Pon Da Replay

The very first thing I did when I closed the door was totally take a post-sex selfie and posted that shit-eating grin on my Facebook page with the caption, “Good motherfucking morning world!”

I now had to give my favourite bitches the play-by-play of the night because of course, that’s what girls do and I was DYING to just physically talk with someone about my indiscretion. 

Below are my actual text exchanges between my girlfriends over a two-hour time frame from when Mr. Tuesday dropped me off at home:

ME:

Mr. Tuesday is driving me home from his place…

JENN:

Shut up!!!!!  Did you guys do it!!!!!  Stop holding out on me!!!!!!!  Tell me!!!!!

ME:

Are you up?

JENN:

You ass!  I know you want to tell me!  Call me quick!!!!!!

LEILANI:

What!!!  Good for you!!!  Need the deets!!!  Who?  What?  When?  Where?

ME:

Call me….

PIPER:

WHAT?????  With who????  Mr. Tuesday???

ME:

Yes.
PIPER:

LOL!! Amazing!  Good for you girl!

MIRANDA:

I assume you saw Mr. Tuesday?

ME:

I went to his place at 1:30 in the morning.  He called to chirp and he dared me to come over…so I did.  Serviced TWICE!

MIRANDA:

Omg, u had better have a nap

ME:

I need to brush my teeth first then I’ll sleep.   He did after all impregnate my mouth.  Hahaha!!

MIRANDA:

Sweet dreams girlfriend!!

  

SASH:

HAHA!  Love it….Mr. Tuesday?

ME:

Yup.

CARRIE:

WHAT?

ME:

TWICE in one night!

CARRIE:

Nice….was it good sex?  Did he have a nice dick?

ME:

I didn’t enjoy it as much as I thought I would.  I had an anxiety attack in the middle of him fucking me the first time because I had body image issues with myself.  He does have a nice dick.  He manscapes.  I let him impregnate my mouth!

CARRIE:

Well if you were so nervous and have been pleasuring yourself for a while then it may take some time.

I love that my girlfriends never once made me feel slutty for the out-of-the-blue crazy shit I just pulled.  Virtual pats on the back was what I got and I was so thoroughly amused by that.

The very last person I got in touch with was Holly.  She by far was THE most excited about my encounter and made me belly laugh like no one’s business via text.

ME: 

My vagina was serviced last night… TWICE!!!

HOLLY:

Shut the fuck up!!!!  Shut the fuck up!!!!  BY WHO????!!!!!!  OMGEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

ME:

Mr. Tuesday

HOLLY:

Way to go Girlfriend!!!  How was it??  Was it amazing??  Do you feel awesome??  Tell me, tell me!!

ME:

I had an anxiety attack for the first time we went for it.  Body hang-ups and shit.  By the time we did it the second time it was better but I didn’t enjoy as much as I should.  He fucked my mouth good ‘tho.

HOLLY:

Wait a second.  Any 40+ year old man who can service a vajayjay more than once in a night is a fuckin’ hero.  Just saying.  Ahhhhh… I kinda love that you had this wild wild sexcapade.

ME:

Me too

HOLLY:

Free your mind girl… let the jizz clear your soul!!  So, so, are we friends with Mr. Tuesday, or just fucking Mr. Tuesday, or seeing where it goes.  Damn Gurl – I’m fuckin’ excited you got LAID!!!  We should celebrate!!!

ME:

It was a total booty call night.  I went to his place at 1:30 in the morning!!!  He dared me to come over.  He didn’t think I would actually show up.

HOLLY:

Haha!!  Good for you Girl.  You know what you want.  You go for it!!

ME:

I think we’re gonna end up with a friend with benefits situation.  I’m not putting my eggs in one basket.

HOLLY:

That’s good too tho…

ME:

And neither is he

HOLLY:

You need it.  Sex is an amazing euphoric release that you need girl.  And it gets all the jitters out and works out the kinks!!  Ain’t nothing wrong with FWB.

ME:

I know, I just gotta get over my body image hang-ups.

HOLLY:

Just don’t get emotionally attached and you are GOOD!!  This should help.

  

ME:

Call me later tonight and I can totally spill the deets properly!!!  So so dying to tell you!!

  

HOLLY:

Making a man feel good.  Or letting a man love your body (and do it good) is what you need!!  I will, I will.  I fuckin’ love you.  Way to GO !!  You get on wit your bad ass self!!  Boot-TAY Licious!!

ME:

Fucking Love Love Love YOU!!

HOLLY:

100 million times ditto

I then send her a shameless selfie with the caption, “Me, waiting in his car as he gets Starbucks for the drive home”

HOLLY:

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!  That looks like an amazing after sex up all night selfie.  Damn Gurl – You Fine!!!  It’s your ‘Sorta been Fucked’ photo!

ME:

OMG YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!

HOLLY:

Loves It

ME:

I fucking reek of cologne and sex.  SO AWESOME!  Holy Fuck!  I just looked in the mirror and I have scratch marks running the length of my back!!

HOLLY:

Damn Gurl – He rough!!! (And you were obvi that good!!!  Made him pounce!!!  Rawwrrrrr!!!)  Damn!!  I think you should name him Tony the Tiger!  LOL

No joke, after speaking with my friends I totally felt like a damn rock star.  I also felt confident that I could swing the whole FWB thing.  That I can separate mind from body.  I like fucking…well actually I like everything that leads up to fucking…the actual intercourse is always just meh for me. 

However I remembered what Carrie told me, that it’s been so long since someone else pleasured me that it would take some time for me to fully enjoy sex.  I also needed to work on my body image issues.  That shit haunts me on the regular.  Either way I fucked a dude on my own terms and was COMPLETELY fine with it. 

I just wondered what Mr. Tuesday thought our late night tryst.  I’d NEVER contact him of course to find out.  I just hoped that IF we ever met up again he would tell me if I was decent or not.  I know for dudes, that sex - even if it’s bad- is still good sex.  I was just happy that he was a total gentleman from beginning to end, so no harm no foul should he not contact me again.

Total bounce in my hobble the ENTIRE day, that is until I called an old friend to relay my news….

Chirp Session

Not sure what possessed me to be so bold and just immediately call without any hesitation or pretense.  Maybe it was all the foolish adrenaline I was feeding off of post visit with Leilani and Piper.

Ring.  Ring.

Him:

Hello?

He has a nice voice.  A perfect baritone.  Eeek…butterflies!

Me:

Hi.  How are you?

He giggles.

Him:

Wow.  Wasn’t expecting you to call so soon.

Oh shit.

Me:

You gave me your number.

Him:

Hahaha…It’s fine.  I just thought you would give me a text first.

Oops. 

Me:

Oh.  Well kinda late for that now isn’t it?

So began our telephone date.  He was a well-educated professional with a successful career.  I think he was a little tipsy when we were talking and thusly just a little manic BUT that didn’t bother me.  He was funny as hell.  We had a really good playful banter going.  He asked me about my current love life.  I told him I’m not looking for anything serious.  I just want to date and have some fun.  He asked what my marital situation was.  I said separated.

He told me that he doesn’t date women who are separated but that, “There’s something about you that makes me want to know more.” We talked and laughed and then a little over an hour later he said he had to go.  He suggested that we should meet one day.  I told him to let me know and then we called our phone date a night.  I immediately called Leilani and gave her the 411.  We spoke for about 15 minutes when I noticed that he was trying to call me on the other line.  I politely told Leilani to fuck off so I could take the call.  She laughed and wished me luck. 

When I answered, it was quarter to midnight.  He told me that it didn’t feel right that we stopped talking so soon.  HOLY FUCK!  Blush city!!!  We discussed my amputation and he told me that he didn’t care about it.  That I was still “beautiful” in my photos. Swoon.  He then got a little serious and said what he was about to tell me may change my opinion about him and that I may not want to continue but he wanted to be clear and truthful with me. 

He proceeded to tell me that he was a ‘man-whore’.  That was it?  The revelation wasn’t shocking BUT it was in the realm of what was acceptable to me.  Who am I to judge?  To be honest, I was a little jealous.  I wish I was experienced.  Seems a shame that I so badly want to sow my wild oats now when everything is sagging and that I have an appendage missing.

Not once during our phone conversation was there any talk of anything overtly sexual.  We just laughed at his bad jokes and talked about our mutual interests in art and culture.  We spoke until 1:15am!  I was the one who had to go this time.  I wanted to take a shower before bed.  Again before we let each other go he suggested that we meet.  I again told him to let me know when works best for him and to call or text me.

 When I got out of the shower, I noticed there was a text message on my phone.  IT WAS FROM HIM!!!  He still wanted to talk with me!!!  I let him call me back and we finally pinned down a date and time to meet.  We would meet later today—since it was technically already early Tuesday.  He offered to call in and spend the day with me should I desire but I would have to meet up at 10:30am…AT HIS PLACE! 

Yeah right!!  After the fiasco that was with Rico Suave there was no fucking way I was putting myself in a situation where I didn’t have much control.  I told him his gesture was very charming but I already had daytime plans.  I suggested that we meet for coffee.  I’m NEVER doing dinner again after what happened on Saturday.  He agreed and we planned to meet at the Starbucks in his neighbourhood.  By the time we settled all the details it was 2:17am!!  I purred out my goodnight to him and he in turn huskily bid me adieu.

I went to bed that night smiling.  I woke up just after 7am to a text.

Him:

Morning…I think the world of you…

No wonder this guy was a man-whore!  He knows EXACTLY how to reel us bitches in!!  I was kind of pleased that his first thought in the morning after speaking only mere hours ago, were of me.  SQUEE!!!

Me:

Good morning…looking forward to meeting you…

Him:

Same…have a great day…see you soon...

Forty-eight hours after disaster date number one, with the help of Leilani and Piper, I landed date number two.  I was more excited then nervous this time and called my girlfriends to let them know that I’m back in the saddle for round two and the horse’s name was Mr. Tuesday.