Please Insert Here

Mr. Tuesday was stark-ass naked now.  I had his generous (Thank GOD) and very turgid member firmly gripped in my right hand.  One of his hands then slipped inside the back of my fancy panties.  GAHHHH!!!  This was seriously happening…JESUS CHRIST! 

I let him go and felt him bounce against my still underwear covered ass.  I was straddling his waist now, the flimsy piece of cloth separating my more intimate connection to him, drenched.  My top was now askew and I my placed my outstretched arms on either side of his head. 

Mr. Tuesday and I looked at each other lustfully, my long hair tenting our faces.  I felt him tug my panties completely off me, an easy feat when you only have one leg.  Surprisingly enough, especially to me, was the fact that I wasn’t self-conscious of him seeing my stump in all its amputated glory.  With him I forgot I wasn’t physically complete.  There was something about him that ALWAYS allowed me to forget.  I liked that.

I was completely exposed from the waist down now and I could feel the length of his shaft against my seam.  Jesus, Mary and Joseph was that ever winding me up!  I leaned down to latch onto his mouth.  To have his tongue explore mine with abandon.  Whatever his mouth was doing, I wanted to have his member mimic the same to me below the waist.  My lord was it ever an excruciatingly welcome torture.

My blood started to slow and white noise filled my ears as he continued to kiss me and ruthlessly rub himself against my opening.  I needed air.  I couldn’t breathe fast enough.  I was gasping into his right ear enjoying the feel of his stubbly jaw against my cheek.  When I broke free he used that as an opportunity to pull my top off me.

All of a sudden, I was thoroughly naked in front of him.   There was just enough light coming from the hallway that it dawned on me…Mr. Tuesday would see E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G.  My saggy boobs, my wrinkled soft middle that bore scars from childbirth, my poorly deforested crotch, all of my imperfections I hide with clothes, laid bare.  That ULTRA amazing feeling I was climbing to just landslided HUGE.

Hello anxiety attack number three.

Mr. Tuesday looked fantastic without clothes on and I needed to remedy my situation quickly.  I didn’t give two fucks—no pun intended—about what satisfaction I needed.  I was hell bent on ensuring that he would be taken care of without having to endure looking at the grossly imperfect side of me.  Distract.  Distract.  MOTHERFUCKING DISTRACT!!!!

I just needed to go though the motions and get the deed and him done by any means possible.  I had to complete the challenge.  I leaned forward as my chest and pebbled nipples dragged against his smooth heated torso.  I adored that skin-to-skin contact.  I kissed him deep and full once more then licked and nibbled his neck and ears.  Then I felt his right hand grip my hip and his left hand position himself to enter me.  The lush tip of his cock teasing my slick entrance then in one fail swoop he pushed up and I sunk into him. Penis entered vagina….wait a minute… OMG.  OMG.  HOLY FUCK!  PENIS HAS ENTERED VAGINA! Mr. Tuesday groaned loudly and I looked at him, my eyes wide and my mouth open to a perfect ‘O’ as he filled me from root to tip.  He started to move, to slowly pump me as I laid on top of him.  Fuck.  He felt so good but I wanted to feel him deeper and harder which meant that I had to sit up and expose myself to him where he could see all the unattractive bits of me. 

He wanted that too, to be deeper in me I could tell.  He slipped his hands in front and pushed me off him just a little so that he was now intently palming and cupping my breasts and rolling my peaked nipples in between his fingers.  Goddamn.   What he was doing felt incredible and I needed compliment his actions with my own but I was freaking out at the fact that he would really have to look at me once I sat upright.

I finally found the courage and to sit up but not before I crossed my forearms in front of me so that my boobs were all that he saw as I placed my sweaty palms against his chest.  I figure this was the best I could do to hide my jelly belly. 

I began to rock my hips and grind myself against him.  Mr. Tuesday groaned loudly as I squeezed him against my inner walls.  He suckled my breasts and pinched my nipples every now and then, which drove me absolutely insane and I just wanted to fuck him even harder however that would mean me leaning back more and he would see just too much unsightly things in the available light.

I knew I was totally over thinking everything which killed a bit the mood on my end but I assumed that what I was doing was decent because he was audibly moaning and panting.  Just take care of him…just take care him…just take care of him I kept repeating to myself. 

I think he wanted me to ride him to the brink and I just couldn’t do it…I was too self-conscious so I figure the best way to hide myself and take care of business was to be a ‘giver’.  I bent forward and kissed him again and then began my slow descent south.  Licking, kissing, sucking and blowing bits and pieces of his ears, throat, chest and stomach.  My long hair like a sheet being dragged against his skin as my mouth moved lower. 

Mr. Tuesday ‘manscapes’!  This motherfucker TOTALLY deserves a blowjob!  Only truly considerate bastards know women don’t want to inadvertently floss their teeth with pubes.

I grazed my lips on his hips, licked his inner thigh and made my mouth known to expanse of skin below his waist.  I looked up at Mr. Tuesday through my lashes as he watched me trace my tongue from base to tip before I opened wide and swallowed his aching manhood until I felt him hit the back of my throat.  I could taste myself on him.  He hissed loudly as I continued my assault, my head bobbing up an down as I ensured I kept him nice and wet inside my mouth.  He started to roll his hips and grabbed a fistful of my hair as I sucked him harder.  He fucked my mouth long enough that my jaw began to slowly ache and my lips became swollen.  I could tell he wasn’t going to let me finish him this way otherwise it wouldn’t have gone on for this long.  I pushed my hair away from my face, kissed his velvety crown and looked at him through hooded eyes.

Mr. Tuesday pulled me up towards him, kissed me quickly then slipped away and stood at the edge of the bed…Ahhh…doggie style…I was game, as this position didn’t show off too much of my unsightly body, well from the front at least.  He entered me unbearably slow I couldn’t help but gasp loudly at the sensation of it.  He pulled back then without warning slammed into me deep.  “FUCK!” I called out.  He was then feverish in his onslaught of me.  Driving himself faster, harder and deeper.  We were both panting hard and I was fisting the sheets.   He let out a laboured groan, gripped my hips roughly before he pulled out and came.  

I already knew that I was never going to finish that night.  My personal hang-ups about my body were too great to fully enjoy my time with him.  He was taken care of and that was my objective.  I also prayed to God he didn’t notice my inexperience.  I just wanted to be a decent lay.   I also FINALLY got the fucking cobwebs cleaned out after two fucking years!!  FUCKING A BITCHES!!!!!!!

Mr. Tuesday then composed himself as did I, got back into bed, asked if I was okay, to which I replied a soft “yeah”, pressed his chest against my back, his left arm around my waist and spooned me as he fell soundly asleep.   I do not cuddle post coitus.  I'm a fuck me, don't touch me and sleep on the wet spot kind of girl.  I found it oddly strange that I did not mind him next to me.

I was awake.  More awake then if I had 5 venti Starbucks blonde roast coffees back-to-back.  My mind was racing reviewing what just transpired and I started to freak out…I think I just made a HUGE FUCKING MISTAKE….

 

LET'S GO!!

Mr. Tuesday could tell something was wrong when he let me in.

HIM:

You alright?

He leaned in and gave me a soft peck on the lips.  God he smelled good.

ME:

I’m fine….I think I need a drink.

HIM:

Sure I’ll get you some water.

Fuck the water.  I needed something stronger.

ME:

No.  I need a REAL drink.

And with that statement I made my way to his living room and got comfortable on the couch and attempted to exhale the nervous tension I was feeling.

HIM:

Babe, it’s almost 2 in the morning I can’t believe you want me to be your bartender now.  I have work in the morning.

His use of the word ‘babe’ made me smile and the fact he sounded playful put me a bit more at ease.  I just continued to giggle relentlessly.

Mr. Tuesday was making his way towards me with a giant glass filled with clinking ice and something alcoholic that was red.  My eyes followed him as he sat perpendicular to me on his sectional.  He placed the drink on the coffee table and softly pressed his lips to mine then kissed my forehead before sinking his back into the couch. 

HIM:

We should be sitting on my bed not on the couch.  What is this?

He chuckled and smirked towards me.  Fuck he was so cute.  I was crazy nervous.  I knew that he could tell that I was, because I could not stop giggling.  His only physical contact with me was that kiss.  He kept his distance.  I could tell he was trying to be respectful or at least attempting to be a VERY patient wolf.  Either way, it was endearing.

I knew that he liked my hair down.  I pulled the hair tie out and shook my hair free so it fell in large soft waves past my shoulders.  His eyes lit up a little when I did that and his smile more devilish.

ME:

Thanks for the drink.

With that statement I took the large glass brought it to my mouth and basically pounded the drink back like it was shot.  Ice cubes and all.  I think he gave me a Caesar but the hell if I knew.  I didn’t taste anything.  I just wanted to drink it as fast as I could in the hopes that it’s effect would work it’s magic to loosen me up a bit.  No pun intended. 

HIM:

Baby!  What are you doing?  You gonna get sick!

I noticed the genuine shock on his face as I took down the beverage as fast as I did.  I also felt the butterflies go haywire in my belly when he called me ‘Baby’.  Cute.  I slammed the empty glass back onto the coffee table and let out a cleansing breath.

ME:

Okay!

HIM:

Okay?

I scooted over closer to Mr. Tuesday, leaned in and kissed him proper with just a hint of tongue.  He searched my eyes to make sure I was really okay with everything. I had stopped giggling all together after I kissed him.  Smirked and straightened my back.

ME:

Okay.  Let’s go!

HIM:

We can sit for a bit if you want.

ME:

NOPE.  Let’s go.  Take me to your bedroom…Right now!

And I stood up.

Oh man the grin he had on his face was priceless as was the chuckle he let out.  I think he was slightly taken aback by my unabashed demeanor.  You have no idea how adorable he looked in his PJs.  Heartstrings pulling.  I had to remind myself to shut that shit down.  NO ATTACHMENT.

He stood up, firmly held my left hand in his—swoon—and gingerly helped me hop down the hallway towards his bedroom.  There were a couple candles already burning in the dimly lit space. 

His bedroom, like the rest of his place was very masculine.  Browns and blacks were the colour scheme again.  His bed took up the majority of the space in his room.  He left the hall light on and there was music playing in the background.  Fuck.  This guy knows how to fully prepare.  I guess when you’re as worldly as him you kind of remember a few things when entertaining ladies.  We stop at the foot of his bed and I let go of his hand.

ME:

Okay.  Which side of the bed is yours?

He points to the left and I make my way to the right side.  He pulls the covers down and waits for me.  I begin unbuttoning my jeans and slip my cardigan off.

ME:

Just so you know I am leaving my panties and top on when I get in bed with you.

HIM:

Aww…seriously?

ME:

YOU…you are in FULL pajama regalia, there is no fucking way I am getting in naked if you’re not.  I’m not wearing a bra so that should make things a little easier.

I slipped into his bed and laid there…like a cadaver waiting for an autopsy.  Hands at my side, covers pulled up to my chest.  He kept his PJ bottoms on but I watched as he pulled his T-shirt off.  My breath hitched just a little.  He was toned.  His shoulders broad his arms defined and his chest smooth.  Fuck.  I’m going to look like shit next to him and that’s when anxiety attack number two came.

I could feel the beverage I just drank fighting it’s way to come up and minute beads of sweat began to form on my forehead and I instantly felt my hands go clammy. 

SHIT.  SHIT.  SHIT.  Not now.  NOT NOOOWW!

I HAD to pull it together or this night was going to crash and burn.  The bed had already dipped signalling that he was getting in.  FUCK!  I raised my right arm and placed my forearm on my forehead for a brief second to attempt to wipe the sweat off before placing that arm behind my head and praying my hair would help absorb the clamminess from that hand.  I gripped the sheets with the other under the covers to alleviate the problem with the left. 

I felt a brief cool whoosh of air against my bare leg and a half when he lifted the covers to get in and he scooped me close to him.  I could feel my heart in my throat.  Which was now parched by the way.  I felt dizzy but at the same time tingly in all the right places.  I had no choice but to rest my head against his smooth soft chest and just let his arms envelope me as I did the same.  My right arm rested just above the waistline of his pj’s.  Christ.

Mr. Tuesday kissed the top of my head, exhaled and whispered a soft “goodnight” against my ear, relaxed and closed his eyes.  He was super observant and was aware that I was nervous.  He knew that I haven’t slept with anyone in two years BUT he had no clue that he was now about to be the second man in my existence to share a bed with.  I was panicking because I was so desperate not to show my inexperience.  I wanted to make sure he was going to be taken care of.  I wasn’t sure how he would take the fact that he would be my number two on my proverbial bedpost.  I’d never reveal that but he may figure that out on his own once things got…er… more heated.

At this point it didn’t look promising.  Don’t get me wrong - feeling his entire body pressed against mine was glorious.  We were in our own little cocoon and I have never felt so safe in my entire life.  Bold of me to say considering that Mr. Tuesday was a practical stranger I met nine days ago and saw for a few hours that one night getting all hot and heavy.

He was ALWAYS a gentleman with me.  Conscious of boundaries.  He was going to let me initiate.  Fucker.  I squeaked out a breathy ‘goodnight’ against his pectoral and gave him a kiss on the base of his throat.  He squeezed me tighter after that.  Sigh.  I felt him against my leg.  He wasn’t fully hard but I was very much aware that he could be in mere seconds.

Okay it was sink or swim time for me.  Don’t think.  Don’t think.  JUST DO!  LIVE BITCH!   JUST FUCKING LIVE IN THE MOMENT!

I’m fairly confident that Mr. Tuesday could literally feel my heart pounding against him like a portable massager.  I closed my eyes for just a moment to gather my shit together and focus. 

I schooched myself up just enough so that when I started to peck at the hollow of his neck, his stubbly jaw and just behind his ear I would end up finishing at his mouth.  I pressed my lips to his and he welcomed me.  Our tongues wrestling against each other in a desperate need to taste.  I instantly felt myself getting wet and now REALLY felt him against me through his pajama bottoms.  The kiss grew deeper and more frantic.  I bit his lower lip and slipped my hand that was resting just above his waistline inside his pajama bottoms.  I lightly grazed him with my fingers and he groaned ever so slightly. 

Mr. Tuesday’s mouth was ravaging my neck with abandon.  I was pretty much on top of him now, my right hand still in his pants palming and cupping him.  He kissed his way down to the valley in between my chest and pulled down one side of my top to gain access to one of my heaving breasts.  The relief and pleasure I felt when his warm mouth made contact with my straining hardened nipple was exquisite torture.  I moaned audibly as he laved me there.  Holy fuck.  I was on the verge of getting off right there just from him doing that!  I was firmly stroking him now inside his pants.

Mr. Tuesday paused for just a moment to help me gain better access to him.  I winced at the lack of contact from his mouth.  He pulled off his pajama bottoms and I now saw exactly what I was holding in my hands…

Just Jump

Mr. Tuesday calling late wasn’t anything surprising.  Most of our conversations happen after 10pm anyways.  It was really nice knowing there was someone who actually wanted to talk and get to know me.  We were becoming friends, which I liked very much.  Like I said, he was way too charming and funny NOT to want to keep.

We made standard polite chitchat then in his typically charming fashion he cracked one of his terribly cheesy jokes and I cringed and laughed at the same time.  We started talking about our first date and how we were both very remorseful about it ending a little too prematurely.  I told him that he was a great kisser and that I could have done SO MUCH more.  He agreed.  We both sighed at the same time then silence…

In my mind I was recalling that night and imagining all the things that would have happened had I stayed longer.  I pressed my thighs together and felt myself getting tight down there.  I pipe up and say with hopeful questioning…

ME:

I’m okay with the whole friends with benefits thing if that’s what you want. 

HIM:

Yeah, yeah…we could do that.  That’s fine…friends…that mouth of yours….mmm…

Mr. Tuesday’s voice got a little low and husky now.

We sexually teased each other back and forth again about what we liked.  Hot and bothered doesn’t even begin to describe how I was feeling now.  My lower lip was raw from biting and my panties completely soaked.

HIM:

You should come to my place.

He jokingly said.

ME:

Uhhh…I think you should come to mine.  I’ve already been to your place.

HIM:

My place is better.

ME:

WHY?  What is it about a dude’s place that makes it better?

HIM:

It’s just better.  Guys just like being in their space.  Ha…you gonna come over?

I was giggling now.

ME:

NO!  It’s really late but fucker, you made me totally horny, you bastard.

HIM:

Awww…come on….come over…

It was now almost one in the morning.  I knew that it was very late.  I knew that he was completely teasing me about coming over.  I knew that I wanted to see him again to feel his lips against mine - amongst other things on my body. The cogs in my head suddenly spun in a completely different direction and clicked into a place very uncharacteristic of me.  I have no clue what made me so bold to say I what I said next…

ME:

Okay.  I’ll come over.

HIM:

Wait…WHAT?

ME:

I said yeah.  I’ll come over.  I need your address.

HIM:

Are you being serious?

ME:

Yes.  Don’t you want me to come over?

HIM:

Fuck.  Of course!

ME:

Okay.  I’m going to get ready.  See you soon.

I hung up before I could change my mind.  Then I realized that he never gave me his address, so I text him.  He immediately calls me back instead.

ME:

Hey…I need your address fucker.

HIM:

I’m not sure this is a good idea.

ME:

Why?  Is it because it’s so late?

HIM:

No.  I just don’t want to make it weird between us.  The friendship is important to me.

My shoulders slump in disappointment.

ME:

Okay…if that’s what you want.  I don’t want to make it weird between us either but I’m totally okay with friends with benefits…you know that….but that’s fine…it’s all good.

Damn.  Sigh.

HIM:

It’s not that I don’t want you…it’s just…(long pause)…it’s just that I don’t believe it would be respectful because I think the world of you.

Always a gentleman that fucker.

ME:

I’m 100% okay with the friends with benefits thing, but if it will make our friendship weird then don’t worry about it.  It’s all good…I understand.

HIM:

Umm…I think…hmmm…you know what…FUCK IT.  Just come over.  Even if nothing happens we can just cuddle in bed.

HOLY SHIT. 

ME:

Okay…but it’s alright if you don’t want me to come over. It’s totally fine.  I don’t want it to be weird between us.

HIM:

No…no…just come over.  It’s fine.

ME:

Okay text me your address and I should be at your place in about half an hour.

HIM:

Okay.  See ya soon.

HOLY FUCK!  I’m really gonna do this.  I’m going to his place in the middle of the night.  This is fucking CRAZY!  MENTAL!

Okay.  Breathe.  Deep breaths.  You just jumped off a cliff and are waiting to fly or crash.  Which one is it going to be girl?

WAIT!  FUUUUUCCCKKKK!

When one hasn’t engaged in any intimate physical activity in over 2 years there really isn’t a point in doing any kind of maintenance down the vagina way.  Now, with the possibility of that looming in less than an hour, one is in a desperate scramble to correct that severe oversight.

I quickly make my way to my ensuite and pray to God that I have razors.  Please, please…PLEASE!!!  I check the cupboard under the sink and collapse with tears of joy in my eyes when I see that there are still three brand new razors left.

I have never in my life spread my legs open and mowed the lawn so fast down there.  It was almost like watching a time-lapse video in ultra high speed.  I went through all THREE razors! It was THAT bad.  I pretty much shaved an Ewok off my crotch once I looked at the floor of my tub.

I put on a pair of cute panties, fitted dark jeans and a floral print deep V-neck cap sleeve top with NO bra-so classy I know-and a yellow cardigan.   Spritzed some perfume onto my cleavage, piled my hair into a bun and waited for the cab to arrive.

What I was doing to so incredibly uncharacteristic of me I was trying to reason with myself on the ride over.  I completely ignored all warning signs that what I was doing was a mistake.  That I wasn’t ready for anything close to this nature.  That bad shit is gonna come from it.  He’s practically a complete stranger.  I kicked those thoughts under the proverbial rug.  Just fucking live!   Enjoy the moment of spontaneity.  Just fuck it and hopefully him as well.  HA!

I text Mr. Tuesday to let him know I was on my way.

ME:

I am en route…if you feel weird about me coming over tell me now…I’m a big girl…

HIM:

It’s fine…

Phew. 

HIM:

Close?

ME:

I’m approaching your street…

HIM:

Okay…I’ll warn the neighbourhood

ME:

Hahahahaha!!!

HIM:

Snipers…Where are you?!

ME:

Fuck you!!!

HIM:

Ha!

Count on Mr. Tuesday for being consistently charming.  His comical texts put me somewhat at ease.  It wasn’t until I stepped out of the cab and walked into his building I began to have a SERIOUS anxiety attack.  

As I rode the elevator up to his floor I began to feel extremely light headed and began to dry heave.  Fuck me.  Not now!!!  I hobbled out and leaned my forehead against the cool metal doorframe of the elevator.  I closed my eyes and fought back the need to vomit.  I took four big breaths...in and out...then took four more, wiped the sweat off my brows and upper lip, gulped down the bile, straightened my back and tried to look as composed as I could.  I turned the corner and made my way down the hallway.

Mr. Tuesday opened the door to his place when I was about halfway down the hall.  I felt my chest tighten just a little bit when I saw him.  He looked adorable all barefoot in his grey plaid pajama bottoms and fitted grey T-shirt, eyes bright with an impish smirk on his face. 

HOLY FUCK.   This is really happening.

I giggled out a “Hey…” As he stepped aside and let me in...

Business Meeting

Holy shit.  Holy shit.  HOLY FUCKING SHIT!

I’m trying my best to look calm and collected but seeing as I have never been put in such a situation, I’m in a slight panic.  I’ve never had a boy take me back to ‘their’ place.  How does one act?  What does one do?  Well… aside from the obvious but I’m not even sure if I’m even ready for the obvious.  Fuck. 

“Can I get you a drink?” he calls from around the corner in his kitchen.

“Water please.”

Part of me wants more alcohol to help me relax but then I act slutty, which may not necessarily be a bad thing but I decide right now it’s important to keep my wits about me.  I appreciate that he didn’t harp on me about not having a stronger beverage.  Nice guy.

I comment that his place is very ‘manly’.  Spacious with lots of dark browns, the walls are dotted with images of cityscapes.  New York City in particular.  For sure no woman has had a hand in decorating this place.  

He mentioned on the walk over that he had a jukebox.  Interesting.  I hobble over to take a closer look at it.  I hear clinking ice against glass behind me and turn around.  He hands me my water.  Icy cold against my sweaty hand, I immediately bring the glass to my mouth and nurse it.  The water smarts my lower lip, raw from chewing.

“Do you want to listen to something?” He asks before he sips his drink and steps close enough to me that his fingers tickle my left hand.  Holy shivers!  I smile, giggle and nod all the while; my glass is pressed to my lips taking tiny sips of the icy water.  I pull the cup away from my mouth and watch him as he turns the jukebox on and finds a song. 

I’m not familiar with the tune but am amused that he sings a few lines out loud to me.  He’s so close that I wonder if he can hear how fast my heart is racing.  I’m crunching on a piece of ice and I’m looking at his mouth.  He moves even closer that my chest ever so lightly presses against his.  I look up at him through my lashes and I giggle nervously.  I can tell he knows what I want. 

Kiss.  Me.  Please.

His kiss was slow but chaste.  Mr. Tuesday picked up that I was nervous.  Shit.  I should have never told him my stupid quirk.  He pulls back, his eyes search mine for approval.  I take a quick sip of my water and without hesitation I place my parted mouth back on his.  I made it clear the type of kiss I wanted, full and deep.  My tongue was cold from the sip of water I just had and it was an exquisite torture to have the heat from his dissipate the chill in mine.

FUCK YEAH! With being assertive, and FUCK ME! That was a good kiss!  I’m leaning more towards wanting the ‘obvious’ to happen now.

He takes my drink and I follow him towards the couch.  I’m feeling all weird, tingly and now I know some ‘business’ is going to happen on that couch.  Will there be a merger, a small acquisition or a quick meeting?  I don’t know…I don’t know.  I start to panic again.  I then realize that since I’ve been with him he has kept his hands to himself.  Only touching me when I touched him.  He was the complete opposite of Rico Suave but actually handsome.  He’s a nice guy.  Perfect gentleman so far. 

He places our drinks on the coffee table and sits down.  I follow and think I need a little liquid courage.

“May I have a sip of your drink?”

“Help yourself.”

I take a swig and realize it’s one of the drinks I despise from my days out clubbing ‘till you puke.  I try my best to hide my disdain and I hear my phone buzzing like a time tomb in my purse.

“Sorry. I have to check my phone.  Everyone knows I’m out tonight and they just want to check in on me.” I say as I chase down the drink with the rest of my water.

“No…no…of course.  Check your phone.  Tell them where you are by all means.  It’s good that you’re checking in.”

This guy is a scoring points left, right and centre with me right now.  So fucking nice.

I check my phone and I have text messages waiting to be read.

JENN:

Are u ok….we went back and u weren’t there…OMFG…R U OK…GIVE ME A SIGN…SERIOUSLY…Are you making out????

CARRIE:

Sooooooo???....Oooooohhhhhh…ok be safe…did you kiss him???

HOLLY:

Don’t do anything you don’t want to or that I wouldn’t do…LOL.  Enjoy!!!!!  XO

LEILANI:

Yo!  You still out?  How’s it going??  Spill the beans!!!!!

PIPER:

Woo!  Hoo!  How’s it going?...Only do what you want to do and nothing more!!!  ;P

SASH:

Sooooo….I’m dying to know how it’s going.  Don’t stay up too late!

Honestly.  I really am lucky to have these great bitches as friends.  

I send them all texts to let them know I’m back at his place.  What a mistake.  This only caused an immediate second wave of texts and emoticons which I ignored.  I figure I’ll get back to them later once my ‘business meeting’ on the couch was over.  I also thought there was only so much I could do to stall and collect myself from my nerves.  I shut my phone off and bury myself in the couch pillows.

“Everything okay?  Can I get you anything else?”  He squeezes my left hand in his.

“More water please.” I squeak out.

I knew EXACTLY what was going happen when he sat back down here.  Holy fuck. I did my best to take in a few deep breaths without him noticing and smiled politely when he came back with my water.  I took the glass and downed the whole thing in one shot. 

He asks me to come closer so I could lean against his chest.  Oh no.  He’s for sure gonna feel how fast my heart is beating.  I oblige and he wraps his arm around me and I rest my head on his chest.  His smell is intoxicating and I close my eyes when he speaks in his perfect baritone.  We talk about music as we’re listening to it and he belts out a few more lines from another song I don’t know.  I lift my head to look at him in amusement. 

Our eyes connect and like magnets our mouths meet.  We kissed so deep I felt it in the pit of my stomach.  I bit his lower lip when I felt his hands in my hair.  He tugged just a little and I think I moaned into his mouth as his tongue danced against mine. O-M-G!!  My body was humming. Everything felt so good.  He kissed his way down to the hollow of my neck to my collarbone.  I felt my nipples straining against my bra.  I was aching for him to touch and kiss me there.  He nibbled his way back to my mouth and pecked my lips once, twice, three times before he pulled away.

“You okay?  Am I going too fast?” He whispered low in my ear, his nose nuzzling my neck before looking at me.

I crinkled my nose at him, bit my lower lip and nodded that I was fine.  My mind was going berserk with all the things I wanted to do to him.  What I wanted him to do to me!  Then I remembered this was only a first date and I’m pretty sure the ONLY date I’ll have with this guy.  Dudes like him don’t go out with the same girl twice.

We talked about dating and he said that he liked me too much to sleep with me tonight.  BOLD.  I told him that I’m a lot harder to get then he thinks.  He joked that he would have me by the second date between dinner and dessert.  I laughed out loud.  YEAH RIGHT BUDDY! 

“Seriously.  We don’t work out…I want to be friends with you.  You’re interesting.”

“Sure.” 

Friends with benefits I’m sure, I thought to myself.  Not that I had a problem with it.  I did want to sow my wild oats after all.   I wasn’t sure how sincere he was in that statement, but at least he put it out there and it was nice gesture.

We stare at each other for just a beat.

Fuck it.  I told myself.

I decide to be bold and kiss him first.  Hard and with purpose and move this ‘business meeting’ on the couch to an ‘acquisition’ and I let my hand wander towards his belt…

Mr. Tuesday

Mr. Tuesday’s morning text prompted me to pretty much tell every single girlfriend I know that this bitch was preparing for battle so soon after I lost the first war.

Since Leilani and Piper pretty much orchestrated this twist of fate, I let them know first that I was meeting him today.  I then contacted my friend Jenn who is basically my neighbourhood fellow ethnic, like me.  I let her know that I scored a date and she more then happily offered to chauffeur me to my meeting place.   I then continued down the line of girlfriends to fill them in on the latest developments with me. 

I was grateful that Sash was coming over for a quick visit.  Nothing like getting hands on advice and a pep talk from one of my online dating gurus.  I was starting to get just a little bit nervous but her presence helped to calm my nerves. 

Carrie the style maven was away at the cottage so I had to text her for advice as to what I should wear for my coffee date.  I remember Sash telling me she always wears the same outfit for the first date so I was going to do the same but Carrie said it was way too fancy for coffee.  I opted for an A-line skirt with a large floral print in tan that was just above the knee, a white fitted deep scoop neck t-shirt and a bright pink three-quarter length sleeve cardigan with matching coloured peep toe flats.  I sent Carrie a pic of my outfit and she gave me virtual thumbs up.  I left my hair down and tousled it to give it a little volume.  I did a dramatic smokey eye and just sheer gloss on my lips.

Jenn and her husband Big Al came to pick me up about an hour before my date as they had children to drop off to assorted events.  They are SERIOUS multi-taskers so they had being efficient down to a science.  I hadn’t seen both of them in a while so while we were driving to drop one child off to soccer I had to rehash my crappy date to them and fill them in on my plans for this evening as we headed to my final destination.  The two of them were grinning like idiots for me.

As we were pulling up to the Starbucks I saw him walking down the street.  I immediately told Big Al to swing around the back of the building.  I suddenly felt extremely self-conscious.  I despised the thought of my date seeing me hobble around in my crutches.  I wanted to get inside as soon as possible so that didn’t happen.  I hopped out quick as I could, Big Al wished me luck and Jenn and her daughter were just a shadow behind me.  They wanted to see what Mr. Tuesday looked liked first hand.

As fast as I my one leg could take me, I went inside the Starbucks, found a table for two and sat and waited for him.  I figure I had less then five minutes before he came strolling in.  Jenn and her daughter totally scoped him out as they walked past him and through the windowpane they gave me open-mouthed grins and the big thumbs up.  I wanted to belly laugh out loud.

Mr. Tuesday saw me right away and smiled.  I smiled in return as he walked towards me.  I was suddenly nervous.  Not as nervous as the first time but nervous enough that I could feel my heart beating a little faster then usual.  He was wearing an indigo coloured linen jacket, black dress shirt, dark wash jeans and a pair of Chuck T’s.  I extended my hand to shake his. 

“Hi.  Really nice to meet you.  You look really nice.” I say to him as he firmly takes my hand in his to shake in return.

“Why thank you.  Wow.  You’re really pretty.  You look great by they way.” he replies. 

Okay, I’m right in the heart of blush city.  He then asks what I would like to drink before leaving me momentarily to grab our drinks.

I glance his way every now and then while he waits in line.  I’m too nervous to make direct eye contact.  He’s cute.  Tall.  Facial scruff.  I like.  He looks like his photos.  Good.  He’s paying for our beverages.  Even better.  He comes back with our drinks and sits down.  OMG!  He smells amazing!  So amazing that I in fact blurt out, “You smell REALLY good.”  He chuckles.

“So…” he sips his coffee and stares at me. 

Oh no, please don’t tell me I’ll have to carry the conversation yet again. ‘So’ is such a pussy word.  Shit.  Shit.  Shit.  This is not how I wanted it to go. 

“Good day so far?” he asks. 

“Yup.  Had a pedicure this morning and met up with a friend and did the ice bucket challenge.  Pissed that I got nominated but I did it and my friend donated on my behalf as well.  Have you done it?”  I was madly chewing my bottom lip and giggled.  Mr. Tuesday was more subdued so it was hard to gage how the evening would progress but it was also very early in the date. 

“I did get nominated but I didn’t want to get wet.  I donated instead.”  He paused and took another sip of his coffee and looked at me.  “God.   You have gorgeous hair.”  I giggled again as I sipped my drink. 

“You laugh a lot.”  He pointed out. 

“Nervous habit.” I look down as I reply back and take a huge gulp of my cool lime refresher.

“You’re nervous?  Don’t be.” And Mr. Tuesday then squeezes my hand and lightly pats it.  Tingly.  This dude just made me tingle when he touched me.  

He launched into one of his cheesy jokes and it totally broke the ice.  The conversation started flowing more freely as if we were on the phone again.  We talked about bad date experiences and touched on our kids.  He then asked if I had eaten.  I said no. “Do you wanna have some wine and snacks?  There’s a place just across the street we could go to.”  I nod in agreement and I swear I think my bottom lip is bleeding from the constant chewing I’ve done to it.

Dread.  Sheer dread then washes over me because now, my worst fear is coming to fruition.  Mr. Tuesday is gonna see me hobble on my crutches.  Fuck.  I plaster the fakest smile I have on my face but inside I’m dying.  I don’t want to leave the confines of my chair but I really want to continue my evening with this guy.

I reluctantly follow him out.  He walks ahead of me, until we get to the door and he opens it so I could go first.  Gentlemanly gesture for sure but now my ‘handicapness’ is in full view for him and everyone one else to observe.  I fucking hate myself in that very moment.

“You must have pretty good upper body strength.” He says to me.  

I smile and giggle.  

“Hey, still nervous?  Don't be okay?” He noted my nervous cue. 

“You’re curvy and gorgeous.  I think you're amazing.” 

I don’t believe him.  

He pities me.  

I’m sure of it.

“HA!” I snort.  We cross the street and head towards the restaurant.

“What?  I’m being serious!” He says. “Own it.  You’re gorgeous.”  I smile, thank him and mention that he smells really damn good…again.

The restaurant was a quaint local joint with five star food.  We share a bottle of wine and assorted tapas.  The wine definitely loosened me up because I was more chirpy, flirty and relaxed.  My hand would also settle on his knee every now and then as did his on mine.  We talked more about dating and he mentioned that he was actually going on a date Friday afternoon.  “Good for you.” I said sincerely. 

Hey.  I knew EXACTLY what I was getting myself into so it wasn’t a big deal.  He mentioned that he felt comfortable enough to tell me and wanted to let me know that if “we” didn’t work out that he still wanted to be friends.  He told me he liked me because I seemed different, ‘cool’.  I grinned happily.   Mr. Tuesday placed his hand on my bare knee and rubbed circles with his index finger.  Yeah.  I was ready to eat butterflies now.

The night was still young when we were done at the wine bar.   Like a true gentleman he paid for dinner.  That gesture alone made him almost perfect.  I was a tad tipsy from the wine and maybe just a little more touchy feely then I normally am.  He suggested that we walk back to his place.  Warning sirens were going off in my head.  I gulped down a big glass of water to try and clear my addled alcohol induced brain.  “Do you promise to behave yourself?”  I smiled at him impishly.  Mr. Tuesday then leaned in, gently squeezed my thigh and whispered in my ear, “Have I not been a perfect gentleman all night?”

HOLY FUCK!  This bastard was bloody S-M-O-O-T-H.  I think we all know what my answer was going to be.

“Okay.  Let’s go back to your place BUT just so you know ALL my friends know exactly where I am and what I’m doing tonight.”  I hop off the bar stool and thanks to the libations I consumed I could give two fucks about him seeing me hobble.

“That’s perfectly fine.  Thank you again for coming out to meet me.”  Mr. Tuesday then chastely kisses me on the cheek and I follow him out. 

He told me lives close enough that he walked over but wanted to get a cab so I didn’t have to walk.  I explained to him that I’d be fine.  It was beautiful night out and I was up for it.  He admitted that he really enjoyed my company and reiterated regardless if I had two legs, six legs, he didn’t care.  He said I was pretty damn cute.  I reciprocated the compliment back but said he was handsome instead.

It was a fifteen-minute walk to his building.  We talked about our siblings and what we were like in high school and our banter seemed familiar.  I didn’t feel at all uncomfortable or threatened around him.  I followed him into the lobby and we waited in silence for the elevator.  I was feeling just a little flush and by default I started gnawing my slightly raw and now very pink bottom lip.

The elevator door opened.  His chivalrous self let me in first and I scooted all the way to the far corner.  He entered.  Pressed the button to his floor and the elevator door began to close.  Mr. Tuesday turned to face me and took two big strides in my direction. His eyes were hooded and fixed on my mouth. 

OMG!  OMG!  O-M-FUCKING-G!!!!  

He gently leaned his body towards me, tilted his head and touched his lips to mine.  I felt the tip of his tongue swipe the seam of my mouth open.  I granted him access and sighed into him as he deepened the kiss.  My belly instantly tightened and my heart was beating like a hummingbird’s wings.

The elevator came to a stop on his floor.  He pulled away and stared at me.  I swear I could have been the Joker in the latest Batman reboot because the smirk on my face was GIGANTIC! 

I believe I just had a Fifty Shades of Grey, ‘FUCK THE PAPERWORK’ elevator moment and HOLY SHIT!  Mr. Tuesday was a CRAZY GOOD kisser!  He chuckled and quickly pecked my lips before placing his hand on the small of my back and guided me down the hallway towards his apartment. 

Mr. Tuesday kissed my forehead, smirked devilishly at me as he unlocked his door. He stepped inside and I willingly followed his lead…

Match Game

I’ve learned to be pretty damn good at dusting myself off and getting my shit together, even if I have to fake it just to get by so no one asks questions.  I reflected on the previous night’s comedy of errors.  I was proud of myself for holding my own and that after 17 years I had my first date under my belt.  I also had to laugh at the sheer audacity of Rico Suave.  The material one could be pull from that hour of suffering, could make for some serious comedy fodder on television.

After getting up that morning, I crawled outside, grabbed my crutches and looked myself over in the powder room. I scared myself a little bit as I was the poor man’s Alice Cooper.  Make-up streaked down my face, grout lines imprinted on my left cheek and my hair a mess of tangles.  I needed to get ready fast as I remembered that I was taking my daughter into Toronto to go back-to-school shopping.

I quickly called Holly to discuss last evening’s activities and she was just happy that I was safe. She said  that I needed to most definitely to kick Rico Suave to the curb if I haven’t done so already.  She also encouraged me to get back out there.  I got the ‘shitty date’ out of the way.  It can only get better moving forward, she advised.

Shopping was a great distraction.  I was pretty much back to my old self by the end of the day and made plans to see some girlfriends Monday night for dinner.

Leilani and her younger sister Piper arrive at my place for dinner Monday and after a quick tour of my new abode I rehash my date night to them over homemade chicken tacos.  They simultainiously laugh and cringe at the details.  They then ask to take a look at the dating sites I’m on and how they work.

I bust out my computer and show them Similar and eCompatability; the two sites I signed up for.  I then explain how winks and smiles worked and it then becomes a  ‘Find a Date for Curiousanyone’ game.  They each took turns picking out a dude for me to check out and if I approved then ‘we’ would send out a ‘wink’ or ‘smile’.  Little did I know that they viewed guys that not only appealed to them like ‘salsasmooh78’ or ‘steeeeeve74’ they also viewed dudes that were a certainly in the ‘not a chance in hell’ category. 

We went back between both sites and we were acting like idiot high school girls looking at the profiles and pics of assorted men.  They were horrified at how questionable some of the photos and profile write-ups were.  Then we noticed someone liked a few of my photos and that he even liked one of my CRIPPLED pics. 

So immediately we go to check out his profile.  His profile was pretty basic. Laid out in just list form of ‘I love…’  Nothing stood out but we perused his photos and THEY thought he looked decent so we collectively decided that WE should ‘wink’ at him.  Wink sent, we went to check out the other fancy dating site I was on.  I answered an email over there and my friends wanted to check back to the other site since there was a far greater plethora of men to peruse through.  Upon my return I discovered that there was an email, from the dude we sent a wink at 10 minutes earlier!! 

Needless to say my girlfriends squealed and were giddy with excitement as was I - a little. (Not gonna lie).  Now I totally had to reply back with THEIR help of course. Below is a transcript of our email interaction which unfolded in a about a 40 minute time-span late Monday evening:

Him:

Thanks for the wink…very sweet of you…

How are you?

To say I was hyperventilating a little as to how to answer was an understatement.  It took us close to 10 minutes to come up with a witty enough reply that didn’t sound too needy or serious.  Leilani noticed the famous Oscar selfie Ellen made famous and we laughed that he tried to insert his face in the image.  We opened with that…

Me:

Very jealous that you went to the Oscars this past year :P  My Photoshop skills are probably worse then yours.

I see you like to travel.  What are some of your favourite destinations you have visited?  I would love to travel more.  My dream is destinations are Paris and Cambodia.

Cheerio

I honestly did not think he would have responded so quickly so the girls and I checked the other dating site to see if the gentleman I smiled at sent something back.  Lo and behold, HE DID TOO!!  We answered the survey type questionnaire that was sent and we checked back to Similar.  There was a message waiting in my inbox!  This then prompted a screaming frenzy from Leilani and Piper.  I just laughed my ass off.

Him:

Don’t be jealous…I was a “seat filler”…auditions for that were terrible…I’ll leave it at that….

Paris is a great bucket list…I love a lot of places…sometimes home…sometimes far away…I loved Prague…I love Budapest…I love my kitchen…it all depends on the time and day…

Warm Regards

Piper was all over the ‘Warm Regards’ close of his email.  At this point in the night Leilani probably urinated about 4 times in 15 minutes, saying she was so nervous for ALL of us.  OMG!  How do we respond back?  He seemed so well travelled.  Piper, who like me was single, suggested to still keep the response light and to mention that I bake but I should end the email with something cuter then ‘Cheerio’.  I decided that I would end with a happy face emoticon.  Daring, I know.

Me:

Wow!  Those are some pretty awesome places you’ve visited, was that for business or pleasure?  I travel for leisure mostly through North America.  I do like a good road trip.

Are you a good cook?  Do you follow a recipe or do you wing it?  Like you, my kitchen is also one of my favourite destinations.  I love to cook and am a self-taught baker.  Dude I can make a totally legit croissant from scratch!  LOL!

:)

Back to eCompatibility.  Buddy over there wanted to skip straight over to direct contact via email!  Wow!  Leilani, Piper and myself were all flushed with excitement.  I accepted his invite to email then we quickly went back to see if the other gentleman responded.  Yup.  There was a message in my inbox.

Him:

Ha…laughing about the croissant part…

I have travelled everywhere…mostly for pleasure…as of late as I get older and wiser…I travel for work…

You are cute my friend…and I adore cute…

His close of ‘You are cute my friend…and I adore cute…’ caused not only heart palpitations but also screaming worthy of going to see a boy band in concert.  I was laughing and shaking at the same time.  Piper and Leilani were already swooning.  Now we knew the next response to him was critical.  We needed to make it flirty without sounding desperate.

Me:

Aww…you’re making me blush.  You are pretty handsome…and I adore handsome :)

Do you want to move this over to IM? I am a night owl…

We hit send and at this point we had long forgotten about the buddy over at the other site.  At this point in the evening the girls were peppering their sentences with the word ‘adore’ like it was going out of style.  The entire evening felt like I was at a high school sleepover.  Hilarious.  Then we immediately noticed there was a reply.

Him:

Would you just prefer my number?

HOLY FUCK!  The girls were jostling me around like a rag doll now and fanning themselves acting like pure idiots.

Me:

Sure.  I’d love to chat with you…

I am grinning like a Cheshire cat right now.

Him:

Okie dokie…

He emails me his digits and I IMMEDIATELY usher my friends out the door so that I can chirp with my new friend without distraction.  We all agree that it was one of the BEST NIGHTS ever hanging out.  I hugged and kissed them and said I ‘ADORED’ them to no end and I would give them the 411 ASAP.  Just “Get the fuck out of my house already bitches!”  I said jokingly.

I wave them good-bye as they drive away.  Lock my front door and literally skip towards my phone.  It’s 10:34pm when I call his number…