Pon Da Replay

The very first thing I did when I closed the door was totally take a post-sex selfie and posted that shit-eating grin on my Facebook page with the caption, “Good motherfucking morning world!”

I now had to give my favourite bitches the play-by-play of the night because of course, that’s what girls do and I was DYING to just physically talk with someone about my indiscretion. 

Below are my actual text exchanges between my girlfriends over a two-hour time frame from when Mr. Tuesday dropped me off at home:

ME:

Mr. Tuesday is driving me home from his place…

JENN:

Shut up!!!!!  Did you guys do it!!!!!  Stop holding out on me!!!!!!!  Tell me!!!!!

ME:

Are you up?

JENN:

You ass!  I know you want to tell me!  Call me quick!!!!!!

LEILANI:

What!!!  Good for you!!!  Need the deets!!!  Who?  What?  When?  Where?

ME:

Call me….

PIPER:

WHAT?????  With who????  Mr. Tuesday???

ME:

Yes.
PIPER:

LOL!! Amazing!  Good for you girl!

MIRANDA:

I assume you saw Mr. Tuesday?

ME:

I went to his place at 1:30 in the morning.  He called to chirp and he dared me to come over…so I did.  Serviced TWICE!

MIRANDA:

Omg, u had better have a nap

ME:

I need to brush my teeth first then I’ll sleep.   He did after all impregnate my mouth.  Hahaha!!

MIRANDA:

Sweet dreams girlfriend!!

  

SASH:

HAHA!  Love it….Mr. Tuesday?

ME:

Yup.

CARRIE:

WHAT?

ME:

TWICE in one night!

CARRIE:

Nice….was it good sex?  Did he have a nice dick?

ME:

I didn’t enjoy it as much as I thought I would.  I had an anxiety attack in the middle of him fucking me the first time because I had body image issues with myself.  He does have a nice dick.  He manscapes.  I let him impregnate my mouth!

CARRIE:

Well if you were so nervous and have been pleasuring yourself for a while then it may take some time.

I love that my girlfriends never once made me feel slutty for the out-of-the-blue crazy shit I just pulled.  Virtual pats on the back was what I got and I was so thoroughly amused by that.

The very last person I got in touch with was Holly.  She by far was THE most excited about my encounter and made me belly laugh like no one’s business via text.

ME: 

My vagina was serviced last night… TWICE!!!

HOLLY:

Shut the fuck up!!!!  Shut the fuck up!!!!  BY WHO????!!!!!!  OMGEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

ME:

Mr. Tuesday

HOLLY:

Way to go Girlfriend!!!  How was it??  Was it amazing??  Do you feel awesome??  Tell me, tell me!!

ME:

I had an anxiety attack for the first time we went for it.  Body hang-ups and shit.  By the time we did it the second time it was better but I didn’t enjoy as much as I should.  He fucked my mouth good ‘tho.

HOLLY:

Wait a second.  Any 40+ year old man who can service a vajayjay more than once in a night is a fuckin’ hero.  Just saying.  Ahhhhh… I kinda love that you had this wild wild sexcapade.

ME:

Me too

HOLLY:

Free your mind girl… let the jizz clear your soul!!  So, so, are we friends with Mr. Tuesday, or just fucking Mr. Tuesday, or seeing where it goes.  Damn Gurl – I’m fuckin’ excited you got LAID!!!  We should celebrate!!!

ME:

It was a total booty call night.  I went to his place at 1:30 in the morning!!!  He dared me to come over.  He didn’t think I would actually show up.

HOLLY:

Haha!!  Good for you Girl.  You know what you want.  You go for it!!

ME:

I think we’re gonna end up with a friend with benefits situation.  I’m not putting my eggs in one basket.

HOLLY:

That’s good too tho…

ME:

And neither is he

HOLLY:

You need it.  Sex is an amazing euphoric release that you need girl.  And it gets all the jitters out and works out the kinks!!  Ain’t nothing wrong with FWB.

ME:

I know, I just gotta get over my body image hang-ups.

HOLLY:

Just don’t get emotionally attached and you are GOOD!!  This should help.

  

ME:

Call me later tonight and I can totally spill the deets properly!!!  So so dying to tell you!!

  

HOLLY:

Making a man feel good.  Or letting a man love your body (and do it good) is what you need!!  I will, I will.  I fuckin’ love you.  Way to GO !!  You get on wit your bad ass self!!  Boot-TAY Licious!!

ME:

Fucking Love Love Love YOU!!

HOLLY:

100 million times ditto

I then send her a shameless selfie with the caption, “Me, waiting in his car as he gets Starbucks for the drive home”

HOLLY:

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!  That looks like an amazing after sex up all night selfie.  Damn Gurl – You Fine!!!  It’s your ‘Sorta been Fucked’ photo!

ME:

OMG YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!

HOLLY:

Loves It

ME:

I fucking reek of cologne and sex.  SO AWESOME!  Holy Fuck!  I just looked in the mirror and I have scratch marks running the length of my back!!

HOLLY:

Damn Gurl – He rough!!! (And you were obvi that good!!!  Made him pounce!!!  Rawwrrrrr!!!)  Damn!!  I think you should name him Tony the Tiger!  LOL

No joke, after speaking with my friends I totally felt like a damn rock star.  I also felt confident that I could swing the whole FWB thing.  That I can separate mind from body.  I like fucking…well actually I like everything that leads up to fucking…the actual intercourse is always just meh for me. 

However I remembered what Carrie told me, that it’s been so long since someone else pleasured me that it would take some time for me to fully enjoy sex.  I also needed to work on my body image issues.  That shit haunts me on the regular.  Either way I fucked a dude on my own terms and was COMPLETELY fine with it. 

I just wondered what Mr. Tuesday thought our late night tryst.  I’d NEVER contact him of course to find out.  I just hoped that IF we ever met up again he would tell me if I was decent or not.  I know for dudes, that sex - even if it’s bad- is still good sex.  I was just happy that he was a total gentleman from beginning to end, so no harm no foul should he not contact me again.

Total bounce in my hobble the ENTIRE day, that is until I called an old friend to relay my news….

Just Jump

Mr. Tuesday calling late wasn’t anything surprising.  Most of our conversations happen after 10pm anyways.  It was really nice knowing there was someone who actually wanted to talk and get to know me.  We were becoming friends, which I liked very much.  Like I said, he was way too charming and funny NOT to want to keep.

We made standard polite chitchat then in his typically charming fashion he cracked one of his terribly cheesy jokes and I cringed and laughed at the same time.  We started talking about our first date and how we were both very remorseful about it ending a little too prematurely.  I told him that he was a great kisser and that I could have done SO MUCH more.  He agreed.  We both sighed at the same time then silence…

In my mind I was recalling that night and imagining all the things that would have happened had I stayed longer.  I pressed my thighs together and felt myself getting tight down there.  I pipe up and say with hopeful questioning…

ME:

I’m okay with the whole friends with benefits thing if that’s what you want. 

HIM:

Yeah, yeah…we could do that.  That’s fine…friends…that mouth of yours….mmm…

Mr. Tuesday’s voice got a little low and husky now.

We sexually teased each other back and forth again about what we liked.  Hot and bothered doesn’t even begin to describe how I was feeling now.  My lower lip was raw from biting and my panties completely soaked.

HIM:

You should come to my place.

He jokingly said.

ME:

Uhhh…I think you should come to mine.  I’ve already been to your place.

HIM:

My place is better.

ME:

WHY?  What is it about a dude’s place that makes it better?

HIM:

It’s just better.  Guys just like being in their space.  Ha…you gonna come over?

I was giggling now.

ME:

NO!  It’s really late but fucker, you made me totally horny, you bastard.

HIM:

Awww…come on….come over…

It was now almost one in the morning.  I knew that it was very late.  I knew that he was completely teasing me about coming over.  I knew that I wanted to see him again to feel his lips against mine - amongst other things on my body. The cogs in my head suddenly spun in a completely different direction and clicked into a place very uncharacteristic of me.  I have no clue what made me so bold to say I what I said next…

ME:

Okay.  I’ll come over.

HIM:

Wait…WHAT?

ME:

I said yeah.  I’ll come over.  I need your address.

HIM:

Are you being serious?

ME:

Yes.  Don’t you want me to come over?

HIM:

Fuck.  Of course!

ME:

Okay.  I’m going to get ready.  See you soon.

I hung up before I could change my mind.  Then I realized that he never gave me his address, so I text him.  He immediately calls me back instead.

ME:

Hey…I need your address fucker.

HIM:

I’m not sure this is a good idea.

ME:

Why?  Is it because it’s so late?

HIM:

No.  I just don’t want to make it weird between us.  The friendship is important to me.

My shoulders slump in disappointment.

ME:

Okay…if that’s what you want.  I don’t want to make it weird between us either but I’m totally okay with friends with benefits…you know that….but that’s fine…it’s all good.

Damn.  Sigh.

HIM:

It’s not that I don’t want you…it’s just…(long pause)…it’s just that I don’t believe it would be respectful because I think the world of you.

Always a gentleman that fucker.

ME:

I’m 100% okay with the friends with benefits thing, but if it will make our friendship weird then don’t worry about it.  It’s all good…I understand.

HIM:

Umm…I think…hmmm…you know what…FUCK IT.  Just come over.  Even if nothing happens we can just cuddle in bed.

HOLY SHIT. 

ME:

Okay…but it’s alright if you don’t want me to come over. It’s totally fine.  I don’t want it to be weird between us.

HIM:

No…no…just come over.  It’s fine.

ME:

Okay text me your address and I should be at your place in about half an hour.

HIM:

Okay.  See ya soon.

HOLY FUCK!  I’m really gonna do this.  I’m going to his place in the middle of the night.  This is fucking CRAZY!  MENTAL!

Okay.  Breathe.  Deep breaths.  You just jumped off a cliff and are waiting to fly or crash.  Which one is it going to be girl?

WAIT!  FUUUUUCCCKKKK!

When one hasn’t engaged in any intimate physical activity in over 2 years there really isn’t a point in doing any kind of maintenance down the vagina way.  Now, with the possibility of that looming in less than an hour, one is in a desperate scramble to correct that severe oversight.

I quickly make my way to my ensuite and pray to God that I have razors.  Please, please…PLEASE!!!  I check the cupboard under the sink and collapse with tears of joy in my eyes when I see that there are still three brand new razors left.

I have never in my life spread my legs open and mowed the lawn so fast down there.  It was almost like watching a time-lapse video in ultra high speed.  I went through all THREE razors! It was THAT bad.  I pretty much shaved an Ewok off my crotch once I looked at the floor of my tub.

I put on a pair of cute panties, fitted dark jeans and a floral print deep V-neck cap sleeve top with NO bra-so classy I know-and a yellow cardigan.   Spritzed some perfume onto my cleavage, piled my hair into a bun and waited for the cab to arrive.

What I was doing to so incredibly uncharacteristic of me I was trying to reason with myself on the ride over.  I completely ignored all warning signs that what I was doing was a mistake.  That I wasn’t ready for anything close to this nature.  That bad shit is gonna come from it.  He’s practically a complete stranger.  I kicked those thoughts under the proverbial rug.  Just fucking live!   Enjoy the moment of spontaneity.  Just fuck it and hopefully him as well.  HA!

I text Mr. Tuesday to let him know I was on my way.

ME:

I am en route…if you feel weird about me coming over tell me now…I’m a big girl…

HIM:

It’s fine…

Phew. 

HIM:

Close?

ME:

I’m approaching your street…

HIM:

Okay…I’ll warn the neighbourhood

ME:

Hahahahaha!!!

HIM:

Snipers…Where are you?!

ME:

Fuck you!!!

HIM:

Ha!

Count on Mr. Tuesday for being consistently charming.  His comical texts put me somewhat at ease.  It wasn’t until I stepped out of the cab and walked into his building I began to have a SERIOUS anxiety attack.  

As I rode the elevator up to his floor I began to feel extremely light headed and began to dry heave.  Fuck me.  Not now!!!  I hobbled out and leaned my forehead against the cool metal doorframe of the elevator.  I closed my eyes and fought back the need to vomit.  I took four big breaths...in and out...then took four more, wiped the sweat off my brows and upper lip, gulped down the bile, straightened my back and tried to look as composed as I could.  I turned the corner and made my way down the hallway.

Mr. Tuesday opened the door to his place when I was about halfway down the hall.  I felt my chest tighten just a little bit when I saw him.  He looked adorable all barefoot in his grey plaid pajama bottoms and fitted grey T-shirt, eyes bright with an impish smirk on his face. 

HOLY FUCK.   This is really happening.

I giggled out a “Hey…” As he stepped aside and let me in...

Beneficial Understanding

HIM:

You okay? 

ME:

Yes…of course…Why?

HIM:

Just checking up…

Okay so now I was a little more than curious as to why he would want to check-up on me.  I needed to speak with him.

ME:

Can I call you?

HIM:

Call me what?

ME:

Hahahaha…silly boy!

HIM:

Yes…But for just a bit…I’m going to go for a run…unless later…I’m easy…

ME:

Call me after…have a good run you lucky bastard with two legs…FYI…I already know that you’re easy…BAM…fuck you… :)

HIM:

Some say I have three...you go fuck yourself... :)

ME:

Well…We’ll see about that…

HIM:

Ha…Maybe you will…maybe you won’t…

ME:

My mouth is your loss then…okay fuck off and go for your run…call me later

HIM:

Ha…Touché…

Playful Mr. Tuesday got in touch with me.  This was our banter when we spoke on the phone the first time.  This is what enamoured me to him in the first place.  To say I was pleasantly surprised was an understatement.  Butterflies of all kinds were wreaking havoc in my belly and we were only texting. 

Damn him, that fucker.

I immediately text Holly and let her know that Mr. Tuesday got in touch with me.  I forward my text exchange with him to her.

HOLLY:

LMAO.  You two are cute.  I love it!

ME:

Was it too much?

HOLLY:

Nah.  Never too much.  He kept it going too.  You two are funny.  I like the friendship behind the potential for romance and sex.  It’s something more solid then sexting.  LOL!

ME:

Me too!  He’s so fucking charming.

HOLLY:

I like that he’s like…You OK?...I’m just checking.  LOL!  CUTE.

ME:

I’ll let you know how tonight’s conversation goes.  I know that he has a lunch date tomorrow which I am totally not bothered by.

HOLLY:

As you shouldn’t be.  You’re still trolling sites too—but for now Mr. Tuesday is a fun ‘side piece’ until or if it becomes more.  :)  You go girl!!!

Ahhhh…you can always count on your girlfriends to put things into perspective.  I was too embarrassed to admit to Holly that I was doing a happy dance of joy when I got that text back.  It was HELLA flattering for me that he even gave me a second thought at all!

Later that night we spoke briefly before he told me he was headed out for what I assumed was another date.  He assured me that it wasn’t and I assured him that I didn’t care what he did in his own time.  I told him to enjoy himself.  Our conversation lasted 5 minutes. 

A little over 90 minutes later he sent me a text letting me know he had a crappy night.  I asked why and then he called me.  We spoke that night until almost 2am.  Oh man did we ever laugh when were talking.  It made me enamoured to him.   Mr. Tuesday also asked why I never got in touch with him post date.  I told him I never expected him to get back to me considering he was a man-whore an all.  I explained that I wanted nothing serious. Same as him. ‘Just fun.’   In my mind I remembered my girlfriends telling me that good girls don’t chase.  That is the dude’s job.  I was also trying to protect myself from developing any sort of attachment to this man however talking to him was making that EXTREMELY difficult.  Mr. Tuesday was so easy going and we didn’t even have to talk about sex…until later in our conversation.

HIM:

I had a fun with you that night.

ME:

Me too.  I REALLY enjoyed myself.  You’re a very good kisser.  I kinda regret leaving early that night.

HIM:

Yeah.  I thought so too.  The night seemed unfinished…

ME:

Yeah, right?  I wouldn’t have slept with you BUT I’m sure I could have done more…with my mouth. 

BAM!  I opened the door now…

ME:

I went home very ahh…in need of relief.

{Blush.}

HIM:

Oh fuck.  I was so horny after you left.  I jerked off thinking about you.

Thus began our talk about all things that we prefer during sex.  I told him I prefer ‘giving’ then ‘receiving’.  He explained that one of his favourite things is to go down on a woman.  I know ladies that you think I’m mental because who doesn’t love a good burger munch but I honestly don’t get that much satisfaction from it.  I think that things changed when I had my clitoral piercing years ago—YUP - I did get my lady bits pierced and now only ‘I’ can take cake of business down in that nether region proper.   He suggested that I should let him try one day and to give him ‘the tap’ should I want him to stop.  I laughed my ass off at that.

Damn that Mr. Tuesday for being so bloody funny and charming.  Fucker.

We established that we should try “friends with benefits”. This was all new to me so why the fuck not?  I agreed.  I’m sure I would learn a thing or two from him, which I could possibly carry on to my next encounter.  I remember Holly telling me that I need at least three dicks in me then I could get serious.  I countered with five.  I know…very overly ambitious of me but a girl’s gotta dream, right?

I have no clue how the whole “friends with benefits” thing actually works but I was enjoying my time chirping with Mr. Tuesday.  I would let him take the lead on that.  I think that he is too charming NOT to have as a new friend, even if the sex never happens.  Everyone in my life who ever made me belly laugh is keepers in my books.  He should stick around regardless, even if only to hear about his ‘sexcapades’.

Like I mentioned earlier, we spoke until almost 2am and my panties were soaking wet by the time I hung up the phone.  I ended up having to take a L-O-N-G shower again post phone call.  God, I love my detachable shower head!!!!!

Mr. Tuesday and I texted on and off for another week.  Nothing overly flirtatious.  Just basic stuff;  “How’s it going?  How was your day?”  Then one night, nine days after our first date he called me just after 11:30pm…

Catch and Release

The previous night’s events felt like a dream.  It was kind of surreal to me that I could have such an amazing experience a mere forty-eight hours after an EXTREMELY shitty one. 

I went to bed that night a tad hot and bothered but I have a detachable showerhead so this bitch was well taken care of.  Let’s put it this way, I completely ran out of hot water.  I was in the shower for THAT long.  I’m pretty sure I could have written an erotic novel that would have made Christian Grey blush had I put pen to paper that night.  Nipping, kissing, sucking, blowing, moaning, panting, scratching…fuuuucck me.

I slept well.  Probably better then I have in a long damn time and I woke up in a totally amazing mood. I had the ‘day after sex’ face but with no sex.  Did my rounds of texting and calling my lady friends to give them the play-by-play of the night.  They were all impressed that he was the epitome of the perfect gentleman.  They were also ultra pleased I snagged a pretty sweet make-out sesh. 

Everyone asked me if I would hear from him again.  I confidently said, “No.”  Dude is a player.  Sure I liked him but there was no way in hell I had any intention of getting attached.  I was grateful for the whole experience that night and that was the most important thing for me.  I was totally content with the one single date.  I felt awesome at the end of it and had zero expectations.  No over-thinking, just living the moment for exactly what it was.

I had mentally prepared myself not to think about Mr. Tuesday again.  There was no point.  He was a man-whore and I was too new to this whole dating game thing.  That date was a total fluke anyways.  It was via the sheer curiosity of Leilani and Piper that the stars aligned for Mr. Tuesday to connect and meet.

I just allowed myself to bask in the afterglow and it was bloody awesome.  Like I said, I got a little confidence back thanks to Mr. Tuesday.

As predicted, I never heard from him the day after our date.  Perfectly fine.  I had stored him away in the proverbial box in my head, to only be brought out on those days when my self-loathing was at an all-time high.  I’m getting a little better at not hating myself so much, but I’m a constant work in progress when it comes to feeling ‘whole’. 

I’m not saying I need a man to reassure me of my worth but I have to admit nothing fuels the ego or gives one confidence like a man letting you know that you are pretty and desirable.  What woman doesn’t want a handsome stranger to sweep her off her feet - or in my case foot - for even a few hours??

I had pretty much shelved that proverbial box away in my head even though a small part of me wanted it left out just a teeny bit longer.  It didn’t help that my friends hounded me on why I wasn’t concerned about him getting in touch with me again.  I reminded them and especially myself that I didn’t care about him.  I cared about the experience, as I am sure Mr. Tuesday had the same mantra.  Yes, I admit I felt a little surge of connection being with him but I had to be a realist and kill that shit.  No sense in ‘catching feelings’ for someone I just met, particularly a worldly gentleman of his nature.  I’m just a distraction.  I had to make sure he was the same for me.

Two days later in the middle of the day Mr. Tuesday sent me a text…

Business Meeting

Holy shit.  Holy shit.  HOLY FUCKING SHIT!

I’m trying my best to look calm and collected but seeing as I have never been put in such a situation, I’m in a slight panic.  I’ve never had a boy take me back to ‘their’ place.  How does one act?  What does one do?  Well… aside from the obvious but I’m not even sure if I’m even ready for the obvious.  Fuck. 

“Can I get you a drink?” he calls from around the corner in his kitchen.

“Water please.”

Part of me wants more alcohol to help me relax but then I act slutty, which may not necessarily be a bad thing but I decide right now it’s important to keep my wits about me.  I appreciate that he didn’t harp on me about not having a stronger beverage.  Nice guy.

I comment that his place is very ‘manly’.  Spacious with lots of dark browns, the walls are dotted with images of cityscapes.  New York City in particular.  For sure no woman has had a hand in decorating this place.  

He mentioned on the walk over that he had a jukebox.  Interesting.  I hobble over to take a closer look at it.  I hear clinking ice against glass behind me and turn around.  He hands me my water.  Icy cold against my sweaty hand, I immediately bring the glass to my mouth and nurse it.  The water smarts my lower lip, raw from chewing.

“Do you want to listen to something?” He asks before he sips his drink and steps close enough to me that his fingers tickle my left hand.  Holy shivers!  I smile, giggle and nod all the while; my glass is pressed to my lips taking tiny sips of the icy water.  I pull the cup away from my mouth and watch him as he turns the jukebox on and finds a song. 

I’m not familiar with the tune but am amused that he sings a few lines out loud to me.  He’s so close that I wonder if he can hear how fast my heart is racing.  I’m crunching on a piece of ice and I’m looking at his mouth.  He moves even closer that my chest ever so lightly presses against his.  I look up at him through my lashes and I giggle nervously.  I can tell he knows what I want. 

Kiss.  Me.  Please.

His kiss was slow but chaste.  Mr. Tuesday picked up that I was nervous.  Shit.  I should have never told him my stupid quirk.  He pulls back, his eyes search mine for approval.  I take a quick sip of my water and without hesitation I place my parted mouth back on his.  I made it clear the type of kiss I wanted, full and deep.  My tongue was cold from the sip of water I just had and it was an exquisite torture to have the heat from his dissipate the chill in mine.

FUCK YEAH! With being assertive, and FUCK ME! That was a good kiss!  I’m leaning more towards wanting the ‘obvious’ to happen now.

He takes my drink and I follow him towards the couch.  I’m feeling all weird, tingly and now I know some ‘business’ is going to happen on that couch.  Will there be a merger, a small acquisition or a quick meeting?  I don’t know…I don’t know.  I start to panic again.  I then realize that since I’ve been with him he has kept his hands to himself.  Only touching me when I touched him.  He was the complete opposite of Rico Suave but actually handsome.  He’s a nice guy.  Perfect gentleman so far. 

He places our drinks on the coffee table and sits down.  I follow and think I need a little liquid courage.

“May I have a sip of your drink?”

“Help yourself.”

I take a swig and realize it’s one of the drinks I despise from my days out clubbing ‘till you puke.  I try my best to hide my disdain and I hear my phone buzzing like a time tomb in my purse.

“Sorry. I have to check my phone.  Everyone knows I’m out tonight and they just want to check in on me.” I say as I chase down the drink with the rest of my water.

“No…no…of course.  Check your phone.  Tell them where you are by all means.  It’s good that you’re checking in.”

This guy is a scoring points left, right and centre with me right now.  So fucking nice.

I check my phone and I have text messages waiting to be read.

JENN:

Are u ok….we went back and u weren’t there…OMFG…R U OK…GIVE ME A SIGN…SERIOUSLY…Are you making out????

CARRIE:

Sooooooo???....Oooooohhhhhh…ok be safe…did you kiss him???

HOLLY:

Don’t do anything you don’t want to or that I wouldn’t do…LOL.  Enjoy!!!!!  XO

LEILANI:

Yo!  You still out?  How’s it going??  Spill the beans!!!!!

PIPER:

Woo!  Hoo!  How’s it going?...Only do what you want to do and nothing more!!!  ;P

SASH:

Sooooo….I’m dying to know how it’s going.  Don’t stay up too late!

Honestly.  I really am lucky to have these great bitches as friends.  

I send them all texts to let them know I’m back at his place.  What a mistake.  This only caused an immediate second wave of texts and emoticons which I ignored.  I figure I’ll get back to them later once my ‘business meeting’ on the couch was over.  I also thought there was only so much I could do to stall and collect myself from my nerves.  I shut my phone off and bury myself in the couch pillows.

“Everything okay?  Can I get you anything else?”  He squeezes my left hand in his.

“More water please.” I squeak out.

I knew EXACTLY what was going happen when he sat back down here.  Holy fuck. I did my best to take in a few deep breaths without him noticing and smiled politely when he came back with my water.  I took the glass and downed the whole thing in one shot. 

He asks me to come closer so I could lean against his chest.  Oh no.  He’s for sure gonna feel how fast my heart is beating.  I oblige and he wraps his arm around me and I rest my head on his chest.  His smell is intoxicating and I close my eyes when he speaks in his perfect baritone.  We talk about music as we’re listening to it and he belts out a few more lines from another song I don’t know.  I lift my head to look at him in amusement. 

Our eyes connect and like magnets our mouths meet.  We kissed so deep I felt it in the pit of my stomach.  I bit his lower lip when I felt his hands in my hair.  He tugged just a little and I think I moaned into his mouth as his tongue danced against mine. O-M-G!!  My body was humming. Everything felt so good.  He kissed his way down to the hollow of my neck to my collarbone.  I felt my nipples straining against my bra.  I was aching for him to touch and kiss me there.  He nibbled his way back to my mouth and pecked my lips once, twice, three times before he pulled away.

“You okay?  Am I going too fast?” He whispered low in my ear, his nose nuzzling my neck before looking at me.

I crinkled my nose at him, bit my lower lip and nodded that I was fine.  My mind was going berserk with all the things I wanted to do to him.  What I wanted him to do to me!  Then I remembered this was only a first date and I’m pretty sure the ONLY date I’ll have with this guy.  Dudes like him don’t go out with the same girl twice.

We talked about dating and he said that he liked me too much to sleep with me tonight.  BOLD.  I told him that I’m a lot harder to get then he thinks.  He joked that he would have me by the second date between dinner and dessert.  I laughed out loud.  YEAH RIGHT BUDDY! 

“Seriously.  We don’t work out…I want to be friends with you.  You’re interesting.”

“Sure.” 

Friends with benefits I’m sure, I thought to myself.  Not that I had a problem with it.  I did want to sow my wild oats after all.   I wasn’t sure how sincere he was in that statement, but at least he put it out there and it was nice gesture.

We stare at each other for just a beat.

Fuck it.  I told myself.

I decide to be bold and kiss him first.  Hard and with purpose and move this ‘business meeting’ on the couch to an ‘acquisition’ and I let my hand wander towards his belt…

Chirp Session

Not sure what possessed me to be so bold and just immediately call without any hesitation or pretense.  Maybe it was all the foolish adrenaline I was feeding off of post visit with Leilani and Piper.

Ring.  Ring.

Him:

Hello?

He has a nice voice.  A perfect baritone.  Eeek…butterflies!

Me:

Hi.  How are you?

He giggles.

Him:

Wow.  Wasn’t expecting you to call so soon.

Oh shit.

Me:

You gave me your number.

Him:

Hahaha…It’s fine.  I just thought you would give me a text first.

Oops. 

Me:

Oh.  Well kinda late for that now isn’t it?

So began our telephone date.  He was a well-educated professional with a successful career.  I think he was a little tipsy when we were talking and thusly just a little manic BUT that didn’t bother me.  He was funny as hell.  We had a really good playful banter going.  He asked me about my current love life.  I told him I’m not looking for anything serious.  I just want to date and have some fun.  He asked what my marital situation was.  I said separated.

He told me that he doesn’t date women who are separated but that, “There’s something about you that makes me want to know more.” We talked and laughed and then a little over an hour later he said he had to go.  He suggested that we should meet one day.  I told him to let me know and then we called our phone date a night.  I immediately called Leilani and gave her the 411.  We spoke for about 15 minutes when I noticed that he was trying to call me on the other line.  I politely told Leilani to fuck off so I could take the call.  She laughed and wished me luck. 

When I answered, it was quarter to midnight.  He told me that it didn’t feel right that we stopped talking so soon.  HOLY FUCK!  Blush city!!!  We discussed my amputation and he told me that he didn’t care about it.  That I was still “beautiful” in my photos. Swoon.  He then got a little serious and said what he was about to tell me may change my opinion about him and that I may not want to continue but he wanted to be clear and truthful with me. 

He proceeded to tell me that he was a ‘man-whore’.  That was it?  The revelation wasn’t shocking BUT it was in the realm of what was acceptable to me.  Who am I to judge?  To be honest, I was a little jealous.  I wish I was experienced.  Seems a shame that I so badly want to sow my wild oats now when everything is sagging and that I have an appendage missing.

Not once during our phone conversation was there any talk of anything overtly sexual.  We just laughed at his bad jokes and talked about our mutual interests in art and culture.  We spoke until 1:15am!  I was the one who had to go this time.  I wanted to take a shower before bed.  Again before we let each other go he suggested that we meet.  I again told him to let me know when works best for him and to call or text me.

 When I got out of the shower, I noticed there was a text message on my phone.  IT WAS FROM HIM!!!  He still wanted to talk with me!!!  I let him call me back and we finally pinned down a date and time to meet.  We would meet later today—since it was technically already early Tuesday.  He offered to call in and spend the day with me should I desire but I would have to meet up at 10:30am…AT HIS PLACE! 

Yeah right!!  After the fiasco that was with Rico Suave there was no fucking way I was putting myself in a situation where I didn’t have much control.  I told him his gesture was very charming but I already had daytime plans.  I suggested that we meet for coffee.  I’m NEVER doing dinner again after what happened on Saturday.  He agreed and we planned to meet at the Starbucks in his neighbourhood.  By the time we settled all the details it was 2:17am!!  I purred out my goodnight to him and he in turn huskily bid me adieu.

I went to bed that night smiling.  I woke up just after 7am to a text.

Him:

Morning…I think the world of you…

No wonder this guy was a man-whore!  He knows EXACTLY how to reel us bitches in!!  I was kind of pleased that his first thought in the morning after speaking only mere hours ago, were of me.  SQUEE!!!

Me:

Good morning…looking forward to meeting you…

Him:

Same…have a great day…see you soon...

Forty-eight hours after disaster date number one, with the help of Leilani and Piper, I landed date number two.  I was more excited then nervous this time and called my girlfriends to let them know that I’m back in the saddle for round two and the horse’s name was Mr. Tuesday.

Baptism By Fire Part Three

I got super nervous again all of a sudden but not for the reason that one would think.  I was nervous about Rico Suave watching me hobble out of the restaurant.  There is ZERO attraction to this dude but the fact that he has to see me and my disability in action bothered the hell out of me.  It made me feel I was not enough, even for someone like him.

He didn’t even open the fucking doors for me himself.  He used the handicapped buttons on the doors and ONLY because I approached the doors first, well before he did.  One of them didn’t even work so I had to open the door MYSELF!

As I followed him to his car, he made a comment about the fact I wouldn’t be able to stop him from touching me if he wanted to because I was busy using my crutches.   He then proceeded to grab my ass.  I knew right then I was totally fucked once I got into his car.  I wasn’t scared more then I was annoyed.  I knew he was planning on fully unleashing his Rico Suave moves on me.  I knew I could beat the shit out of him with my crutches! 

I roll dough by hand for a living, so my pipes were bigger then his.  Fear of something really bad happening to me wasn’t an issue.  This bitch can take care of herself.

Shockingly he opened the car door for me and I immediately grabbed my phone as a precautionary measure.  He grabs my left hand in his as we drive off.  I try to wiggle my hand free and I look at him and say, “How do you think the night is going to end?”  He finally lets go and says, “I don’t know but I had a really good time with you tonight.  How do you think it’s gonna end?”  I let him know that it was very nice to meet him (LIE) and that he gets a handshake from me, that’s how the night is going to end.

Rico Suave looks at me with shock and disappointment.  I also tell him that there is no way in hell he is coming inside my house.  One would think that was a telltale sign that the date was a dud.  Nope.  Dude had the balls to actually park the car on my driveway.  My seatbelt was already off and I had already opened the car door dying to make my escape. 

I thank him again for a ‘nice’ evening and offer a handshake.  He takes my hand and pulls me in for a hug and then BAM!  Rico Suave shoves his tongue into my mouth!!

He wasn’t a horrible kisser but I was practically barrel-rolling out of the car to get away from him.  One would think it would be best not to put the ‘moves’ on.  I made the mistake of placing my hand on his shoulder to push him away and bite his lower lip to get him to extract his tongue from my mouth. 

My complete inexperience in the art of saying ‘good-bye’ showed, because when I pulled away and attempted to say, “I have to g….” Yes.  That’s right Rico Suave only pulled me back into him and intensified his kiss.  I didn’t even have the chance to say the word ‘go’ for fuck’s sake!!  I shoved him off me and got the hell out of the car, slammed the door and got the inside my house as quickly as I could.

I then immediately called my friend Carrie and told her I was coming over.  She asked if I was okay.  I said ‘yes’ and hopped on my scooter and booted it to her house.  As I was making my way to Carrie’s I get a text from Rico Suave.

Him: 

Did you panic when I kissed you?

Me: 

No.  Why?

Him: 

You just left really quickly.  I think you’re hot BTW.  We have chemistry.  I’m still close by.  Do you want me to come back?

Seriously.  The motherfucking balls on this guy!!! 

Me:

No.  Go home.

I wanted to add “You fucking pervy cheap bastard!” to the end of the text but Rico Suave wasn’t worth anymore of my time.

I got to Carrie’s place and she immediately got me a Mango-rita and asked me again if I was okay.  I reassured her that I was then gave her the play by play of the evening.  She was horrified that I paid for dinner.  She then asked me if I regretted going.

“As bleak as the date itself was, I know that I am capable of engaging in conversation and I wasn’t a complete idiot.  I also got kissed for the third time in my entire life.  It may have been unwelcome and the LEAST romantic, but someone kissed me.”

“Nice!” Carrie says happily.  “Now you won’t be so nervous the next time.”

Lucky for me Sharknado 2 was making it’s premiere that night and I stayed over to see what all the hype was about.  I laughed my ass off with her family before I headed home for the evening.

When I walked through my door after getting home from Carrie’s place, I cried.  I crumpled onto the floor and sobbed in the foyer of my new place.  Alone.  I hated online dating.  I hated that you are judged on the way you look.  My whole life my look wasn’t good enough.  I was the fat funny girl.  Fun to hang out with but not to kiss goodnight.   No boy liked me in high school.  I never posed for my high school grad photos or went to prom for fuck’s sake because I didn’t feel pretty enough compared to everyone else.  College was the same.  I was actually surprised I managed to get married, but that ship has sailed.  To start from scratch at forty and be disabled amplifies every last insecurity I have about myself.  In the world of online dating looks aren’t everything.  It’s the ONLY thing and I certainly don’t have that.  

I fell asleep that night in the hallway like a dog, my pretty white dress and make-up ruined and I had thrown my crutches out on the porch with disgust.