stayed over to see what all the hype was about.  I laughed my ass off with her family before I headed home for the evening.

When I walked through my door after getting home from Carrie’s place, I cried.  I crumpled onto the floor and sobbed in the foyer of my new place.  Alone.  I hated online dating.  I hated that you are judged on the way you look.  My whole life my look wasn’t good enough.  I was the fat funny girl.  Fun to hang out with but not to kiss goodnight.   No boy liked me in high school.  I never posed for my high school grad photos or went to prom for fuck’s sake because I didn’t feel pretty enough compared to everyone else.  College was the same.  I was actually surprised I managed to get married, but that ship has sailed.  To start from scratch at forty and be disabled amplifies every last insecurity I have about myself.  In the world of online dating looks aren’t everything.  It’s the ONLY thing and I certainly don’t have that.  

I fell asleep that night in the hallway like a dog, my pretty white dress and make-up ruined and I had thrown my crutches out on the porch with disgust.

Baptism By Fire Part Two

Holy fuck.  Holy fuck.  Holy fuck.  I’m not ready for this.

He’s smaller then I thought.  He’s got a bit of a Beetlejuice head.  Little.

Shit. Shit.  Shit.  He noticed me.  He’s walking towards me.

Smile.  Smile girl.  SMILE AND BREATHE.

I shake his hand.  He has really little hands.  Why isn’t he letting go of my hand?  Why is he grabbing my other hand as he sits down?  Say something.  Stop smiling.  SAY FUCKING SOMETHING!!!!

“Hi.  You smell nice and I like your shirt.” 

I read somewhere one should always offer a compliment when first meeting someone.  I just don’t understand why he’s NOT letting go of my hands.  I reach for what’s left of my red wine sangria and he finally lets go of my hands I take a sip that pretty much empties my glass. 

Rico Suave didn’t even acknowledge my compliment.  He stared at me then looked under the table super quick to see the rest of my outfit before opening his mouth to speak.

“So what do you want to know?”

Kill me.  Seriously.  He looks under the table and that’s the first thing he says to me?  WTF???

I quietly sigh.  Rico Suave is a creep.  However because I am too fucking nice and felt bad that he drove so far to meet me I decide that I will give him the benefit of the doubt and hope his demeanour improves once we talk face-to-face a little more.  I’m still nervous but I think, ‘new experience…I’m learning on the fly…I can do this’. 

I ask him how his drive across town was and ask how his evening was the night before.  He answers then after we order a bunch of appetizers he says to me, “You look really pretty.”  I don’t take the compliment in high regard considering that he didn’t say it to me right away.  I smile the fakest smile I could muster and call the server over and order another drink.  In hindsight I should have initiated my back-up plan at this point but the kind bitch that I am says give it a little more time.

I order another red wine sangria.  The server smiles a knowing smile at me.

“So what else?” Rico Suave says.  He has yet to ask anything about me. 

Granted looks aren’t everything.  I of all people should know that, but because he is lacking in general social skills I hate his face. 

Our appetizers arrive.  I close my eyes so it looks like the grilled calamari I’m eating is the best shit ever but really I’m trying to regain my composure. (The calamari is rubbery as fuck BTW) I ask him to tell me more about his trip to New York then FINALLY the guy starts to talk and ask me questions!  We start to debate food joints and I deduce he’s not the foodie he claimed to be.  Please fucker, if you can’t name three James Beard award-winning Chefs, restaurants or at least two Thomas Keller joints and how he’s the American Culinary Godfather then you are full of shit.  He then he goes on to tell me that he’s a label whore.  He loves Armani, Gucci, Tom Ford and Burberry then points out that his shirt is from Burberry and the cologne he’s wearing is Tom Ford.   

If dude is thinking that I’m supposed to be impressed by this he’s got to be kidding me.   Wear something by Ferragamo, Dolce & Gabanna, Zegna, Massimo Dutti or Hermes and maybe then I may change my mind.

Rico Suave suddenly gets up and crosses the table and practically sits up on my lap, wraps his arms around me and demands that I smell his neck.  I reluctantly do as I’m told and push him away and tell him to go back to sitting across from me.  I now REALLY want to get shitfaced but then I remember I act kinda slutty when I’m drunk.  DEFINITELY want to avoid that with Rico Suave.

“You smell really good…so you wearing a thong?”

I laugh but inside I’m cringing and thinking what the fuck have I gotten myself into.  At that point I stuff as much polenta fries into my mouth so I look like a chipmunk to avoid answering his oh so classy question.  I’m thinking it’s gotta be late now. I’ve given him at least 3 hours of my time for sure.  Rico Suave asks if I want anything else before asking for the bill.  I shake my head, mouth still full. 

I check my phone.  It’s ONLY 8:37pm!  He met me just before 7:30pm!!!

The bill arrives and he takes it initially.  I was told that the lady should make the gesture to ‘offer’ to pay, but a real gentleman ALWAYS takes care of the bill.  I offer and to pay and guess what?  THE MOTHERFUCKER TAKES ME UP ON MY OFFER!!!!  I fucking pay the $97.89 for the sub-par meal and drinks. 

I am never getting the sixty or so minutes of my life back. I learned nothing new about him and douche didn’t fucking even care to really know anything about me.  And he made me pay the bill?!! Thank God he suggests that we call it a night. 

“Perfect!”  I say a little too quickly and with great enthusiasm.

Rico Suave offers to take me home.  I don’t want to bother Carrie since she did me a solid earlier today so I reluctantly accept his offer to take me home.

OMG!  I should have known better….

First Contact

I have now checked my stupid profile hourly.  Feeling shittier as time passes when I get no response.  Granted I did answer the emails at just after 6am.  People go to work on weekdays still, right?

I try to keep busy.  Checking my Instagram and Facebook play Candy Crush and Candy Mania, which is a far superior game in my opinion then its predecessor by the way.   I answer emails regarding cake orders, vacuum the entire second floor of my home and begin prep for what will be the most brutal of baking weeks for me.  It’s now only 9:04am. 

I now second guess my response to these dudes and want to smack my head repeatedly against the wall.  Maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned I was a mom of three or that I love food way too much?  Shit.  Maybe the details of my cancer wasn’t the most appropriate thing to mention right off the bat?  I suck.  I’m going to have a full time relationship with my detachable shower head and alternate my imaginary escapes between my collection of smut books and Harry Potter fan fiction.

I purposely never added the dating site apps to my phone or iPod.  If I am this manic now about checking for responses can you imagine if I had it on my mobile devices?  Disaster.  I decide that I better get myself deep into my baking.  Get into the zone and blast some Justin Bieber (Yes.  I listen to the Biebs.  He’s a punk-ass douche but I like his tunes and if I were 16 years old again I’d have highly inappropriate dreams about him) and try not to obsess.

It’s 2:17pm.  I have time to kill between my cakes baking in the oven so with baited breath I check my profile…

DING!  DING!  DING!  DING! DING!

Two new replies.  I exhale and open the emails…

The first is from the older gentleman aka ‘OG’.  He thanks me for the email, tells me that he is happy that I have kids as he has a son the same age as my youngest.  He also says that my disability does not bother him and says, “You are curvy and have a Mona Lisa smile.  I think you’re gorgeous.”  I want to tell you that the best part of that sentence was that he properly contracted ‘you are’ as ‘you’re’ NOT ‘your’.  Then I thought, me and gorgeous in the same sentence?  OG is really working it for a piece of ass! 

Rico Suave dude replies back telling me that we will be trouble together since we are both foodies.  Then asks if I like wine.  Then BAM.  His phone number.  Then suggests we go on a culinary adventure together.  This guy didn’t waste anytime.

Flirty.  I liked it.

I replied to OG and told him he made me blush when he said I was gorgeous and that it was nice he had a son the same age as my youngest.  He mentioned in his email that he was going to Nova Scotia.  I told him I loved it there and asked whereabouts he was staying and to have a lobster for me. 

The true nature of my naivety totally showed itself when I replied back to Rico Suave.  I told him I know nothing about wine, just that I like it sweet and that ice wine makes me weak in the knees.  Oh fuck.  Did this guy run with that!  I seriously did not think that statement had any innuendo to it.  In hindsight, it totally was.  I am on a dating site after all.   Amateur move girl.  Amateur move.

Those who know me personally know that I have an above average knowledge of food.  I don’t eat to live.  I live to eat! I wanted to test this dude’s foodie knowledge so I asked him a bunch of food and restaurant related shit to see if Rico Suave was still worth my time.

I send off my responses and make a point not to check the site because I just antagonize myself and I have a shit-ton of baking to do.  It’s not until after 10pm that I check again.

DING!  DING!  DING!  DING!  DING!

I was totally taken aback by what I got from OG. 

Him:

I don't mean to embarrass you or me for that matter. It's probably not appropriate to talk about this sort of thing, but, This is a dating site.... so there's going to be a little bit? Of flirting right? flirting is kind of expected is it not? Smiles

I can tell you this, I am a normal healthy man, especially when it comes to sex and if you are a normal healthy woman and you and I are together, In a committed monogamous relationship, we are going to have a lot of sex! (Well, as much as a couple could knowing there are 3 or 4 children around!) I truly believe you are a gorgeous woman. What can I say.

Okay, I guess that's enough flirting!

Uhhh….Just a bit fucking BOLD, no?  I got the pure heebie-jeebies after reading that and the nice gentlemanly image of this dude I had in my mind went to shit.   It was a complete Ewwwww....gross forever moment.  I immediately shut that shit down like Kanye West did to Taylor Swift at the MTV Video Awards.

Rico Suave’s wasn’t much better:

How bout you give me a text anytime and i'll be more then happy to share all with you....i just find it easier since im not the greatest of writers:P

REALLY?!  Isn’t texting a form of writing?  Shitty phonetic writing but still writing.  I rolled my eyes but he wasn’t as totally creepy as OG.  I offered him my Blackberry PIN that way he would not be able to have access to my actual cell number until I find everything to be kosher. 

Safety first and so begins my “textual” relationship with Rico Suave because I got a BBM from him five seconds after I offered my PIN.