Pon Da Replay

The very first thing I did when I closed the door was totally take a post-sex selfie and posted that shit-eating grin on my Facebook page with the caption, “Good motherfucking morning world!”

I now had to give my favourite bitches the play-by-play of the night because of course, that’s what girls do and I was DYING to just physically talk with someone about my indiscretion. 

Below are my actual text exchanges between my girlfriends over a two-hour time frame from when Mr. Tuesday dropped me off at home:

ME:

Mr. Tuesday is driving me home from his place…

JENN:

Shut up!!!!!  Did you guys do it!!!!!  Stop holding out on me!!!!!!!  Tell me!!!!!

ME:

Are you up?

JENN:

You ass!  I know you want to tell me!  Call me quick!!!!!!

LEILANI:

What!!!  Good for you!!!  Need the deets!!!  Who?  What?  When?  Where?

ME:

Call me….

PIPER:

WHAT?????  With who????  Mr. Tuesday???

ME:

Yes.
PIPER:

LOL!! Amazing!  Good for you girl!

MIRANDA:

I assume you saw Mr. Tuesday?

ME:

I went to his place at 1:30 in the morning.  He called to chirp and he dared me to come over…so I did.  Serviced TWICE!

MIRANDA:

Omg, u had better have a nap

ME:

I need to brush my teeth first then I’ll sleep.   He did after all impregnate my mouth.  Hahaha!!

MIRANDA:

Sweet dreams girlfriend!!

  

SASH:

HAHA!  Love it….Mr. Tuesday?

ME:

Yup.

CARRIE:

WHAT?

ME:

TWICE in one night!

CARRIE:

Nice….was it good sex?  Did he have a nice dick?

ME:

I didn’t enjoy it as much as I thought I would.  I had an anxiety attack in the middle of him fucking me the first time because I had body image issues with myself.  He does have a nice dick.  He manscapes.  I let him impregnate my mouth!

CARRIE:

Well if you were so nervous and have been pleasuring yourself for a while then it may take some time.

I love that my girlfriends never once made me feel slutty for the out-of-the-blue crazy shit I just pulled.  Virtual pats on the back was what I got and I was so thoroughly amused by that.

The very last person I got in touch with was Holly.  She by far was THE most excited about my encounter and made me belly laugh like no one’s business via text.

ME: 

My vagina was serviced last night… TWICE!!!

HOLLY:

Shut the fuck up!!!!  Shut the fuck up!!!!  BY WHO????!!!!!!  OMGEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

ME:

Mr. Tuesday

HOLLY:

Way to go Girlfriend!!!  How was it??  Was it amazing??  Do you feel awesome??  Tell me, tell me!!

ME:

I had an anxiety attack for the first time we went for it.  Body hang-ups and shit.  By the time we did it the second time it was better but I didn’t enjoy as much as I should.  He fucked my mouth good ‘tho.

HOLLY:

Wait a second.  Any 40+ year old man who can service a vajayjay more than once in a night is a fuckin’ hero.  Just saying.  Ahhhhh… I kinda love that you had this wild wild sexcapade.

ME:

Me too

HOLLY:

Free your mind girl… let the jizz clear your soul!!  So, so, are we friends with Mr. Tuesday, or just fucking Mr. Tuesday, or seeing where it goes.  Damn Gurl – I’m fuckin’ excited you got LAID!!!  We should celebrate!!!

ME:

It was a total booty call night.  I went to his place at 1:30 in the morning!!!  He dared me to come over.  He didn’t think I would actually show up.

HOLLY:

Haha!!  Good for you Girl.  You know what you want.  You go for it!!

ME:

I think we’re gonna end up with a friend with benefits situation.  I’m not putting my eggs in one basket.

HOLLY:

That’s good too tho…

ME:

And neither is he

HOLLY:

You need it.  Sex is an amazing euphoric release that you need girl.  And it gets all the jitters out and works out the kinks!!  Ain’t nothing wrong with FWB.

ME:

I know, I just gotta get over my body image hang-ups.

HOLLY:

Just don’t get emotionally attached and you are GOOD!!  This should help.

  

ME:

Call me later tonight and I can totally spill the deets properly!!!  So so dying to tell you!!

  

HOLLY:

Making a man feel good.  Or letting a man love your body (and do it good) is what you need!!  I will, I will.  I fuckin’ love you.  Way to GO !!  You get on wit your bad ass self!!  Boot-TAY Licious!!

ME:

Fucking Love Love Love YOU!!

HOLLY:

100 million times ditto

I then send her a shameless selfie with the caption, “Me, waiting in his car as he gets Starbucks for the drive home”

HOLLY:

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!  That looks like an amazing after sex up all night selfie.  Damn Gurl – You Fine!!!  It’s your ‘Sorta been Fucked’ photo!

ME:

OMG YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!

HOLLY:

Loves It

ME:

I fucking reek of cologne and sex.  SO AWESOME!  Holy Fuck!  I just looked in the mirror and I have scratch marks running the length of my back!!

HOLLY:

Damn Gurl – He rough!!! (And you were obvi that good!!!  Made him pounce!!!  Rawwrrrrr!!!)  Damn!!  I think you should name him Tony the Tiger!  LOL

No joke, after speaking with my friends I totally felt like a damn rock star.  I also felt confident that I could swing the whole FWB thing.  That I can separate mind from body.  I like fucking…well actually I like everything that leads up to fucking…the actual intercourse is always just meh for me. 

However I remembered what Carrie told me, that it’s been so long since someone else pleasured me that it would take some time for me to fully enjoy sex.  I also needed to work on my body image issues.  That shit haunts me on the regular.  Either way I fucked a dude on my own terms and was COMPLETELY fine with it. 

I just wondered what Mr. Tuesday thought our late night tryst.  I’d NEVER contact him of course to find out.  I just hoped that IF we ever met up again he would tell me if I was decent or not.  I know for dudes, that sex - even if it’s bad- is still good sex.  I was just happy that he was a total gentleman from beginning to end, so no harm no foul should he not contact me again.

Total bounce in my hobble the ENTIRE day, that is until I called an old friend to relay my news….

Baptism By Fire Part Three

I got super nervous again all of a sudden but not for the reason that one would think.  I was nervous about Rico Suave watching me hobble out of the restaurant.  There is ZERO attraction to this dude but the fact that he has to see me and my disability in action bothered the hell out of me.  It made me feel I was not enough, even for someone like him.

He didn’t even open the fucking doors for me himself.  He used the handicapped buttons on the doors and ONLY because I approached the doors first, well before he did.  One of them didn’t even work so I had to open the door MYSELF!

As I followed him to his car, he made a comment about the fact I wouldn’t be able to stop him from touching me if he wanted to because I was busy using my crutches.   He then proceeded to grab my ass.  I knew right then I was totally fucked once I got into his car.  I wasn’t scared more then I was annoyed.  I knew he was planning on fully unleashing his Rico Suave moves on me.  I knew I could beat the shit out of him with my crutches! 

I roll dough by hand for a living, so my pipes were bigger then his.  Fear of something really bad happening to me wasn’t an issue.  This bitch can take care of herself.

Shockingly he opened the car door for me and I immediately grabbed my phone as a precautionary measure.  He grabs my left hand in his as we drive off.  I try to wiggle my hand free and I look at him and say, “How do you think the night is going to end?”  He finally lets go and says, “I don’t know but I had a really good time with you tonight.  How do you think it’s gonna end?”  I let him know that it was very nice to meet him (LIE) and that he gets a handshake from me, that’s how the night is going to end.

Rico Suave looks at me with shock and disappointment.  I also tell him that there is no way in hell he is coming inside my house.  One would think that was a telltale sign that the date was a dud.  Nope.  Dude had the balls to actually park the car on my driveway.  My seatbelt was already off and I had already opened the car door dying to make my escape. 

I thank him again for a ‘nice’ evening and offer a handshake.  He takes my hand and pulls me in for a hug and then BAM!  Rico Suave shoves his tongue into my mouth!!

He wasn’t a horrible kisser but I was practically barrel-rolling out of the car to get away from him.  One would think it would be best not to put the ‘moves’ on.  I made the mistake of placing my hand on his shoulder to push him away and bite his lower lip to get him to extract his tongue from my mouth. 

My complete inexperience in the art of saying ‘good-bye’ showed, because when I pulled away and attempted to say, “I have to g….” Yes.  That’s right Rico Suave only pulled me back into him and intensified his kiss.  I didn’t even have the chance to say the word ‘go’ for fuck’s sake!!  I shoved him off me and got the hell out of the car, slammed the door and got the inside my house as quickly as I could.

I then immediately called my friend Carrie and told her I was coming over.  She asked if I was okay.  I said ‘yes’ and hopped on my scooter and booted it to her house.  As I was making my way to Carrie’s I get a text from Rico Suave.

Him: 

Did you panic when I kissed you?

Me: 

No.  Why?

Him: 

You just left really quickly.  I think you’re hot BTW.  We have chemistry.  I’m still close by.  Do you want me to come back?

Seriously.  The motherfucking balls on this guy!!! 

Me:

No.  Go home.

I wanted to add “You fucking pervy cheap bastard!” to the end of the text but Rico Suave wasn’t worth anymore of my time.

I got to Carrie’s place and she immediately got me a Mango-rita and asked me again if I was okay.  I reassured her that I was then gave her the play by play of the evening.  She was horrified that I paid for dinner.  She then asked me if I regretted going.

“As bleak as the date itself was, I know that I am capable of engaging in conversation and I wasn’t a complete idiot.  I also got kissed for the third time in my entire life.  It may have been unwelcome and the LEAST romantic, but someone kissed me.”

“Nice!” Carrie says happily.  “Now you won’t be so nervous the next time.”

Lucky for me Sharknado 2 was making it’s premiere that night and I stayed over to see what all the hype was about.  I laughed my ass off with her family before I headed home for the evening.

When I walked through my door after getting home from Carrie’s place, I cried.  I crumpled onto the floor and sobbed in the foyer of my new place.  Alone.  I hated online dating.  I hated that you are judged on the way you look.  My whole life my look wasn’t good enough.  I was the fat funny girl.  Fun to hang out with but not to kiss goodnight.   No boy liked me in high school.  I never posed for my high school grad photos or went to prom for fuck’s sake because I didn’t feel pretty enough compared to everyone else.  College was the same.  I was actually surprised I managed to get married, but that ship has sailed.  To start from scratch at forty and be disabled amplifies every last insecurity I have about myself.  In the world of online dating looks aren’t everything.  It’s the ONLY thing and I certainly don’t have that.  

I fell asleep that night in the hallway like a dog, my pretty white dress and make-up ruined and I had thrown my crutches out on the porch with disgust.