I got super nervous again all of a sudden but not for the
reason that one would think. I was
nervous about Rico Suave watching me hobble out of the restaurant. There is ZERO attraction to this dude
but the fact that he has to see me and my disability in action bothered the
hell out of me. It made me feel I
was not enough, even for someone like him.
He didn’t even open the fucking doors for me himself. He used the handicapped buttons on the
doors and ONLY because I approached the doors first, well before he did. One of them didn’t even work so I had
to open the door MYSELF!
As I followed him to his car, he made a comment about the
fact I wouldn’t be able to stop him from touching me if he wanted to because I
was busy using my crutches. He then proceeded to grab my ass. I knew right then I was totally fucked
once I got into his car. I wasn’t
scared more then I was annoyed. I
knew he was planning on fully unleashing his Rico Suave moves on me. I knew I could beat the shit out of him
with my crutches!
I roll dough by hand for a living, so my pipes were bigger
then his. Fear of something really
bad happening to me wasn’t an issue.
This bitch can take care of herself.
Shockingly he opened the car door for me and I immediately
grabbed my phone as a precautionary measure. He grabs my left hand in his as we drive off. I try to wiggle my hand free and I look
at him and say, “How do you think the night is going to end?” He finally lets go and says, “I don’t
know but I had a really good time with you tonight. How do you think it’s gonna end?” I let him know that it was very nice to meet him (LIE) and
that he gets a handshake from me, that’s how the night is going to end.
Rico Suave looks at me with shock and disappointment. I also tell him that there is no way in
hell he is coming inside my house.
One would think that was a telltale sign that the date was a dud. Nope. Dude had the balls to actually park the car on my
driveway. My seatbelt was already
off and I had already opened the car door dying to make my escape.
I thank him again for a ‘nice’ evening and offer a
handshake. He takes my hand and
pulls me in for a hug and then BAM!
Rico Suave shoves his tongue into my mouth!!
He wasn’t a horrible kisser but I was practically barrel-rolling
out of the car to get away from him.
One would think it would be best not to put the ‘moves’ on. I made the mistake of placing my hand
on his shoulder to push him away and bite his lower lip to get him to extract
his tongue from my mouth.
My complete inexperience in the art of saying ‘good-bye’
showed, because when I pulled away and attempted to say, “I have to g….” Yes. That’s right Rico Suave only pulled me
back into him and intensified his kiss.
I didn’t even have the chance to say the word ‘go’ for fuck’s
sake!! I shoved him off me and got
the hell out of the car, slammed the door and got the inside my house as
quickly as I could.
I then immediately called my friend Carrie and told her I
was coming over. She asked if I
was okay. I said ‘yes’ and hopped
on my scooter and booted it to her house.
As I was making my way to Carrie’s I get a text from Rico Suave.
Him:
Did you panic when I kissed you?
Me:
No. Why?
Him:
You just left really quickly. I think you’re hot BTW. We have chemistry.
I’m still close by. Do you
want me to come back?
Seriously. The
motherfucking balls on this guy!!!
Me:
No. Go home.
I wanted to add “You fucking pervy cheap bastard!” to the
end of the text but Rico Suave wasn’t worth anymore of my time.
I got to Carrie’s place and she immediately got me a
Mango-rita and asked me again if I was okay. I reassured her that I was then gave her the play by play of
the evening. She was horrified
that I paid for dinner. She then
asked me if I regretted going.
“As bleak as the date itself was, I know that I am capable of
engaging in conversation and I wasn’t a complete idiot. I also got kissed for the third time in
my entire life. It may have been
unwelcome and the LEAST romantic, but someone kissed me.”
“Nice!” Carrie says happily. “Now you won’t be so nervous the next time.”
Lucky for me Sharknado 2 was making it’s premiere that night
and I stayed over to see what all the hype was about. I laughed my ass off with her family before I headed home
for the evening.
When I walked through my door after getting home from Carrie’s
place, I cried. I crumpled onto
the floor and sobbed in the foyer of my new place. Alone. I hated
online dating. I hated that you
are judged on the way you look. My
whole life my look wasn’t good enough.
I was the fat funny girl.
Fun to hang out with but not to kiss goodnight. No boy liked me in high
school. I never posed for my high
school grad photos or went to prom for fuck’s sake because I didn’t feel pretty
enough compared to everyone else.
College was the same. I was
actually surprised I managed to get married, but that
ship has sailed. To start from scratch
at forty and be disabled amplifies every last insecurity I have about
myself. In the world of online
dating looks aren’t everything.
It’s the ONLY thing and I certainly don’t have that.
I fell asleep that night in the hallway
like a dog, my pretty white dress and make-up ruined and I had thrown my
crutches out on the porch with disgust.
