Pon Da Replay

The very first thing I did when I closed the door was totally take a post-sex selfie and posted that shit-eating grin on my Facebook page with the caption, “Good motherfucking morning world!”

I now had to give my favourite bitches the play-by-play of the night because of course, that’s what girls do and I was DYING to just physically talk with someone about my indiscretion. 

Below are my actual text exchanges between my girlfriends over a two-hour time frame from when Mr. Tuesday dropped me off at home:

ME:

Mr. Tuesday is driving me home from his place…

JENN:

Shut up!!!!!  Did you guys do it!!!!!  Stop holding out on me!!!!!!!  Tell me!!!!!

ME:

Are you up?

JENN:

You ass!  I know you want to tell me!  Call me quick!!!!!!

LEILANI:

What!!!  Good for you!!!  Need the deets!!!  Who?  What?  When?  Where?

ME:

Call me….

PIPER:

WHAT?????  With who????  Mr. Tuesday???

ME:

Yes.
PIPER:

LOL!! Amazing!  Good for you girl!

MIRANDA:

I assume you saw Mr. Tuesday?

ME:

I went to his place at 1:30 in the morning.  He called to chirp and he dared me to come over…so I did.  Serviced TWICE!

MIRANDA:

Omg, u had better have a nap

ME:

I need to brush my teeth first then I’ll sleep.   He did after all impregnate my mouth.  Hahaha!!

MIRANDA:

Sweet dreams girlfriend!!

  

SASH:

HAHA!  Love it….Mr. Tuesday?

ME:

Yup.

CARRIE:

WHAT?

ME:

TWICE in one night!

CARRIE:

Nice….was it good sex?  Did he have a nice dick?

ME:

I didn’t enjoy it as much as I thought I would.  I had an anxiety attack in the middle of him fucking me the first time because I had body image issues with myself.  He does have a nice dick.  He manscapes.  I let him impregnate my mouth!

CARRIE:

Well if you were so nervous and have been pleasuring yourself for a while then it may take some time.

I love that my girlfriends never once made me feel slutty for the out-of-the-blue crazy shit I just pulled.  Virtual pats on the back was what I got and I was so thoroughly amused by that.

The very last person I got in touch with was Holly.  She by far was THE most excited about my encounter and made me belly laugh like no one’s business via text.

ME: 

My vagina was serviced last night… TWICE!!!

HOLLY:

Shut the fuck up!!!!  Shut the fuck up!!!!  BY WHO????!!!!!!  OMGEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

ME:

Mr. Tuesday

HOLLY:

Way to go Girlfriend!!!  How was it??  Was it amazing??  Do you feel awesome??  Tell me, tell me!!

ME:

I had an anxiety attack for the first time we went for it.  Body hang-ups and shit.  By the time we did it the second time it was better but I didn’t enjoy as much as I should.  He fucked my mouth good ‘tho.

HOLLY:

Wait a second.  Any 40+ year old man who can service a vajayjay more than once in a night is a fuckin’ hero.  Just saying.  Ahhhhh… I kinda love that you had this wild wild sexcapade.

ME:

Me too

HOLLY:

Free your mind girl… let the jizz clear your soul!!  So, so, are we friends with Mr. Tuesday, or just fucking Mr. Tuesday, or seeing where it goes.  Damn Gurl – I’m fuckin’ excited you got LAID!!!  We should celebrate!!!

ME:

It was a total booty call night.  I went to his place at 1:30 in the morning!!!  He dared me to come over.  He didn’t think I would actually show up.

HOLLY:

Haha!!  Good for you Girl.  You know what you want.  You go for it!!

ME:

I think we’re gonna end up with a friend with benefits situation.  I’m not putting my eggs in one basket.

HOLLY:

That’s good too tho…

ME:

And neither is he

HOLLY:

You need it.  Sex is an amazing euphoric release that you need girl.  And it gets all the jitters out and works out the kinks!!  Ain’t nothing wrong with FWB.

ME:

I know, I just gotta get over my body image hang-ups.

HOLLY:

Just don’t get emotionally attached and you are GOOD!!  This should help.

  

ME:

Call me later tonight and I can totally spill the deets properly!!!  So so dying to tell you!!

  

HOLLY:

Making a man feel good.  Or letting a man love your body (and do it good) is what you need!!  I will, I will.  I fuckin’ love you.  Way to GO !!  You get on wit your bad ass self!!  Boot-TAY Licious!!

ME:

Fucking Love Love Love YOU!!

HOLLY:

100 million times ditto

I then send her a shameless selfie with the caption, “Me, waiting in his car as he gets Starbucks for the drive home”

HOLLY:

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!  That looks like an amazing after sex up all night selfie.  Damn Gurl – You Fine!!!  It’s your ‘Sorta been Fucked’ photo!

ME:

OMG YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!

HOLLY:

Loves It

ME:

I fucking reek of cologne and sex.  SO AWESOME!  Holy Fuck!  I just looked in the mirror and I have scratch marks running the length of my back!!

HOLLY:

Damn Gurl – He rough!!! (And you were obvi that good!!!  Made him pounce!!!  Rawwrrrrr!!!)  Damn!!  I think you should name him Tony the Tiger!  LOL

No joke, after speaking with my friends I totally felt like a damn rock star.  I also felt confident that I could swing the whole FWB thing.  That I can separate mind from body.  I like fucking…well actually I like everything that leads up to fucking…the actual intercourse is always just meh for me. 

However I remembered what Carrie told me, that it’s been so long since someone else pleasured me that it would take some time for me to fully enjoy sex.  I also needed to work on my body image issues.  That shit haunts me on the regular.  Either way I fucked a dude on my own terms and was COMPLETELY fine with it. 

I just wondered what Mr. Tuesday thought our late night tryst.  I’d NEVER contact him of course to find out.  I just hoped that IF we ever met up again he would tell me if I was decent or not.  I know for dudes, that sex - even if it’s bad- is still good sex.  I was just happy that he was a total gentleman from beginning to end, so no harm no foul should he not contact me again.

Total bounce in my hobble the ENTIRE day, that is until I called an old friend to relay my news….

...And Repeat

I JUST had sex…with a practical stranger…nine days after we first met…HOLY FUCKING SHIT!

I waited so long to just throw caution to the wind and I didn’t even really enjoy the whole thing.  Yeah, I got some good feels out of it, but I was just so in my head about being naked and my performance that it seemed more like a task rather then something fun.  I however also believe that my sleeping with Mr. Tuesday solidified the fact that I was really and truly totally single.  No more significant attachment.

His warm naked body was pressed against mine in perfect post coital slumber.  I so wanted to revel in my personal victory but I couldn’t.  I actually just wanted to go home.  The deed was done.  He got what he wanted from me and I from him.  I didn’t think there was a need for me to stay.    What I did tonight was so incredibly uncharacteristic of me that it totally felt like an out of body experience.

I laid awake for what seemed liked and eternity and waited until Mr. Tuesday rolled over and we were no longer making skin-to-skin contact.  I stirred just enough to see where all my clothes were.  Okay, jeans and cardigan were where I left them prior to hopping into bed.  I looked around for my top…ahhh….there it was, tossed near the window.  Now where the hell were my panties?  I thought that I would just leave without my fancy gitch and chalk it up to a casualty of the night but fuck, those were expensive and I’m taking them with me dammit!

Mr. Tuesday noticed me stirring.  “Everything okay?” He asked gently as he turned over to face me.  Fuck.  Now I really couldn’t leave.  I laid my head back down on the pillow and looked up at the ceiling and Mr. Tuesday draped his right arm across me and I intertwined my hand with his.  “Uh..huh.” I replied.  “You sure?  Was it okay for you?”  He softly asked as he kissed my temple.  “Yeah….yeah it was fine…you were good.”  Not sure if I sounded convincing but I didn’t really have much to add.

It was odd for me to receive such affection post sex.  It was nice.  Like I said if I wasn’t so self-conscious, I’m positive my encounter with him would have been so much better.  Maybe that was a blessing in disguise, me not coming at all.  It makes the whole “friends with benefits” thing easier to manage.  I’ve always associated climaxing as an emotional thing and isn’t that the whole point of “friends with benefits”?  NO EMOTION.  As long as I NEVER came with him, then all is well. 

I kissed his hand that was holding mine and looked at him in the shadowy darkness.  I leaned in and nuzzled my nose to his before kissing him tenderly.  I began to pet him beneath the sheets.  He returned the kiss in kind and pulled me gently towards him.  He wanted me on top again.  I looked at him and dragged my mouth slowly towards his right ear and suckled his earlobe and whispered, “You on top…please…”

Mr. Tuesday sat up on his elbows and eyed me lasciviously.  He rolled over and used one of his knees to part my thighs.  I could feel him land on my stomach, already rigid.  He softly brushed his lips against mine then began to taste his way to my breasts.  I raked my hands through his hair as he lavished his warm mouth on my peaked nipples.  I was beginning to feel the tightness in my belly.  God I loved what he was doing to me.  I was biting my lip and I swear I broke the skin.  Mr. Tuesday now hovered above me, his forearms on either side of my head.  I then felt his entire length sink slowly into my wet folds.  He filled me and I grappled his back to meet him as he thrusted.  I clenched him inside me.  I arched my back so I could feel more of him as he pumped.  Mr. Tuesday was frantically kissing my mouth, neck and ears and they bore a heated trail from his tongue.  I was distinctly moaning now and pretty sure there would be marks on his back and biceps from where I clasped my hands.  He was unrelenting as he fucked me.  I could feel myself building up but somehow knew that missionary wasn’t how he was going to finish and that I’d have to take care of business for myself later.

“I want you to put me in your mouth.” he gasped into my right ear.  I nodded, then quickly bit his lower lip as he pulled out of me and rolled onto his back.  I nipped and sucked at his nipples as I made way south.  I noticed they were obvious buttons for him as he groaned loudly.  I liked the sound he made when he was noticeably aroused.  It was such a turn on.  I trailed my tongue down his smooth torso and kissed him open-mouth on his right hip. 

Mr. Tuesday was now looking down at me.  I let him watch as I grazed my fingertips against the length of him before I held him firmly in my left hand.  The tip of my tongue stroked him repeatedly until I licked my lips, eyed him and watched as he saw me open wide and engulf him fully into my warm mouth.  He audibly gasped as I felt him hit the back of my throat.  My lips suctioned onto him and I began my advance.  He was slick from just being inside me.  I gripped him tightly at his base and sucked him until my cheeks hollowed.  He was pushing himself deeper into me and every now and then his swollen crown would press against my throat. 

Fuck.  This guy likes to savour every minute of getting oral.  I was beginning to feel my jaw twinge.  I knew he would be done soon when I felt him forcefully push my head down to take him in deeper.  I nursed him a little faster now and gripped and pumped the base of cock.  I could feel his legs slightly shake.  I gave him one last solid pull from my mouth and Mr. Tuesday finally let go with conviction.  He fully impregnated my mouth and I milked him the best that I could.  Shit.  I haven’t swallowed since I was in my 20’s.  Fuck.

I chastely kissed the very swollen tip of him once, twice, three times before swiping the back of my hand across my mouth and crawling back up towards him.  I made sure to kiss him deep because if I had to taste myself so would he.  Fucker.

We laid beside each other holding hands.  My free hand softly tracing long lines against his skin.  Again, I totally felt that I had an out of body experience.  That it wasn’t me in that bed with Mr. Tuesday. 

HIM:

So…uhhh….what was that you said about being hard to get?

He chuckled into my shoulder.

I covered my face with my hands then punched his arm.

ME:

Shut up…Fuck you…THIS whole thing is so not like me at all.  I’m not sure what the hell prompted me to be so crazy and come see you in the middle of the night.

HIM:

You were enamoured by me remember?

ME:

HA!  Okay…you’re right.

Both of us stared at his ceiling.  Mr. Tuesday and I then just started talking. He more so then I.  He talked about television shows he watched, his family and work.  He fascinated me.  I listened intently.

We laid in bed and cuddled for a little while longer before he had to get ready for work.  Mr. Tuesday asked if I needed anything before he made his way to shower.  I nodded and said that I was perfectly fine.  He put on some music and I admired his backside as he walked away from me. 

I exhaled loudly and kept reminding myself to not regret a single minute despite the fact that the logical part of me was arguing that it was a mistake; a HUGE one.  I was starting to over think things and I knew it was so going to kill my vibe.  Fuck that noise. 

I closed my eyes and took a deep cleansing breath in and out.  Better.  I began to get dressed.  I made his bed.  Weird I know, but it’s an OCD thing of mine.  I can’t leave a bed in the morning if it’s not made, regardless of where I am.  So yes, I made the sex bed and hopped down the hallway desperate to get to my phone.

Fuck.  I needed to tell people that my cobwebs have been officially cleaned out.  Here are the assorted texts I sent out the minute my fingers touched my phone:

ME to MIRANDA:  I have been SERVICED!!!!!

ME to LEILANI:  Dude!  I had sex!!

ME to SASH:  I am about to do the “ride of shame” home!!

ME to CARRIE:  I spent the night at a boy’s house…

ME to JENN:  Mr. Tuesday is going to drive me home from his place…

ME to PIPER:  Did THE DEED last night!!

Very high school of me, I know but I couldn’t help myself.  I actually felt pretty damn good.  I can see why people are in such a eurphoric mood post sex.  Hell, I didn’t even come and I still felt great. I was shocked that none of my lady friends responded to me right away.  WTF?!  I needed to talk to someone so badly.  Fucking bitches.  I’ll have to call everyone once I got home.  Damn.

I was in the hallway on the floor madly texting my friends when Mr. Tuesday came out from around the corner, freshly showered and naked.  I was a bit taken aback by his casual demeanor but then again we did just fuck and what I saw wasn’t anything new.  I blushed.  He asked me again if I was alright.   I did my best to look him in the eyes but him being naked was a tad bit distracting.  “Yup.  Totally fine.” I told him quickly.  He turned and headed down the hall and I made my way to the living room and waited on the couch.

“Thanks for making my bed.”  He called out from his room.  I smiled to myself.   A few minutes later Mr. Tuesday walked out in dark jeans, a grey button up and a black suit jacket.  Fuck me, he was handsome.  He pecked me on the lips before he sat down and tied his shoes.  God this man smelled amazing.  Whatever cologne he was wearing I will forever associate it with him regardless of whomever else was wearing it.

Mr. Tuesday gathered his things and I was ready to do the ‘hobble of shame’ out of his apartment.  We made small talk and I kissed him on the elevator ride down.  I liked him.  I liked him enough to know that I could totally work the “friends with benefits” angle.  We were ALWAYS very upfront with each other so there was no bullshitting anything and I loved that.

The drive home was pleasant.  He stopped off at the Starbucks where we first met and picked up some warm beverages for the ride.  I nursed my chai tea latte as he sang along to his playlist with abandon.  He totally made me smile like an idiot.  Loved it.

He pulled up into my driveway and walked me to my front door.  I thanked him again for taking me home and that I had fun.  I smiled up at him and hoped that he would kiss me goodbye.  Mr. Tuesday did not disappoint.  He touched his lips to mine, soft wet and slow.   It was a lovely and proper kiss goodbye, the kind that leaves you floating.  Nice.

I watched as he got back into his car and drove away.  I wondered if he would ever contact me again since we showed each other the benefits.  Could we really be friends?

Beneficial Understanding

HIM:

You okay? 

ME:

Yes…of course…Why?

HIM:

Just checking up…

Okay so now I was a little more than curious as to why he would want to check-up on me.  I needed to speak with him.

ME:

Can I call you?

HIM:

Call me what?

ME:

Hahahaha…silly boy!

HIM:

Yes…But for just a bit…I’m going to go for a run…unless later…I’m easy…

ME:

Call me after…have a good run you lucky bastard with two legs…FYI…I already know that you’re easy…BAM…fuck you… :)

HIM:

Some say I have three...you go fuck yourself... :)

ME:

Well…We’ll see about that…

HIM:

Ha…Maybe you will…maybe you won’t…

ME:

My mouth is your loss then…okay fuck off and go for your run…call me later

HIM:

Ha…Touché…

Playful Mr. Tuesday got in touch with me.  This was our banter when we spoke on the phone the first time.  This is what enamoured me to him in the first place.  To say I was pleasantly surprised was an understatement.  Butterflies of all kinds were wreaking havoc in my belly and we were only texting. 

Damn him, that fucker.

I immediately text Holly and let her know that Mr. Tuesday got in touch with me.  I forward my text exchange with him to her.

HOLLY:

LMAO.  You two are cute.  I love it!

ME:

Was it too much?

HOLLY:

Nah.  Never too much.  He kept it going too.  You two are funny.  I like the friendship behind the potential for romance and sex.  It’s something more solid then sexting.  LOL!

ME:

Me too!  He’s so fucking charming.

HOLLY:

I like that he’s like…You OK?...I’m just checking.  LOL!  CUTE.

ME:

I’ll let you know how tonight’s conversation goes.  I know that he has a lunch date tomorrow which I am totally not bothered by.

HOLLY:

As you shouldn’t be.  You’re still trolling sites too—but for now Mr. Tuesday is a fun ‘side piece’ until or if it becomes more.  :)  You go girl!!!

Ahhhh…you can always count on your girlfriends to put things into perspective.  I was too embarrassed to admit to Holly that I was doing a happy dance of joy when I got that text back.  It was HELLA flattering for me that he even gave me a second thought at all!

Later that night we spoke briefly before he told me he was headed out for what I assumed was another date.  He assured me that it wasn’t and I assured him that I didn’t care what he did in his own time.  I told him to enjoy himself.  Our conversation lasted 5 minutes. 

A little over 90 minutes later he sent me a text letting me know he had a crappy night.  I asked why and then he called me.  We spoke that night until almost 2am.  Oh man did we ever laugh when were talking.  It made me enamoured to him.   Mr. Tuesday also asked why I never got in touch with him post date.  I told him I never expected him to get back to me considering he was a man-whore an all.  I explained that I wanted nothing serious. Same as him. ‘Just fun.’   In my mind I remembered my girlfriends telling me that good girls don’t chase.  That is the dude’s job.  I was also trying to protect myself from developing any sort of attachment to this man however talking to him was making that EXTREMELY difficult.  Mr. Tuesday was so easy going and we didn’t even have to talk about sex…until later in our conversation.

HIM:

I had a fun with you that night.

ME:

Me too.  I REALLY enjoyed myself.  You’re a very good kisser.  I kinda regret leaving early that night.

HIM:

Yeah.  I thought so too.  The night seemed unfinished…

ME:

Yeah, right?  I wouldn’t have slept with you BUT I’m sure I could have done more…with my mouth. 

BAM!  I opened the door now…

ME:

I went home very ahh…in need of relief.

{Blush.}

HIM:

Oh fuck.  I was so horny after you left.  I jerked off thinking about you.

Thus began our talk about all things that we prefer during sex.  I told him I prefer ‘giving’ then ‘receiving’.  He explained that one of his favourite things is to go down on a woman.  I know ladies that you think I’m mental because who doesn’t love a good burger munch but I honestly don’t get that much satisfaction from it.  I think that things changed when I had my clitoral piercing years ago—YUP - I did get my lady bits pierced and now only ‘I’ can take cake of business down in that nether region proper.   He suggested that I should let him try one day and to give him ‘the tap’ should I want him to stop.  I laughed my ass off at that.

Damn that Mr. Tuesday for being so bloody funny and charming.  Fucker.

We established that we should try “friends with benefits”. This was all new to me so why the fuck not?  I agreed.  I’m sure I would learn a thing or two from him, which I could possibly carry on to my next encounter.  I remember Holly telling me that I need at least three dicks in me then I could get serious.  I countered with five.  I know…very overly ambitious of me but a girl’s gotta dream, right?

I have no clue how the whole “friends with benefits” thing actually works but I was enjoying my time chirping with Mr. Tuesday.  I would let him take the lead on that.  I think that he is too charming NOT to have as a new friend, even if the sex never happens.  Everyone in my life who ever made me belly laugh is keepers in my books.  He should stick around regardless, even if only to hear about his ‘sexcapades’.

Like I mentioned earlier, we spoke until almost 2am and my panties were soaking wet by the time I hung up the phone.  I ended up having to take a L-O-N-G shower again post phone call.  God, I love my detachable shower head!!!!!

Mr. Tuesday and I texted on and off for another week.  Nothing overly flirtatious.  Just basic stuff;  “How’s it going?  How was your day?”  Then one night, nine days after our first date he called me just after 11:30pm…

Mr. Tuesday

Mr. Tuesday’s morning text prompted me to pretty much tell every single girlfriend I know that this bitch was preparing for battle so soon after I lost the first war.

Since Leilani and Piper pretty much orchestrated this twist of fate, I let them know first that I was meeting him today.  I then contacted my friend Jenn who is basically my neighbourhood fellow ethnic, like me.  I let her know that I scored a date and she more then happily offered to chauffeur me to my meeting place.   I then continued down the line of girlfriends to fill them in on the latest developments with me. 

I was grateful that Sash was coming over for a quick visit.  Nothing like getting hands on advice and a pep talk from one of my online dating gurus.  I was starting to get just a little bit nervous but her presence helped to calm my nerves. 

Carrie the style maven was away at the cottage so I had to text her for advice as to what I should wear for my coffee date.  I remember Sash telling me she always wears the same outfit for the first date so I was going to do the same but Carrie said it was way too fancy for coffee.  I opted for an A-line skirt with a large floral print in tan that was just above the knee, a white fitted deep scoop neck t-shirt and a bright pink three-quarter length sleeve cardigan with matching coloured peep toe flats.  I sent Carrie a pic of my outfit and she gave me virtual thumbs up.  I left my hair down and tousled it to give it a little volume.  I did a dramatic smokey eye and just sheer gloss on my lips.

Jenn and her husband Big Al came to pick me up about an hour before my date as they had children to drop off to assorted events.  They are SERIOUS multi-taskers so they had being efficient down to a science.  I hadn’t seen both of them in a while so while we were driving to drop one child off to soccer I had to rehash my crappy date to them and fill them in on my plans for this evening as we headed to my final destination.  The two of them were grinning like idiots for me.

As we were pulling up to the Starbucks I saw him walking down the street.  I immediately told Big Al to swing around the back of the building.  I suddenly felt extremely self-conscious.  I despised the thought of my date seeing me hobble around in my crutches.  I wanted to get inside as soon as possible so that didn’t happen.  I hopped out quick as I could, Big Al wished me luck and Jenn and her daughter were just a shadow behind me.  They wanted to see what Mr. Tuesday looked liked first hand.

As fast as I my one leg could take me, I went inside the Starbucks, found a table for two and sat and waited for him.  I figure I had less then five minutes before he came strolling in.  Jenn and her daughter totally scoped him out as they walked past him and through the windowpane they gave me open-mouthed grins and the big thumbs up.  I wanted to belly laugh out loud.

Mr. Tuesday saw me right away and smiled.  I smiled in return as he walked towards me.  I was suddenly nervous.  Not as nervous as the first time but nervous enough that I could feel my heart beating a little faster then usual.  He was wearing an indigo coloured linen jacket, black dress shirt, dark wash jeans and a pair of Chuck T’s.  I extended my hand to shake his. 

“Hi.  Really nice to meet you.  You look really nice.” I say to him as he firmly takes my hand in his to shake in return.

“Why thank you.  Wow.  You’re really pretty.  You look great by they way.” he replies. 

Okay, I’m right in the heart of blush city.  He then asks what I would like to drink before leaving me momentarily to grab our drinks.

I glance his way every now and then while he waits in line.  I’m too nervous to make direct eye contact.  He’s cute.  Tall.  Facial scruff.  I like.  He looks like his photos.  Good.  He’s paying for our beverages.  Even better.  He comes back with our drinks and sits down.  OMG!  He smells amazing!  So amazing that I in fact blurt out, “You smell REALLY good.”  He chuckles.

“So…” he sips his coffee and stares at me. 

Oh no, please don’t tell me I’ll have to carry the conversation yet again. ‘So’ is such a pussy word.  Shit.  Shit.  Shit.  This is not how I wanted it to go. 

“Good day so far?” he asks. 

“Yup.  Had a pedicure this morning and met up with a friend and did the ice bucket challenge.  Pissed that I got nominated but I did it and my friend donated on my behalf as well.  Have you done it?”  I was madly chewing my bottom lip and giggled.  Mr. Tuesday was more subdued so it was hard to gage how the evening would progress but it was also very early in the date. 

“I did get nominated but I didn’t want to get wet.  I donated instead.”  He paused and took another sip of his coffee and looked at me.  “God.   You have gorgeous hair.”  I giggled again as I sipped my drink. 

“You laugh a lot.”  He pointed out. 

“Nervous habit.” I look down as I reply back and take a huge gulp of my cool lime refresher.

“You’re nervous?  Don’t be.” And Mr. Tuesday then squeezes my hand and lightly pats it.  Tingly.  This dude just made me tingle when he touched me.  

He launched into one of his cheesy jokes and it totally broke the ice.  The conversation started flowing more freely as if we were on the phone again.  We talked about bad date experiences and touched on our kids.  He then asked if I had eaten.  I said no. “Do you wanna have some wine and snacks?  There’s a place just across the street we could go to.”  I nod in agreement and I swear I think my bottom lip is bleeding from the constant chewing I’ve done to it.

Dread.  Sheer dread then washes over me because now, my worst fear is coming to fruition.  Mr. Tuesday is gonna see me hobble on my crutches.  Fuck.  I plaster the fakest smile I have on my face but inside I’m dying.  I don’t want to leave the confines of my chair but I really want to continue my evening with this guy.

I reluctantly follow him out.  He walks ahead of me, until we get to the door and he opens it so I could go first.  Gentlemanly gesture for sure but now my ‘handicapness’ is in full view for him and everyone one else to observe.  I fucking hate myself in that very moment.

“You must have pretty good upper body strength.” He says to me.  

I smile and giggle.  

“Hey, still nervous?  Don't be okay?” He noted my nervous cue. 

“You’re curvy and gorgeous.  I think you're amazing.” 

I don’t believe him.  

He pities me.  

I’m sure of it.

“HA!” I snort.  We cross the street and head towards the restaurant.

“What?  I’m being serious!” He says. “Own it.  You’re gorgeous.”  I smile, thank him and mention that he smells really damn good…again.

The restaurant was a quaint local joint with five star food.  We share a bottle of wine and assorted tapas.  The wine definitely loosened me up because I was more chirpy, flirty and relaxed.  My hand would also settle on his knee every now and then as did his on mine.  We talked more about dating and he mentioned that he was actually going on a date Friday afternoon.  “Good for you.” I said sincerely. 

Hey.  I knew EXACTLY what I was getting myself into so it wasn’t a big deal.  He mentioned that he felt comfortable enough to tell me and wanted to let me know that if “we” didn’t work out that he still wanted to be friends.  He told me he liked me because I seemed different, ‘cool’.  I grinned happily.   Mr. Tuesday placed his hand on my bare knee and rubbed circles with his index finger.  Yeah.  I was ready to eat butterflies now.

The night was still young when we were done at the wine bar.   Like a true gentleman he paid for dinner.  That gesture alone made him almost perfect.  I was a tad tipsy from the wine and maybe just a little more touchy feely then I normally am.  He suggested that we walk back to his place.  Warning sirens were going off in my head.  I gulped down a big glass of water to try and clear my addled alcohol induced brain.  “Do you promise to behave yourself?”  I smiled at him impishly.  Mr. Tuesday then leaned in, gently squeezed my thigh and whispered in my ear, “Have I not been a perfect gentleman all night?”

HOLY FUCK!  This bastard was bloody S-M-O-O-T-H.  I think we all know what my answer was going to be.

“Okay.  Let’s go back to your place BUT just so you know ALL my friends know exactly where I am and what I’m doing tonight.”  I hop off the bar stool and thanks to the libations I consumed I could give two fucks about him seeing me hobble.

“That’s perfectly fine.  Thank you again for coming out to meet me.”  Mr. Tuesday then chastely kisses me on the cheek and I follow him out. 

He told me lives close enough that he walked over but wanted to get a cab so I didn’t have to walk.  I explained to him that I’d be fine.  It was beautiful night out and I was up for it.  He admitted that he really enjoyed my company and reiterated regardless if I had two legs, six legs, he didn’t care.  He said I was pretty damn cute.  I reciprocated the compliment back but said he was handsome instead.

It was a fifteen-minute walk to his building.  We talked about our siblings and what we were like in high school and our banter seemed familiar.  I didn’t feel at all uncomfortable or threatened around him.  I followed him into the lobby and we waited in silence for the elevator.  I was feeling just a little flush and by default I started gnawing my slightly raw and now very pink bottom lip.

The elevator door opened.  His chivalrous self let me in first and I scooted all the way to the far corner.  He entered.  Pressed the button to his floor and the elevator door began to close.  Mr. Tuesday turned to face me and took two big strides in my direction. His eyes were hooded and fixed on my mouth. 

OMG!  OMG!  O-M-FUCKING-G!!!!  

He gently leaned his body towards me, tilted his head and touched his lips to mine.  I felt the tip of his tongue swipe the seam of my mouth open.  I granted him access and sighed into him as he deepened the kiss.  My belly instantly tightened and my heart was beating like a hummingbird’s wings.

The elevator came to a stop on his floor.  He pulled away and stared at me.  I swear I could have been the Joker in the latest Batman reboot because the smirk on my face was GIGANTIC! 

I believe I just had a Fifty Shades of Grey, ‘FUCK THE PAPERWORK’ elevator moment and HOLY SHIT!  Mr. Tuesday was a CRAZY GOOD kisser!  He chuckled and quickly pecked my lips before placing his hand on the small of my back and guided me down the hallway towards his apartment. 

Mr. Tuesday kissed my forehead, smirked devilishly at me as he unlocked his door. He stepped inside and I willingly followed his lead…

Chirp Session

Not sure what possessed me to be so bold and just immediately call without any hesitation or pretense.  Maybe it was all the foolish adrenaline I was feeding off of post visit with Leilani and Piper.

Ring.  Ring.

Him:

Hello?

He has a nice voice.  A perfect baritone.  Eeek…butterflies!

Me:

Hi.  How are you?

He giggles.

Him:

Wow.  Wasn’t expecting you to call so soon.

Oh shit.

Me:

You gave me your number.

Him:

Hahaha…It’s fine.  I just thought you would give me a text first.

Oops. 

Me:

Oh.  Well kinda late for that now isn’t it?

So began our telephone date.  He was a well-educated professional with a successful career.  I think he was a little tipsy when we were talking and thusly just a little manic BUT that didn’t bother me.  He was funny as hell.  We had a really good playful banter going.  He asked me about my current love life.  I told him I’m not looking for anything serious.  I just want to date and have some fun.  He asked what my marital situation was.  I said separated.

He told me that he doesn’t date women who are separated but that, “There’s something about you that makes me want to know more.” We talked and laughed and then a little over an hour later he said he had to go.  He suggested that we should meet one day.  I told him to let me know and then we called our phone date a night.  I immediately called Leilani and gave her the 411.  We spoke for about 15 minutes when I noticed that he was trying to call me on the other line.  I politely told Leilani to fuck off so I could take the call.  She laughed and wished me luck. 

When I answered, it was quarter to midnight.  He told me that it didn’t feel right that we stopped talking so soon.  HOLY FUCK!  Blush city!!!  We discussed my amputation and he told me that he didn’t care about it.  That I was still “beautiful” in my photos. Swoon.  He then got a little serious and said what he was about to tell me may change my opinion about him and that I may not want to continue but he wanted to be clear and truthful with me. 

He proceeded to tell me that he was a ‘man-whore’.  That was it?  The revelation wasn’t shocking BUT it was in the realm of what was acceptable to me.  Who am I to judge?  To be honest, I was a little jealous.  I wish I was experienced.  Seems a shame that I so badly want to sow my wild oats now when everything is sagging and that I have an appendage missing.

Not once during our phone conversation was there any talk of anything overtly sexual.  We just laughed at his bad jokes and talked about our mutual interests in art and culture.  We spoke until 1:15am!  I was the one who had to go this time.  I wanted to take a shower before bed.  Again before we let each other go he suggested that we meet.  I again told him to let me know when works best for him and to call or text me.

 When I got out of the shower, I noticed there was a text message on my phone.  IT WAS FROM HIM!!!  He still wanted to talk with me!!!  I let him call me back and we finally pinned down a date and time to meet.  We would meet later today—since it was technically already early Tuesday.  He offered to call in and spend the day with me should I desire but I would have to meet up at 10:30am…AT HIS PLACE! 

Yeah right!!  After the fiasco that was with Rico Suave there was no fucking way I was putting myself in a situation where I didn’t have much control.  I told him his gesture was very charming but I already had daytime plans.  I suggested that we meet for coffee.  I’m NEVER doing dinner again after what happened on Saturday.  He agreed and we planned to meet at the Starbucks in his neighbourhood.  By the time we settled all the details it was 2:17am!!  I purred out my goodnight to him and he in turn huskily bid me adieu.

I went to bed that night smiling.  I woke up just after 7am to a text.

Him:

Morning…I think the world of you…

No wonder this guy was a man-whore!  He knows EXACTLY how to reel us bitches in!!  I was kind of pleased that his first thought in the morning after speaking only mere hours ago, were of me.  SQUEE!!!

Me:

Good morning…looking forward to meeting you…

Him:

Same…have a great day…see you soon...

Forty-eight hours after disaster date number one, with the help of Leilani and Piper, I landed date number two.  I was more excited then nervous this time and called my girlfriends to let them know that I’m back in the saddle for round two and the horse’s name was Mr. Tuesday.

Match Game

I’ve learned to be pretty damn good at dusting myself off and getting my shit together, even if I have to fake it just to get by so no one asks questions.  I reflected on the previous night’s comedy of errors.  I was proud of myself for holding my own and that after 17 years I had my first date under my belt.  I also had to laugh at the sheer audacity of Rico Suave.  The material one could be pull from that hour of suffering, could make for some serious comedy fodder on television.

After getting up that morning, I crawled outside, grabbed my crutches and looked myself over in the powder room. I scared myself a little bit as I was the poor man’s Alice Cooper.  Make-up streaked down my face, grout lines imprinted on my left cheek and my hair a mess of tangles.  I needed to get ready fast as I remembered that I was taking my daughter into Toronto to go back-to-school shopping.

I quickly called Holly to discuss last evening’s activities and she was just happy that I was safe. She said  that I needed to most definitely to kick Rico Suave to the curb if I haven’t done so already.  She also encouraged me to get back out there.  I got the ‘shitty date’ out of the way.  It can only get better moving forward, she advised.

Shopping was a great distraction.  I was pretty much back to my old self by the end of the day and made plans to see some girlfriends Monday night for dinner.

Leilani and her younger sister Piper arrive at my place for dinner Monday and after a quick tour of my new abode I rehash my date night to them over homemade chicken tacos.  They simultainiously laugh and cringe at the details.  They then ask to take a look at the dating sites I’m on and how they work.

I bust out my computer and show them Similar and eCompatability; the two sites I signed up for.  I then explain how winks and smiles worked and it then becomes a  ‘Find a Date for Curiousanyone’ game.  They each took turns picking out a dude for me to check out and if I approved then ‘we’ would send out a ‘wink’ or ‘smile’.  Little did I know that they viewed guys that not only appealed to them like ‘salsasmooh78’ or ‘steeeeeve74’ they also viewed dudes that were a certainly in the ‘not a chance in hell’ category. 

We went back between both sites and we were acting like idiot high school girls looking at the profiles and pics of assorted men.  They were horrified at how questionable some of the photos and profile write-ups were.  Then we noticed someone liked a few of my photos and that he even liked one of my CRIPPLED pics. 

So immediately we go to check out his profile.  His profile was pretty basic. Laid out in just list form of ‘I love…’  Nothing stood out but we perused his photos and THEY thought he looked decent so we collectively decided that WE should ‘wink’ at him.  Wink sent, we went to check out the other fancy dating site I was on.  I answered an email over there and my friends wanted to check back to the other site since there was a far greater plethora of men to peruse through.  Upon my return I discovered that there was an email, from the dude we sent a wink at 10 minutes earlier!! 

Needless to say my girlfriends squealed and were giddy with excitement as was I - a little. (Not gonna lie).  Now I totally had to reply back with THEIR help of course. Below is a transcript of our email interaction which unfolded in a about a 40 minute time-span late Monday evening:

Him:

Thanks for the wink…very sweet of you…

How are you?

To say I was hyperventilating a little as to how to answer was an understatement.  It took us close to 10 minutes to come up with a witty enough reply that didn’t sound too needy or serious.  Leilani noticed the famous Oscar selfie Ellen made famous and we laughed that he tried to insert his face in the image.  We opened with that…

Me:

Very jealous that you went to the Oscars this past year :P  My Photoshop skills are probably worse then yours.

I see you like to travel.  What are some of your favourite destinations you have visited?  I would love to travel more.  My dream is destinations are Paris and Cambodia.

Cheerio

I honestly did not think he would have responded so quickly so the girls and I checked the other dating site to see if the gentleman I smiled at sent something back.  Lo and behold, HE DID TOO!!  We answered the survey type questionnaire that was sent and we checked back to Similar.  There was a message waiting in my inbox!  This then prompted a screaming frenzy from Leilani and Piper.  I just laughed my ass off.

Him:

Don’t be jealous…I was a “seat filler”…auditions for that were terrible…I’ll leave it at that….

Paris is a great bucket list…I love a lot of places…sometimes home…sometimes far away…I loved Prague…I love Budapest…I love my kitchen…it all depends on the time and day…

Warm Regards

Piper was all over the ‘Warm Regards’ close of his email.  At this point in the night Leilani probably urinated about 4 times in 15 minutes, saying she was so nervous for ALL of us.  OMG!  How do we respond back?  He seemed so well travelled.  Piper, who like me was single, suggested to still keep the response light and to mention that I bake but I should end the email with something cuter then ‘Cheerio’.  I decided that I would end with a happy face emoticon.  Daring, I know.

Me:

Wow!  Those are some pretty awesome places you’ve visited, was that for business or pleasure?  I travel for leisure mostly through North America.  I do like a good road trip.

Are you a good cook?  Do you follow a recipe or do you wing it?  Like you, my kitchen is also one of my favourite destinations.  I love to cook and am a self-taught baker.  Dude I can make a totally legit croissant from scratch!  LOL!

:)

Back to eCompatibility.  Buddy over there wanted to skip straight over to direct contact via email!  Wow!  Leilani, Piper and myself were all flushed with excitement.  I accepted his invite to email then we quickly went back to see if the other gentleman responded.  Yup.  There was a message in my inbox.

Him:

Ha…laughing about the croissant part…

I have travelled everywhere…mostly for pleasure…as of late as I get older and wiser…I travel for work…

You are cute my friend…and I adore cute…

His close of ‘You are cute my friend…and I adore cute…’ caused not only heart palpitations but also screaming worthy of going to see a boy band in concert.  I was laughing and shaking at the same time.  Piper and Leilani were already swooning.  Now we knew the next response to him was critical.  We needed to make it flirty without sounding desperate.

Me:

Aww…you’re making me blush.  You are pretty handsome…and I adore handsome :)

Do you want to move this over to IM? I am a night owl…

We hit send and at this point we had long forgotten about the buddy over at the other site.  At this point in the evening the girls were peppering their sentences with the word ‘adore’ like it was going out of style.  The entire evening felt like I was at a high school sleepover.  Hilarious.  Then we immediately noticed there was a reply.

Him:

Would you just prefer my number?

HOLY FUCK!  The girls were jostling me around like a rag doll now and fanning themselves acting like pure idiots.

Me:

Sure.  I’d love to chat with you…

I am grinning like a Cheshire cat right now.

Him:

Okie dokie…

He emails me his digits and I IMMEDIATELY usher my friends out the door so that I can chirp with my new friend without distraction.  We all agree that it was one of the BEST NIGHTS ever hanging out.  I hugged and kissed them and said I ‘ADORED’ them to no end and I would give them the 411 ASAP.  Just “Get the fuck out of my house already bitches!”  I said jokingly.

I wave them good-bye as they drive away.  Lock my front door and literally skip towards my phone.  It’s 10:34pm when I call his number…