Baptism By Fire Part Two

Holy fuck.  Holy fuck.  Holy fuck.  I’m not ready for this.

He’s smaller then I thought.  He’s got a bit of a Beetlejuice head.  Little.

Shit. Shit.  Shit.  He noticed me.  He’s walking towards me.

Smile.  Smile girl.  SMILE AND BREATHE.

I shake his hand.  He has really little hands.  Why isn’t he letting go of my hand?  Why is he grabbing my other hand as he sits down?  Say something.  Stop smiling.  SAY FUCKING SOMETHING!!!!

“Hi.  You smell nice and I like your shirt.” 

I read somewhere one should always offer a compliment when first meeting someone.  I just don’t understand why he’s NOT letting go of my hands.  I reach for what’s left of my red wine sangria and he finally lets go of my hands I take a sip that pretty much empties my glass. 

Rico Suave didn’t even acknowledge my compliment.  He stared at me then looked under the table super quick to see the rest of my outfit before opening his mouth to speak.

“So what do you want to know?”

Kill me.  Seriously.  He looks under the table and that’s the first thing he says to me?  WTF???

I quietly sigh.  Rico Suave is a creep.  However because I am too fucking nice and felt bad that he drove so far to meet me I decide that I will give him the benefit of the doubt and hope his demeanour improves once we talk face-to-face a little more.  I’m still nervous but I think, ‘new experience…I’m learning on the fly…I can do this’. 

I ask him how his drive across town was and ask how his evening was the night before.  He answers then after we order a bunch of appetizers he says to me, “You look really pretty.”  I don’t take the compliment in high regard considering that he didn’t say it to me right away.  I smile the fakest smile I could muster and call the server over and order another drink.  In hindsight I should have initiated my back-up plan at this point but the kind bitch that I am says give it a little more time.

I order another red wine sangria.  The server smiles a knowing smile at me.

“So what else?” Rico Suave says.  He has yet to ask anything about me. 

Granted looks aren’t everything.  I of all people should know that, but because he is lacking in general social skills I hate his face. 

Our appetizers arrive.  I close my eyes so it looks like the grilled calamari I’m eating is the best shit ever but really I’m trying to regain my composure. (The calamari is rubbery as fuck BTW) I ask him to tell me more about his trip to New York then FINALLY the guy starts to talk and ask me questions!  We start to debate food joints and I deduce he’s not the foodie he claimed to be.  Please fucker, if you can’t name three James Beard award-winning Chefs, restaurants or at least two Thomas Keller joints and how he’s the American Culinary Godfather then you are full of shit.  He then he goes on to tell me that he’s a label whore.  He loves Armani, Gucci, Tom Ford and Burberry then points out that his shirt is from Burberry and the cologne he’s wearing is Tom Ford.   

If dude is thinking that I’m supposed to be impressed by this he’s got to be kidding me.   Wear something by Ferragamo, Dolce & Gabanna, Zegna, Massimo Dutti or Hermes and maybe then I may change my mind.

Rico Suave suddenly gets up and crosses the table and practically sits up on my lap, wraps his arms around me and demands that I smell his neck.  I reluctantly do as I’m told and push him away and tell him to go back to sitting across from me.  I now REALLY want to get shitfaced but then I remember I act kinda slutty when I’m drunk.  DEFINITELY want to avoid that with Rico Suave.

“You smell really good…so you wearing a thong?”

I laugh but inside I’m cringing and thinking what the fuck have I gotten myself into.  At that point I stuff as much polenta fries into my mouth so I look like a chipmunk to avoid answering his oh so classy question.  I’m thinking it’s gotta be late now. I’ve given him at least 3 hours of my time for sure.  Rico Suave asks if I want anything else before asking for the bill.  I shake my head, mouth still full. 

I check my phone.  It’s ONLY 8:37pm!  He met me just before 7:30pm!!!

The bill arrives and he takes it initially.  I was told that the lady should make the gesture to ‘offer’ to pay, but a real gentleman ALWAYS takes care of the bill.  I offer and to pay and guess what?  THE MOTHERFUCKER TAKES ME UP ON MY OFFER!!!!  I fucking pay the $97.89 for the sub-par meal and drinks. 

I am never getting the sixty or so minutes of my life back. I learned nothing new about him and douche didn’t fucking even care to really know anything about me.  And he made me pay the bill?!! Thank God he suggests that we call it a night. 

“Perfect!”  I say a little too quickly and with great enthusiasm.

Rico Suave offers to take me home.  I don’t want to bother Carrie since she did me a solid earlier today so I reluctantly accept his offer to take me home.

OMG!  I should have known better….

Textual Relations

Rico Suave:

“FINALLY… hello hello”

Me:

“Hi.”

Rico Suave:

“What are you up to?”

Me:

“Not much of a texter so forgive me if I don’t get back to you right away.  I also have a very busy baking week ahead of me.”

I know.  I’m all business in my reply.  Like I said before, totally awkward in situations like this and it’s ONLY texting.

Rico Suave:

“What are you making?”

Me:

“Cakes and cupcakes.  I’ll be covered in icing and sugar by the time this week is over.”

Texts can be interpreted in many ways and again my complete lack of experience in the art of texting had me walk right into the innuendo that came next.

Rico Suave:

“Hmmm…covered in icing and sugar…I’d like to see that.  I bet you would taste delicious.”

To say I more then blushed was an understatement.  I was totally embarrassed yet slightly intrigued at the same time.  I decided to be flirty back.  Why the hell not.  It’s not like I’m going to see him in person anytime soon.  Be bold I said to myself.

Me:

“Hahaha!  That’s for me to know and if you play your cards right…”

We texted daily over the next five days.  They were fun and flirty and I was enjoying myself and then he suggested that we meet.  I told him that there was no way in hell that we would meet until we had a ‘phone date.’  I said it was important for me to hear the sound of his voice.  The phone also allows you have a conversation in real time, no delay, no hiding behind a text that can be interpreted in so many ways.   It was also a delay tactic since I am scared shitless to actually go on a date with a boy.

I decided that I would let him call me.  Midnight.  Friday. 

12:01am he calls.  I’m having small heart palpitations just before I answer my cell phone.

 

“Hello.  How are you?”

I try to sound mysterious but I’m giggling like a school girl.  Giggling is my coping mechanism when I’m nervous. 

Rico Suave sounds like The Fonz but not as smooth. 

“I’m good.  So what do you want to know?  I like your voice.”

That was his opener to me.  I could see conversation would be a challenging task.  I ask him to tell me more about himself.  What he does for a living.  Siblings.  How his day was.  He answers them kind of matter-a-factly and then again with, “What else do you want to know about me?”  Then waits for more questions from me.  SERIOUSLY!?

I ask him about the restaurant he went to for dinner prior to calling me and that seemed to totally break the ice with him.  Maybe Rico Suave was just at nervous as I was talking to him?  Once we got into the topic of anything food our conversation flowed easily and he asked the typical ‘getting to know you’ questions of me.

About an hour into our phone date the topic of sex came up.  My friends KNOW this is a topic I have no problem discussing.  Aside from food it’s the next best thing I love to talk, dream, read, write and watch!!!  It got raunchy pretty fast but that was all him.  He’s technically still a stranger and I of course am still a lady and only answered with a yes, no or maybe.  I NEVER elaborated.  Must leave some stuff for the imagination!!!  His sex shit talk wasn’t anything new to me.  Please.

It was approaching 2am.  I was amused by our phone date and was VERY cautiously optimistic.  I gave him a pass on his foodie knowledge but just barely.  I told Rico Suave I needed to go, and bid him a breathy goodnight.

One minute later the fucker texts me to say that he can’t sleep and has the audacity to challenge me to a “sexting” contest.  The balls on this dude!  I however accepted the challenge against my better judgement and explained it was a ONE-TIME thing.  Rico Suave had no idea that I write erotic poetry for friends and smutletts for fun.  BRING IT ON!  There is no way he could EVER be better than me at this.  

I won.

He asked me out on a date 24 hours later.