Textual Relations

Rico Suave:

“FINALLY… hello hello”

Me:

“Hi.”

Rico Suave:

“What are you up to?”

Me:

“Not much of a texter so forgive me if I don’t get back to you right away.  I also have a very busy baking week ahead of me.”

I know.  I’m all business in my reply.  Like I said before, totally awkward in situations like this and it’s ONLY texting.

Rico Suave:

“What are you making?”

Me:

“Cakes and cupcakes.  I’ll be covered in icing and sugar by the time this week is over.”

Texts can be interpreted in many ways and again my complete lack of experience in the art of texting had me walk right into the innuendo that came next.

Rico Suave:

“Hmmm…covered in icing and sugar…I’d like to see that.  I bet you would taste delicious.”

To say I more then blushed was an understatement.  I was totally embarrassed yet slightly intrigued at the same time.  I decided to be flirty back.  Why the hell not.  It’s not like I’m going to see him in person anytime soon.  Be bold I said to myself.

Me:

“Hahaha!  That’s for me to know and if you play your cards right…”

We texted daily over the next five days.  They were fun and flirty and I was enjoying myself and then he suggested that we meet.  I told him that there was no way in hell that we would meet until we had a ‘phone date.’  I said it was important for me to hear the sound of his voice.  The phone also allows you have a conversation in real time, no delay, no hiding behind a text that can be interpreted in so many ways.   It was also a delay tactic since I am scared shitless to actually go on a date with a boy.

I decided that I would let him call me.  Midnight.  Friday. 

12:01am he calls.  I’m having small heart palpitations just before I answer my cell phone.

 

“Hello.  How are you?”

I try to sound mysterious but I’m giggling like a school girl.  Giggling is my coping mechanism when I’m nervous. 

Rico Suave sounds like The Fonz but not as smooth. 

“I’m good.  So what do you want to know?  I like your voice.”

That was his opener to me.  I could see conversation would be a challenging task.  I ask him to tell me more about himself.  What he does for a living.  Siblings.  How his day was.  He answers them kind of matter-a-factly and then again with, “What else do you want to know about me?”  Then waits for more questions from me.  SERIOUSLY!?

I ask him about the restaurant he went to for dinner prior to calling me and that seemed to totally break the ice with him.  Maybe Rico Suave was just at nervous as I was talking to him?  Once we got into the topic of anything food our conversation flowed easily and he asked the typical ‘getting to know you’ questions of me.

About an hour into our phone date the topic of sex came up.  My friends KNOW this is a topic I have no problem discussing.  Aside from food it’s the next best thing I love to talk, dream, read, write and watch!!!  It got raunchy pretty fast but that was all him.  He’s technically still a stranger and I of course am still a lady and only answered with a yes, no or maybe.  I NEVER elaborated.  Must leave some stuff for the imagination!!!  His sex shit talk wasn’t anything new to me.  Please.

It was approaching 2am.  I was amused by our phone date and was VERY cautiously optimistic.  I gave him a pass on his foodie knowledge but just barely.  I told Rico Suave I needed to go, and bid him a breathy goodnight.

One minute later the fucker texts me to say that he can’t sleep and has the audacity to challenge me to a “sexting” contest.  The balls on this dude!  I however accepted the challenge against my better judgement and explained it was a ONE-TIME thing.  Rico Suave had no idea that I write erotic poetry for friends and smutletts for fun.  BRING IT ON!  There is no way he could EVER be better than me at this.  

I won.

He asked me out on a date 24 hours later.